JOKES

[Sylvander]

Take my wife.

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburettor.
I asked where the car was.
She told me "In the lake."

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!"

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was "Always".

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

The last fight was my fault.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust"!

[pave_spectre]

"My wife on a carribean cruise"
"Jamaica"
"No she went of her own free will"

[Sylvander]

My wife keeps saying to me,

"FREE WILL!" "FREE WILL!"

But I'm not going to let him out of the basement until he agrees to behave himself!

[FrankSG]

A guy and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The guy said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two guys waiting out in my car waiting for us to go play gulf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the darn tooth and be done with it--I don't have time to wait for the aesthetic to work! The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness--this sure is a very brave man asking me to pull his tooth with out using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts.":D :D :D

[gracious]

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So
what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much." :D :D :D

************************************************** *******************



A few months ago, when I was picking up the children at school, another mother I knew well rushed up to me.

Emily was fuming with indignation. "Do you know what you and I are?" she demanded. Before I could answer - and I didn't really have one handy - she blurted out the reason for her question.

It seemed she had just returned from renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office. Asked by the woman recorder to state her "occupation," Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the recorder, "Do you have a job, or are you just a ......?"

"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother."

"We don't list 'mother' as an occupation...'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high-sounding title, like "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."

"And what is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply popped out, "I'm...a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in mid-air, and looked up as though she had not heard right.

I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pompous pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what do you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field (normally I would have said indoors and out). I am working for my Masters (the whole darned family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it). "I am also involved in videography (camcorder at the birthday parties and soccer matches), and certain aspects of chemistry (Two ways to look at this: Fixing a decent meal, and making sure that my kids and their siblings, friends, and dates all get along, without getting along TOO well.) But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are in satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove into our driveway buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab Assistants---ages 13, 7, and 3. And upstairs, I could hear our new experimental model (six months) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt triumphant. I had scored a beat on bureaucracy. And I had gone down on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another......" Home...what a glorious career. Especially when there's a title on the door. I only wish I had my camcorder there to tape all that.



:D :D :D

[pave_spectre]

Heck that must make me, Head of Torpidity Studies, Fiscal Incompatabilities and Object Non-Placement.:D

[FrankSG]

Gracious--I would give you an A+ for the way that you answered that women! It seems that these days, a mother's job is looked at as not being important. Personally, I think that raising children is one of the most important jobs in the world. I've seen too many cases where the father leaves it all to the mother to raise the children. And that's not good--that's very bad. So, for you mothers who do most of the work raising your children, I take my hat off to you!

[Sylvander]

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

Why do men have slits in their underwear?
So they can get oxygen to their brains.

What did god say after he made Adam?
"I can do better than that." then he made Eve.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

Why do men work harder than women?
Women get it done right the first time.

How many men does it take to make popcorn?
Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho and shake the stove.

[gracious]

And now....various views and opinions on why the chicken crossed the road:

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
JACK NICHOLSON: 'cause it f___in' wanted to. That's the f___in' reason.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes, and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road!
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chickenupon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

[pave_spectre]

Windows 2000 Chicken
Will cross the road in June.
No, August.
September for sure.

OS/2 Chicken
It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

Win 95 Chicken
You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like... chicken.

Microsoft Chicken (TM)
It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.

OOP Chicken
It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

Assembler Chicken
First it builds the road ...

C Chicken
It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken
The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.

VB Chicken
USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)

COM Chicken
IChicken::CrossRoad

Delphi Chicken
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.

Java Chicken
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side.
(Of course, those are chicklets)

Web Chicken
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Gopher Chicken
Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Newton Chicken
Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket!

ASP Chicken
The Chicken remains by the road side and creates temporary copies of its self when it needs to cross

WIN32 Chicken
class __declspec(dllexport) CrossRoad : public CHICKEN

Cray Chicken
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.

Quantum Logic Chicken
The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your course.

Lotus Chicken
Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do !

Mac Chicken
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.

Al Gore Chicken
Waiting for completion of NCI (Nation Chicken- crossing Infrastructure) and will cross as soon as it's finished, assuming he's re-elected and the Republicans don't gut the program.

COBOL Chicken
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE GO TO 0001- CHICKEN-CROSSING

.net Chicken
The Chicken runs around the highway system and can cross any road it likes

[bassman]

CRAY CHICKEN, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA:D :D :D :cool:

cause I'm sick that way I guess

[gracious]

More theories of why the chicken crossed the road:



Woody Allen:
I mean, it was, it was ... a legal chicken ... It wasn't like it was a blood relative or anything. (And don't believe anything that Mia says about me.)

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Roseanne:
Urrrrrp. What chicken?

Jack Benny:
I'm thinking. ... I'm thinking

James Cagney:
It crossed twice. The dirty double-crosser.

Albert Camus:
It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

John Cleese:
This Chicken is no more. It has ceased to function. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. It's a stiff. If it wasn't nailed to the road it'd be pushing up daisies. It's snuffed it. It's metabolic processes are now history. It's bleeding demised. It's rung down the curtain, shuffled off the mortal coil and joined the bleeding Choir Invisible. This is an Ex-Chicken. Ergo, it did not cross the road.

James Dean:
To prove he wasn't chicken.

Emily Dickenson:
Because it could not stop for death.

Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective):
I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.

Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Sherlock Holmes:
Do not concern yourself with the chicken that did cross the road; the answer lies with the chicken that did not cross the road.

Terry Jones:
This isn't a chicken license! It's a dog license with the word "Dog" crossed out and "Chicken" written in in crayon.

Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads. This brought such occurrences into being.

Immanuel Kant:
The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

Chico Marx:
It couldn't. It was a rubber chicken.

Groucho Marx:
Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.

Harpo Marx:
Honk! Honk! Honk!

Jackie Mason:
Whaddaya want, it should just stand there?

Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

George Orwell:
Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.

Pyrrho the Skeptic:
What road?

Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes the chicken crossed the road,
but why he crossed, I've not been told!

[pave_spectre]

This seems to have turned into a chicken joke thread but anyway heres some more.


Ayn Rand
A chicken's first duty is to itself. And only by living for itself is it able to achieve the things which are the glory of chickenkind. Such is the nature of achievement.

Tom Leykis
I cannot bee-LEEVE that women are SO shocked to hear that the reason the chicken crossed the road is because the rooster was trying to get into her pants!

Bill Gates
We own the road. We own the chicken. It's none of your damn business.

Dr Johnson:
Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have, you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the Need to resist such a public Display of your own lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.

Thomas de Torquemada
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Marcel Marceau

Louis Farrakkan
It wasn't one chicken, you lying white devils! It was TEN MILLION chickens!

[Abbadon]

I can't help but wonder what the cicken would have to say about all of this.

[pave_spectre]

Who cares what the chicken thinks? So long as we have wild and amusing theories about the chicken it should just mind its own business.:D
After all since the chicken is in the public eye that means we can say anything we want about it.:p

[Abbadon]

Can we? Can we realy? I believe that chickens are creatures with rights. A right to privacy, and a right to dignity. I don't see anyone making Pave_Spectre jokes here. I mean, supppose I did this:

Why did the Pave_Spectre cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken to ask it why it crossed the road!
(Which probably means the chicken crossed the road to get some peace and quiet for once)

Is this funny to you? I think not. Chickens are good and gentle creatures and should be treated with respect. I personally know many chickens who are actually AFRAID to cross the road these days. Frozen in terror they stand at the side of the road, filled with doubts:
"Why do I want to cross this road? What will people think of me if I do? Is it wrong to cross a road? Am I a pervert just for wanting to cross the road without knowing why?"

I hereby invite all chickens in the world to rise up against this kind of oppression. Chickens unite!





Anyway, that's just my 2 cents on this, you can go and make fun of them again now. :D

[pave_spectre]

OK back to poking fun at chickens...X-Files Chickens


Fox Mulder:
No government agency has jurisdiction over the chicken. The chicken is out there, Scully, and we will find it.

Dana Scully:
There is a logical, scientific explanation for the chicken crossing the road. We need more evidence.

Walter Skinner:
<teeth clenched> You've got 24 hours to find out why that @!!*@!@ chicken crossed the road!!!

CSM:
<blows puff of smoke>There was no chicken.

Alex Krycek:
Because he can't decide WHAT side he's really on.

Byers:
It was trying to escape the most heinous and evil force of the twentieth century.

Langly:
It was on its way to the grassy knoll, dude.

Frohike:
<snapping a photo> I don't know, but she's hot.

Bill Mulder:
It heard the words, and they made sense to it.... merchandise...fryer parts....

Mrs. Mulder:
I have told you that I don't remember any chicken.

Mrs. Scully:
I had a dream about the chicken being taken away....

Melissa Scully:
The chicken needed to get in touch with its inner self, to find the light and the good. It was in a very dark place...

Bill Scully, Sr.:
One day the chicken and I will be together again...

Bill Scully, Jr.:
Dana, you spend too much time worrying about chickens... for HIM? You should be home with your family!

Agent Pendrell:
To get Dana a birthday present.

The Well-Manicured Man:
It will cross the road in one of two ways....

Deep Throat:
Mr. Mulder, they crossed the road a very long time ago. Trust no fowl.

X:
The chicken is choosing a dangerous time to cross alone. The road is still out there, but it's never been more dangerous.

[Jiggy]

Have a look at this lot of fun (http://www.savageresearch.com/humor/index.html).

[bassman]

God I love that site.:cool:
OK, how many of you looked at THIS (http://www.savageresearch.com/humor/insanityTest.html) for several minutes just for the laugh?:D

Some of us (especially Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes,
and it has become obvious that what we need are "Southern" symbols.

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside.
Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his
life and
see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make
something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In
dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius.
Chitlins are
best
with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface
of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of
everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you
had some
inner
hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't
worry about it.

MOON PIE (Mar 21 - April 20)
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a
cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round
are the
key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely
interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the
year to
think
about aerobics. Or - maybe not.

POSSUM (APR 21 - May 21)
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency
to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes
you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This
strategy is
probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day,
however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running
you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always
hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the
mountains,
the
pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be
not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good
heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting
pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round
them. Collards make good social workers, sychologists, and baseball
managers.
As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon
Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although ones
whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy
people to
understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life.
Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle
together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so
maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go?
Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can

go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your
fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved
ones - may find that your
personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you
deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should
go right
ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a
charmed
life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull
over and
stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (October 24 - Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with
everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the
vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can
sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with
Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually
quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots,
fruit,
worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with
today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about
today.
You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns.
You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another
somewhat kinky, mating possibility

[gracious]

http://jokesmagazine.com/MImages/smallbfchikin.jpg

[kenz]

Dan Quayle
- It is "Why did the chiken crosse the rode"

Tony Blair
- The chicken is capable of crossing the road within 45 minutes.

Iraqi Information Minister Muhammad Sa'id al-Sahhaf

- The chicken is nowhere near the road

Hans Blix

- We could find no evidence of chickens or roads

GW Bush

- Why did the road cross the chicken - no wait

Arnold Schwarzenegger

- Zer are not enough roads in California for chickens to cross, but I vill fix zat.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

- I vish to apologise to all zee chickens that I may have eaten

Bill Clinton

- I did not take the chicken across the road - honestly

Chicken

- Who is Gray Davis ?

[pave_spectre]

Geek:
Well I opened the chichen up but I couldnt locate the socket for the new proccesor upgrade.:confused:
And where do I put the new RAM stick?

Help Desk
You did what to the chicken????:eek:

[Sylvander]

1. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

2 A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
pants. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. Police said a strong
currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I
know you can't, I've cut your arms off."

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak
and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped
himself.

10. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."

11."Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome". "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a
look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
Because
he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

13.Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball Stuck
up my backside." "How's that? "Don't you start."

14.Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, "Can
you give me a lift?" I said "You look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it.'

16.Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat so and so!"

17.Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
other one off.

18."You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.'
So that was nice."

19. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

20.Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1,826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[pave_spectre]

Whats the definition of alternative thinking?

A Fish

[Eolyn]

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
>
>Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
>
>There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
>
>Life is sexually transmitted.
>
>An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
>
>If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead?"
>
>Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
>
>The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
>
>Get the last word in: Apologize.
>
>Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
>
>Some people are like Slinkies . . .. not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
>
>Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
>
>Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
>
>Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
>
>All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
>
>Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
>
>In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
>
>Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
>
>How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?
>
>AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
>
>You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

[Sylvander]

FOUR ALL WHO REED AND RIGHT

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;

but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One foul is a goose, but two are called geese,

yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;

yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.


If the plural of man is always called men,

why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,

and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,

yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.


Some other reasons to be grateful if you grew up

speaking English:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.


Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example...

If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a tree!

Let's face it - Engilish is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make ammends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

If Dad is Pop, how come Mom isn't Mop?


AUTHOR UNKNOWN or is it KNOTKNOWN?

[jeeza]

Here's another very good one, coming from an unexpected place : http://ejrs.com/spybot/


A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House" in French, is feminine -"la maison," "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their
recommendation.

The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.

[PrntRhd]

In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.

One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a scottish accent came from within the dense fog.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 10 englishmen".

With this, the english general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 50 englishman".

With this the english general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 100 englishman".

Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 1,000 englishman".

By this time, the english general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERES TWO OF THE B*STARDS".

[bassman]

Hehehee:D Thats funny.

Where exactly is "Next to Napa"?

[Sylvander]

Now PrntRhd,

speaking as a Scotsman:

that is a good one:)

a VERY good one.;) :D :cool:

[PrntRhd]

:D

[jeeza]

This is not a joke but it's not serious either.
I even think it will make you laugh.*
Sassy's Worldwide Dogbite Service, Inc.
www.sassydog.com
The best service in the world of its kind ! :p :)

*I am terribly sorry for making this assumption about you - I just hope it does.

[Fruss Tray Ted]

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yep" replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "For God sake, you *******....it's ten past three in the morning!"

[magictom8]

:D

Two guys enjoying a round of golf on a summers afternoon, when a man walks up to them and asks if he can join in.

'I was meant to be playing a round with my mate but he couldn't make it cos he's got to pick up his kids'

'yeh sure, no problems'

So as they were strolling across the green they started chatting. He seemed like a nice guy, and they got on to the conversation of what they do for a living.

'us two are both programmers - thats how we met I guess. What do you do for a living?'

'erm. don't know how to put this to be honest.... ..I'm a hitman'

'hahaha'

'no i'm serious'

'yeah good one!! haha'

'no look - don't get worried cos i'm not a nasty guy, but look at this'

Then out of the mans bag of clubs, he pulled a long leather case. from this he pulled out a huge sniper rifle. The two programmers were a bit nervous, but impressed by what was obviously an expensive piece of kit.

'jeez - he's not lying. could I have a look at that gun?'

'yeah sure - it's got a good sight too - have a look through it if you want'

'so, just out of interest, how much do you charge?'

'haha - i was wondering whether you'd ask that - its 1000 bucks per shot. but i'm sure you don't need to worry about that!! go on have a look through the sight'

So the man, after struggling with the gun's weight, had a look through the sight.

'wow - thats amazing - i can see for ages!'

'yeah its got a good range on that one'

'i can see my house!! haha!'

The other programmer wanted to have a look:
'here lemme see'

'no wait a second - i can see my wife! errr - and shes naked - i'm not letting you have a look at this! oh. i dont think shes alone. **** - thats my neighbour - and he's naked too. The bastard!!! The bitch!! I can't believe they'd do this to me!!

Right - how much did you say for each shot - 1000 bucks?'

'Errrr.. yeh' said the hitman 'but i'm not sure you really you want me to do this'

'I'm sure about it - I don't want you to kill either of them though - just enough to punish them. My neighbours a nice guy usually, but i can't believe he'd sleep with my wife and think he'd get away with it. I want you to shoot his dick off. And my wife - she's always been really noisy - always chattin rubbish - shoot her in the mouth.'

'Are you sure about this?' said the hitman 'it'll cost you 2000 bucks'

'Yeh go on just do it. I'm sure'

So the hitman lined up his sight. The programmers could see the look of calm concentration on his face.

'so let me just make sure - i'm not gonna kill either of them, just shoot her in the mouth and blow his dick off'

'yeah. go on. hurry up - whats taking you so long?!! just get on with it!!'

'Hold on a second' said the hitman

'why!!??'

'I think I might be able to save you 1000 bucks.....'

[pave_spectre]

Now thats FUNNY!!! LMAO

[bassman]

A man walks into his home only to find his wife in bed with another man. Thinking quickly he grabs his revolver out of a cabinet and walks into the bedroom. Pointing the gun at the other man, he walks him down the stairs to his basement and tells him to place his penis into the vise on the bench and clamp it down as tight as he can. After this, the man welds the vise shut and then begins to sharpen a very large butcher knife.
The other man begins to holler very nervously, “Please mister, don’t cut my penis off!”
Handing the man the knife, he says “Oh, I’m not going to cut it off, I’m going to burn the house down.”
:eek:

[pentachris]

Three men went to a motel. The motel manager said a room cost $30, so each man put up $10 and went to their room. A little while later the manager realized the room was only $25, so he sent the bellhop back to the three guys' room with $5. On the way to the room the bellhop couldn't figure out how to split the $5 between the 3 men, so he gave each one of them $1 and he kept the other $2.

This meant that the 3 men paid $9 each for the room for a total of $27. Add the $2 that the bellhop kept = $29.

But they spent $30 on the room originally. Where's the missing dollar?

[malcore]

The $2 has nothing to do with it. The three men each paid $9 for a total of $27. That is what the manager has, you add the $2 to the $25 he also kept and then add the $3 on top = $30.

Adding the $2 to the $27 is a nice bit of misdirection. ;) In other words, you add the $3 to the $27 not the$2.

Where did that one come from?

[Sylvander]

The men paid 30 dollars and were given a 3 dollar refund, so it cost them 27 dollars for the room.

The fact that the bellhop took 2 dollars from the hotel that was intended for them is something they know nothing about.

Had he given them the extra 2 dollars they would have had a 5 dollar refund and ended up paying 25 dollars for the room.
The bellhop has robbed them of 2 dollars.

Aye! See you Jimmy, ye cannae fool a Scotsman when it comes tae money ye ken.

[pentachris]

A man smoking a pipe and a lady with a pet monkey are on a bus. The monkey is out of control and pestering the man, and the smoke from the pipe is choking the woman. An argument ensues, the woman grabs the pipe and throws it out of the window, and the man promptly defenestrates the monkey.

Each one sues the other, and they argue their cases in court. The judge ponders the matter, bangs the gavel, and is about to announce his decision. At that moment, the doors of the court swing open, and the monkey comes running down the aisle! And guess what he's got in his hand???

No, it's not the pipe.

You're going to hate me for this one.

It's the missing dollar.

Aren't set up jokes cruel? :D

[killercow]

LOL.
So what happened to the pipe?:eek: :D

[magictom8]

the bellhop has it

[jeeza]

Magritte made a painting of it.

[Sylvander]

A Brief History Of Medicine
I have an earache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2003 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

A Child's Prayer
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping in his pants. He stayed up all night then went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

A Few Good Lawyers
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Bill Gates and General Motors

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

Bumper Sticker Sayings
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
10. You! Off my planet!
11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
17. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
24. Adults are just kids who owe money.
25. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
29. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
30. You look like ****. Is that the style now?
31. Earth is full. Go home.
32. Is it time for your medication or mine?
33. Does this condom make me look fat?
34. I plead contemporary insanity.
35. And which dwarf are you?
36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. Meandering to a different drummer.
39. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
40. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Dictaphone
A secretary goes into her boss' office and asks, "May I use your dictaphone?"
He replies, "No. Use your finger like everyone else."

Fishing For a Sale
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

Helisoft
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

A Wish
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord
said, because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I
want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of
the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it
is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more
time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify
me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I
wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what
they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry,
what they mean when the say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy"

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that
bridge?"!!!!

[Steve]

A Brief History Of Medicine

Heh heh...I like that...:D

[jeeza]

Originally posted by Sylvander
A Brief History Of Medicine
I have an earache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2003 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
:D :cool:
It's taken only 4000 years.

[pave_spectre]

Originally posted by jeeza

:D :cool:
It's taken only 4000 years.

Of course! A system has to be properly tested under scientifically controlled conditions before it can be accepted by mainstream medicine.:p :rolleyes: :D

[jeeza]

This is a joke, but one which gets you thinking. Well, maybe laughing too. It's from http://vps.arachnoid.com/freeware/index.html which in itself is important reading for any would-be modern-day netizen.

After John Glennn's historic orbital flight, interviewers asked him what he thought as he waited for lift-off. He replied, "I was thinking that the rocket had twenty thousand components, and each was made by the lowest bidder".

[Budfred]

jeeza,

"This is a joke" Please explain what you are referring to. The link seemed to be a serious statement about freeware... What joke are you referring to???

[jeeza]

The link is a serious statement about freeware, and I have reproduced the joke lower in my post.

[jeeza]

This is from a computer security newsgroup.


Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex
positions.

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy.

"What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you
mount her from behind, then you reach around and cup each of her breasts
in your hands, and whisper in her ear,

"Boy, these feel just a little smaller than your sister's!"

Then you try to hold on for eight seconds...

[PrntRhd]

LOL Jezza!

:D

[PrntRhd]

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO, walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first cleansing of a slacker, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker was doing here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Delivering pizza."

[jeeza]

A very good one too, PrntRhd ! :p

[Whyzman]

I'd like to add a word of caution...

My 17 year old son frequents and reads the After Hours Forum...

The visual from the "Cowboy" joke is not one I'd like him to be dealing with...

[PrntRhd]

Whyzman,

At least Jeeza's joke was not posted in Christmas Traditions thread.

When my son was 17 he was trying to tell me his generation was the first to discover sex and that we old people did not know how to do it right. You should have seen his face when I asked him the relavent question: "Then how did you get here?"
;)

[pave_spectre]

"Then how did you get here?"

It was the little blue fairies wasnt it? With help from the pixies at the end of the garden? :eek: :rolleyes:

[PrntRhd]

Actually I sympathize with anyone trying to parent through their kids' teen years, it's just that Dr Phil on the TV is worse than any of these jokes here.
Maybe deserving of another thread.

[pentachris]

Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psychopath.

Q. How do you get holy water?
A. Boil the hell out of it.

Q. What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
A. "Dam!"

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids.

Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A. A stick.

Q. What do you call Santa's helpers?
A. Subordinate Clauses.

Q. What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
A. Quatro sinko.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A. Because they have big fingers

Q. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A. Sanka.

Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The location of the dirt bag.

Q. What do you call skydiving lawyers?
A. Skeet.

Q. How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
A. Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

The Mexican milkmaid was forced to choose between her lover and her career. That's right, Juan or the udder.

-----
credit for these go to
Sally Bulgier, Claremont, CA

I found them here (http://www.prairiehome.org/features/hodgepodge/20000401_jokeshow/), under the "bad, very bad" category.

[Abbadon]

:D :D :D

[classicsoftware]

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the
traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was
so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of
three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the
sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these
people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."



"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.



"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"



So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that
said:



SLOW SCHOOL CROSSING



Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do
something about these drivers. The 'school crossing'
sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out
the county workers and they put up a new sign:



SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY



That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every
day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff,
"Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told
him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to
let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop
calling everyday to complain.



The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later,
curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give
Farmer John a call.

"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"



"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got
to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.



The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go
out there and take a look at that sign... it might be
something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove
out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment
he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:



NUDIST COLONY

GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little
>to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried
>to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the
>farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
>The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer
>said?"
>One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy ****! A
>talking chicken!'"
>The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[FrankSG]

Originally posted by Whyzman
I'd like to add a word of caution...

My 17 year old son frequents and reads the After Hours Forum...

The visual from the "Cowboy" joke is not one I'd like him to be dealing with...
I agree with Whyzman. No, I don't have a 17 year old son. My kids are all a lot older than that. But, I don't think this forum is the place for that kind of a joke. Don't get me wrong--I'm not a prude. I've told jokes much worse than that one, but there's a place for everything and this isn't the place. Well--that's my opinion anyway.

[Whyzman]

Thanks Frank, I resemble that remark! ;)

I'm not pointing a finger at, or mean to invite jeeza into any distress regarding my comment...

It was just a heads up as the thread continues... :)

[PrntRhd]

Ok,
Your caution is noted.:)

[FrankSG]

You're welcome, Wyzman. I, also, hope that I did not offend jeeza.

[Sylvander]

I speak only for myself when I say Jeezas' joke made me laugh and I took no offence whatever. I told it to my wife and she laughed also.

If my 18 year old daughter happened to read the joke and found it offensive I'm sure she would be perfectly capable of voicing her own objections.

[Whyzman]

Sylvander, I was simply asking that folks exercise a bit of deference with the knowledge that there are age differences amongst us...even in the After Hours Forum...

I'm not attempting to become the Joke police...just asking folks to police themselves when it comes to the potential for age differences here...

We're not in a position to sequester jokes for mature audiences only...

[Sylvander]

I started this thread so that people might tell stories that others found humerous, so that there would be some fun around.
I suppose we all have a limit where we would draw a line and say "Woa, that's enough for me I'm off".
But I thought it was the job of the moderators to moderate the content.
Anyone who doesn't like the way a thread is going simply goes where the discussion suits his style. Otherwise you have anarchy where everyone and anyone appoints themself a thought policeman.

But each individual should speak for themselves, not for others.
I don't think we have a situation where there are those online who are simply incapable of making their own decisions and taking action to protect themselves.

I seem to remember that when I was a schoolchild the jokes typically told by children were far more graphic than that joke.
Children typically thought that parents were stick-in-the-muds who didn't tell dirty jokes or do do things sexual.
As you know [I hope] that is simply not true or the human race would be doomed to extinction.

[FrankSG]

But I thought it was the job of the moderators to moderate the content. You're right--it is. But I was not trying to moderate. I was just stating my opinion.
But each individual should speak for themselves, not for others. That's exactly what I was doing. In no way was I telling anyone what kind of a joke they should post here--I don't have a right to do that as I am not the moderator. I was just stating how I feel about that sort of a joke on this forum. Now--if those type of jokes are still posted here, that's fine--I won't loose any sleep over it. I've expressed my feeling and that's all. By the way, I respect everyone's right to feel entirely different. I'm not putting anyone down just because they have different views than I do.
:) ~Frank~

[Whyzman]

Originally posted by Sylvander
But I thought it was the job of the moderators to moderate the content.
Yep, your right...ultimately it is...
But each individual should speak for themselves, not for others.

I don't think we have a situation where there are those online who are simply incapable of making their own decisions and taking action to protect themselves.Possibly, but I have minor children to/for whom I am yet responsible who frequent our forums.

One of the beauties of the PC Guide Forums has been the internal consideration of the regulars to provide a "come one come all atmosphere." As I mentioned earlier, we don't have the ability to sequester "Adult Content" other than internally...

If I may, allow me to approach this from a different angle...

We are all going to have different opinions about what is acceptable joke content, jokes with sexual content especially. I'm not asking anyone to deny themselves freedom of speech. What I'd like to do is ask for everyones help in watching the sexual content of jokes they'd like to share here...for my kids' sake! ;)

Deference is not prohibition, it simply asks someone to be considerate of the beliefs of others as long as it doesn't violate theirs. I doubt if we have anyone here who believes that they "must" tell graphic sexual jokes... ;)

[Sylvander]

So tell us a joke frank, or else I'll be forced to get my wife to give me one.
[Oops, a double meaning Frank]

Or even worse, one of my children.
[Oh dear me, hints of incest]
[You just can't be too careful can you?]

Now THEY would have you reaching for your ear plugs.

Or else your chuckle muscle would get a lot of exercise and your laughter lines begin to grow exceedingly deep.

OK, I'll tell you the one my wife told me.

There are these two chunks of tarmac in the pub.
And the big one one is bragging and showing off to the little one.

"I'm the biggest strip of tarmac in the whole UK" he says.
And the little strip of tarmac feels pretty intimidated.
"And furthermore", he says, "I don't like the kinds of vehicles that drive on you"; "they are in poor taste".
"I have big lorries driving on me, and they carry very important loads, and and have very tasteful advertising, and I have big hard shoulders".
"I wish I was like you", says the little strip of tarmac.
"I'm not very important", "I only carry day trippers and such".

Then suddenly the eyes of the big strip of tarmac fill with fear and he pulls the little strip over to the corner like he is hiding.
"What's wrong!" said the little strip.
"Don't you see that strip of red tarmac that has just come into the pub?"
"You don't want to mess with him."

"He's a Cycle Path." BOOM, BOOM!

[FrankSG]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Sylvander
[B]So tell us a joke frank, or else I'll be forced to get my wife to give me one.
[Oops, a double meaning Frank]

Or even worse, one of my children.
[Oh dear me, hints of incest]
[You just can't be too careful can you?]

?????I don't get your point. It's funny how you can turn an intelligent discussion into something like this. I give up trying to make a point with you, Sylvander. You just do not seem to have the ability to look at another person's point of view. Or, maybe you just don't want to.You have the last word on this as far as I'm concerned--I give up. I've always enjoyed some of the discussions that you and I have had. I'll just stick to something less controversial from now on. One time you and I were talking about gardening--I always liked that. Maybe we'll get back on something like that again. Take care.
~Frank~

[PrntRhd]

I see the other point of view, just that this is supposed to be an intellectual exercise. We do run the risk of offending someone when we do that.
The main point of a joke is that it is FUNNY!
Jeeza'a joke is funny, so it should be acceptable here in this forum.

:D

[killercow]

How do you confuse a blonde?
Tell her to count the stairs on a escalator.
_____________________

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

______________

http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/nunin.jpg

http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/winkeyboard.jpg

[killercow]

Have a Microsoft Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except father's mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As father did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung next the modem with care In the hope that Santa would bring new software. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, With visions of computer games filling their heads.

Dark Forces for Billy, Doom II for Dan, Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by mum, To santa@toyshop.northpole.com--

Which now had been re-routed to Washington State Where Santa's workshop had been moved by Bill Gates. All the elves and the reindeer had had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After living a life that was simple and spare, Santa now finds he's a new billionaire, With a shiny red Porsche in place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington just down the way > From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans. The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk roms With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, >From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. "Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you're all of you through,

It's Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist, It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist - Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's theme, And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream. To the top of the NASDAQ! To the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And mum in her 'kerchief and me in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter, As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy. As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates. And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright, have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night!

[jeeza]

Originally posted by PrntRhd
The main point of a joke is that it is FUNNY!
Jeeza'a joke is funny, so it should be acceptable here in this forum.

I don't automatically agree with this. People's ideas about what is funny vary highly.
There are holocaust jokes which some think are highly hilarious but which - needless to say - can hurt feelings very badly.

[Sylvander]

But every joke is probably going to delight some and offend others.

Any joke which is so anodyne as to offend no one is probably incapable of achieving anything.

The surgeons scalpel must be sharp and capable of cutting or it is useless.

Those who are helped by a joke should look and listen and let it do its work.
Those who find it too painful should refrain.

Very often it's the one who finds it painful who needs the operation most.

[karatekid3d]

If you're paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse?

None! Icecream doesn't have bones!!!

[Abbadon]

Originally posted by karatekid3d
If you're paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse?

None! Icecream doesn't have bones!!!

Oh well, if we're gonna walk this way... :p


What is the difference between a crocodile?
--> the greener the swimmer!

What is pink and runs trough the desert?
--> a yogurt-stampede!

What is green and barks?
--> Kermit the dogg!


Could go on, need coffee first...

[pave_spectre]

There are more airplanes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.

[Abbadon]

But does this mean the airplanes are winning?

[pave_spectre]

Possibly it refers to the multi-purpose nature of aircraft.:p

[Whyzman]

It's their ability to camouflage...you can hide them even when in plain view...

[jeeza]

This is actually more profound than you would think, pave_spectre...

[jeeza]

And now, something to make Whyzman and FrankSG happy :

A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by the police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"
"I'm positive." replied the atom.


I am confident now all is best in the best of worlds.
:cool:

[FrankSG]

Originally posted by jeeza
And now, something to make Whyzman and FrankSG happy :



That made me so happy that I'm going to have another dish of ice cream!
Thanks, Jeeza! Hey, Sylvander--don't you think that was funny?
:)

[bassman]

You people are sick :p :D



Originally posted by pave_spectre
There are more airplanes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.
I would have to check my sources sources, but I have been told there are more airplanes in the ocean then submarines......
.....
....
...
..
.
period:eek:

[PrntRhd]

Three tortoises, Troy, Andy and Wayne, decide to go on a picnic.

Troy packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there, Troy unpacks the food and beer.

"Ok Wayne give me the bottle opener"

"I didn't bring it" says Wayne

"I thought you packed it"

Troy gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"

Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Troy and Andy beg Wayne to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Wayne sets off down the road at a steady pace.

20 days pass and he still isn't back and Troy and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat them, Wayne pops up from behind a rock and shouts, "I knew it! ... I'm not ******* going!"

[PrntRhd]

and another:

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says: "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So!"

"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"

"It evens itself out, each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun!"

[Sylvander]

Subject: Midlife crisis

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about
how mid-life is a great time for women.
Just last week Oprah had a whole show on
how great menopause will be....

Puhleeeeeeeze!

[Sylvander]

I've had a few thoughts of my own
and would like to share them with you.
Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60
(or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.

[Sylvander]

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down.
This gives us plenty of time
to care for our newly acquired mustache.

[Sylvander]

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms,
we have wingspans.
We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts;
we are flying squirrels in drag.

[Sylvander]

Mid-life is when you can
stand naked in front of a mirror
and you can see your rear without turning around.

[Sylvander]

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram
and you realize that this is the only time
someone will ask you to appear topless.

[Sylvander]

Mid-life is when you want to grab
every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream,
"Listen honey, even the Roman Empire fell
and those will too."

[Sylvander]

Mid-life brings wisdom to know
that life throws us curves and
we're sitting on our biggest ones.

[Sylvander]

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all,
beeper-wearing teenager and think:
"For this I have stretch marks?"

[Sylvander]

In mid-life your memory starts to go.
In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

[Sylvander]

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake
now includes Legs By Rand McNally --
more red and blue lines
than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

[Sylvander]

Mid-life means that you become more reflective...
You start pondering the "big" questions.
What is life? Why am I here?
How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat
before it's no longer a healthy choice?

[Sylvander]

But mid-life also brings with it
an appreciation for what is important.

[Sylvander]

We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double,
but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile.
Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now
for the body you had way back when?

[Sylvander]

Maybe our bodies simply have to expand
to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.

That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts."
Send this to four women and you will lose two pounds. Send this to
all the women you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.
If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.
(That's why I had to pass this on-I didn't want to risk it! :)

[FrankSG]

I finally figured out what "PMS" means. I believe that it means, "Pretty Miserable Spouse".:)

[jeeza]

Originally posted by Sylvander
Subject: Midlife crisis
It says, underneath : 'Sylvander has attached this image:"
Is that true, Sylvander ? Can you corroborate this ?

[jeeza]

Originally posted by FrankSG
I finally figured out what "PMS" means. I believe that it means, "Pretty Miserable Spouse".:)
Often this means also "pre-menstrual spouse".

[Whyzman]

Two men walk into a bar...That's gotta hurt! ;)

[Fruss Tray Ted]

Often this means also "pre-menstrual spouse

Pre, post, whatever! It just condones the excuse to be Permanently mad and scornful! :eek: (Cowering now in anticipation of a$$whoopin on the way..)

[Sylvander]

Oh Ted! Had you but been so wise,
As take your own good wife’s advice!
She told you well, you were a skellum,
A blethering, blustering, drunken blellum;
That from November to October,
One market day you were not sober.
That every meeting with the miller,
You sat as long as you had silver.
That every nag you put a shoe on
The smith and you got roaring fu’ on.
That at the Lords house, even on Sunday,
You drank with that Lass Jean, till Monday.
She prophesied that late or soon,
You would be found, deep drowned by moon,
Or caught by thugs among the murk,
Beside that creepy, haunted Church.

Now who this tale of truth shall read,
Each man and mother’s son take heed:
Whenever to drink you are inclined,
or little skirts run in your mind,
THINK.
You may be buying trouble and strife,
Remember Ted and his good wife;) :D

[Abbadon]

There are many good reasons for drinking,
One has just entered my head,
If a man doesn't drink when he's living,
How the hell can he drink when he's dead?


May those who love us, love us.
And for those who don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if he can not turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we may know them by their limping


May your troubles be as few and as far apart as my Grandmothers teeth


May God bring good health to your enemies enemies


I drink to your health when I'm with you,
I drink to your health when I'm alone,
I drink to your health so often,
I'm starting to worry about my own


Here's to your coffin...
May it be built of 100 year old oaks which I will plant tomorrow


Ode to Beer :
Of all my favorite things to do,
The utmost is to have a brew.
My love grows for my foamy friend,
with each thirst-quenching elbow bend.
Beer's so frosty, smooth, and cold------
It's paradise----Pure liquid gold
Yes beer means many things to me
that's all for now -------I gotta Pee


An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall of the face of the earth.


Here's to our wives and sweethearts!! May they never meet!!


Here's to fire.
Not the fast and furious kind that burns down shacks and shanties.
But the slow, seductive kind that takes down pants and panties.


A Wedding Toast:
Here's to lying, cheating, stealing, and drinking.
If you lie, may you lie together.
If you cheat, may you cheat the devil.
If you steal, may you steal each other's hearts.
And if you drink, may we all drink to your happiness.

[PrntRhd]

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

[pave_spectre]

How many Fish?

About half a dozen.

[Abbadon]

Originally posted by pave_spectre
How many Fish?


As all literate men know: The Answer is 42

[Sylvander]

Baptising a Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk, answers "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wit’s end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?":)

[pave_spectre]

Originally posted by Abbadon
As all literate men know: The Answer is 42

Obviously, but by specifying about half a dozen (slight linguistic inconsistency there but what the hell) I was attempting to throw everyone off the scent.:D

[Abbadon]

Originally posted by pave_spectre
Obviously, but by specifying about half a dozen (slight linguistic inconsistency there but what the hell) I was attempting to throw everyone off the scent.:D

:eek: A cunning plan my lord...

[Whyzman]

Actually, a pretty crappie thing to do.... :mad:

The Northern folks can feel free to drop me a line if they're feeling put out at all...

Two men went ice fishing...got about a ton...

Did you hear about the dim bulb who decided to go ice fishing?? Spent most of the day trying to make a hole big enough for his boat to fit into...

Or, about the fellow who bought new snow tires for his car...they melted before he got home...

Then, there was the fellow who convinced some poor bloke to sub let the basement to his ice house...the owner was a pretty sharp negotiator...we knew the tenant was no match...he was in way over his head...
The owner kept emphasizing that "cash talks," and kept pointing out the importance of liquidity...

[Sylvander]

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. --
A backward poet writes inverse.-
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. --
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before .--
Practice safe eating - always use condiments. --
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. --
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. --
A hangover is the wrath of grapes. --
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. --
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? --
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion- --
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. --
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. --
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. --
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) --
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. --
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. --
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. --
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. --
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. --
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. --
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. --
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. --
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it --
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. --
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. --
Every calendar's days are numbered. --
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. --
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. --
He had a photographic memory that was never developed. --
A plateau is a high form of flattery. --
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. --
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. --
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. --
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. --
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. --
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[Donn]

A guy gets a flat tire and goes to a nearby farmer's house for help. When he gets there he notices a three legged pig in the front yard. The farmer answers the door and they talk about getting the guy's car fixed. Then the guy asks about the three legged pig:

Hey, I notice you have a three legged pig, I'll give you $50 for him.

$50!? I wouldn't sell that pig for $50!! Do you realize that pig charged into a burning house and saved an entire family from an inferno?!!

Oh, really? Is that how the pig post it's leg?

No, and do you realize that pig uprighted an overturned school bus and rescued all the kids in it?!!

Really!!?? No, I didn't know that. Is that How the pig lost it's leg?

No, that is NOT how the pig lost its leg, and he's not for sale for not measely $50 either!!

Ok, but how DID the pig lose it's leg?

Well, pig like that, you know, y'can't eat him all at once....

[pave_spectre]

Originally posted by Sylvander
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Now that one I liked.:D :D

[jeeza]

Indian humor.
It's from http://economictimes.indiatimes.com/articleshow/401572.cms

Top 14 reasons to go to work naked

14) Your boss is always yelling "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
13) Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
12) Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.
11) "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
10) To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
9) You want to see if it's like the dream.
8) Splattering grease from deep fryer is really hard to get out of your uniform.
7) Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.
6) No more worries about anyone wearing the same dress as you.
5) Spurs company-subsidized health club memberships.
4) Casual Friday not casual enough.
3) Ladies, kiss that glass ceiling good-bye!
2) People won't notice your bad hair day.

And the Number 1 Reason to Go to Work Naked...
1) If you're a woman, it's how your male coworkers already think of you.

[jeeza]

Originally posted by Sylvander
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
:p :p :p LOL !

[pave_spectre]

8) Splattering grease from deep fryer is really hard to get out of your uniform

All I can say is oh my god ow!:eek:. Dont spill it in your lap.

[Sylvander]

Here's an antique joke set given me recently by an ex nurse born 1930 who served in the Naval Reserve.

RESULTS OF A SURVEY OF DIFFERENT TYPES OF MEN USING PUBLIC TOILETS:

EXCITABLE
Pants twisted, and cannot find hole in pants. Pees himself then tears his pants in a temper.:mad:

SOCIABLE
Joins his friends in a pee, whether he wants to or not, saying it costs him nothing.:)

TIMID
Cannot pee when anyone is watching. He pretends to do it then sneaks out.

NOISY
Whistles loudly and peeps over the partition to look at the next blokes tool.

INDIFFERENT
Pees in sink when urinal is fully occupied.

FRIVOLOUS
Pees up, down and across and tries to pee on passing flies.

SHOW OFF
Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie with both hands while peeing.:cool:

ABSENT MINDED
Opens waistcoat takes out his tie and then pees himself.

WORRIED
Makes furtive inspection of tool while peeing.:(

DISGRUNTLED
Stand awhile, grunts farts and walks out muttering to himself.

PERSONALITY
Tells jokes while peeing, shakes off droops with a flourish.

SNEAKY
Drops silent fart while peeing, sniffs and then glares at the bloke next to him.:D

SLOPPY
Pees down trouser leg into shoe, and walks into street with fly buttons undone, still putting his “Dick” away.

CHILDISH
Looks down at drain to watch his pee bubble.:p

VAIN
Undoes five fly buttons when one would do.

STRONG
Bangs tool like hell on side of urinal to knock drops off.

UNLUCKY
Farts and ****s himself, and then finds he really didn’t want to pee.:confused:

CONFIDENT
Out first time and lets rip without taking aim.;) :D

[Vic 970]

white guy in gents, urinating, when he hears running footsteps, he turns to look and a black guy is running towards him tearing open his flies and pulling out a huge tool, black guy throws himself into the stall next to the white guy, grabbing the side of the stall with one hand his head resting on the wall, he makes sounds of pleasured relief as he urinates. the white guy stands, watching.
the black guy after a while turns to the white guy saying, "phew, only just made it." to which the white guy replies, "can you make one like it for me in white ?"

[Sylvander]

Zen Rules for 2004

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just sod off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important until you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you break wind.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
10. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone £2 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on the backside ... then things get worse.

[pave_spectre]

Q.How many hardware guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A."Well the diagnostics say its fine buddy, so it's a software problem."


Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain sex to a virgin.
-- Robert Heinlein
(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)

[jeeza]

Originally posted by pave_spectre
Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain sex to a virgin.
-- Robert Heinlein
(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
And computers nerds tend NOT to know a lot about virgins.
Do I detect some almost-round circle here ?

[Sylvander]

QUICK THINKING

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to
buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that
they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy asks his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some a**h*le wants
to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to
find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman
kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their
feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down
there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."

"No foolin'?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[Whyzman]

Indeed, that was quick thinking! :cool: :D

[jeeza]

Sylvander, that's an excellent one !
LOL LOL LOL

[Sylvander]

The following statements were found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records and it seems were written by various health care professionals including a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989, when she got a divorce.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr Blank to dispose of him.

[Budfred]

That list looks very similar to a list of "Typo Gems" that I began to accumulate at one point. It is amazing how distorted dictation can get when translated by a typist who doesn't have a medical background... I will see if I can find those and post them here...:)

[pave_spectre]

US Air Force Humor!

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers
lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!

(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

[Sylvander]

Sorry I tried to do something but it didn't work.

[pave_spectre]

Originally posted by Sylvander
Sorry I tried to do something but it didn't work.

Thats alright, I'm sure everyone will forgive you.:p

[jeeza]

Originally posted by Sylvander
Sorry I tried to do something but it didn't work.
Is this a joke ?

[classicsoftware]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing
with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
banging on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the
door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

[classicsoftware]

While you may not agree, there's a kernal of truth here.

Subject: Husband Shopping

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go
to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6
floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends
the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may
choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back
down except to exit the building. So a woman goes
to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have
jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well,
that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So
up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love, kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further
up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are
extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's
upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the
woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she
heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 -These men have jobs, love kids,
are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong
romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me
further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789 to
this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as
proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day.

[classicsoftware]

The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against
a wall. The owner asks the clerk: "What's with that guy over there by the
wall?" The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get
something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, I gave him an
entire bottle of laxative." The owner, wide-eyed and excited
shouts: You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" The
clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to
cough!"

[classicsoftware]

Subject: Thoughts


Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, And drink whatever the hell comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of
coconut....why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are
going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see in their dreams?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Why did you try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

[classicsoftware]

Can you cry under water?

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunkydunk."

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated
instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?

Where's that extra penny going to? Taxes?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press Ctrl Alt Delete and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but people in prison can?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.




Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

[classicsoftware]

A woman walks into the drugstore and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic.

"What do you want with arsenic?" asks the pharmacist.
"I want to kill my husband because he's cheating on me with another woman," the lady replies.

"I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband, lady, even if he is cheating on you with another woman," the pharmacist says.

The woman then reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.

"Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription," the pharmacist replies.

[classicsoftware]

And finally, I'll let someone else post for a while. Don't you wish we could all think this fast on our feet:

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and
asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy asks his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some a**h*le
wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Texas, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down
there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."

"No foolin'?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[Budfred]

Do I hear an echo??? Go back up about 15 posts.....:D

[Vic 970]

DOCTOR: I want you to give up smoking, drinking & sex.

PATIENT: Will that make me live longer ?

DOCTOR: No, it will just seem longer.

[Whyzman]

Do I hear an echo??? Go back up about 15 posts.....That one was definitely worth repeating! ;) :D

[david eaton]

Well, if a tin whistle is made of tin

What is a fog horn made of?

[jeeza]

Originally posted by david eaton
Well, if a tin whistle is made of tin

What is a fog horn made of?
Jello ? Just guessing. You are not making it easy on your fellow posters, you know.

[david eaton]

Originally posted by jeeza

You are not making it easy on your fellow posters, you know.

Who said it was meant to be easy!!

On the same lines, why are do-it-yourself stores always built by someone else?

[Sylvander]

Observations on Life

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss.... The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled, and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
15. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
16. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," .....now I just "chunky dunk."
17. The early bird still has to eat worms.
18. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
19. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
20. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
22. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
23. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
24. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
25. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
26. Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever

[Vic 970]

at a local old persons home all the male patients get cocoa & viagra at bedtime.

the cocoa to give them a good nights sleep & the viagra to stop them from rolling out of bed.

[pave_spectre]

* What did the carpet say to the floor?
* Don't move -- I've got you covered.

* Why don't matches play baseball?
* One strike, and they're out.

* Does a roller coaster like its work?
* It has its ups and downs.

* Why shouldn't you bowl against a snake?
* Because snakes make lots of strikes.

* What kind of snake is it good to have on a car?
* Windshield vipers.

* What do you call a snake that makes a lot of noise when it eats?
* A slurpent.

* What kind of snake is good at building things?
* A boa constructor.

* Why did the boy fall off his bike?
* Because someone threw a fridge at him.

[classicsoftware]

An Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw--but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching in amazement, a fat old lady in wheelchair rolled her way up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small chamber. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until the last number was reached; then the numbers began to light in reverse order.
Finally the walls opened again, and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son...
"Go get your mother."

[PrntRhd]

>1) Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
>
>2) Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the
bubbles
>are always white?
>
>3) Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?
>
>4) Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes
that
>something new to eat will have materialized?
>
>5) On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'?
How
>many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to
stuff
>in that slot?
>
>6) Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum
>cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to
>give their vacuum one more chance?
>
>7) Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you
first
>try?
>
>8) How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
>
>9) Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not
>then what was the purpose of the bath?
>
>10) Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying
your
>clothes would they eventually just disappear
>?
>11) When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
>shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its all
right'?
>It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot'?
>
>12) Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the
top
>you always think there's still one more step?
>
>13) Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's
falling
>off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
>
>14) Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash
>pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
>
>15) In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in
summer
>when we complained about the heat?
>
>16) Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
>
>17) Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?
>
>18) Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person
wondering
>what the heck happened?
>
>19) If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend,

>who really is the dumber sex?
>
>20)Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they
just
>as needy throughout the rest of the year?
>
>21) Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and
>deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they
are
>deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?
>
>22) How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
>
>23) Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?
>
>24) Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?
>
>25) Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's
no
>sense in two people remembering the same things right?
>
>26) Is the real reason women live longer than men because they don't
have
>to live with women?
>
>27) If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your
>wife told you to?

[Donn]

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Minnesota where a woman
may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised
of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper
ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door
to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a
floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself," Well, that's better than
my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's
further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good
looking.

Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 -These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and
help with the housework.

Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more,
further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking,
help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?"

So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a
nice day.

[PrntRhd]

Donn,
You are late, this joke was posted 1/16:
here (http://www.pcguide.com/vb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=24980&perpage=20&pagenumber=7)

[Whyzman]

Originally posted by classicsoftware
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789 to
this floor.Originally posted by Donn
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor.

I think Donn's was just an update! ;)

[PrntRhd]

ok, I can accept that

[Whyzman]

Yeah, you gotta admit...a few more passed through the doors!

I suspect the place must have done an advertising blitz, or a buy one get one free...

No wait, I think that's illegal... :rolleyes:

[pave_spectre]

Originally posted by Whyzman
I suspect the place must have done an advertising blitz, or a buy one get one free...

No wait, I think that's illegal... :rolleyes:

Not quite. I think it depends on exactly what you do with the one you get free and if the one you buy finds out or not.:p

[jeeza]

Originally posted by Whyzman
I think Donn's was just an update! ;)
Anyway, these figures suggest that the total female population of earth, plus a sizeable number of male individuals, have visited that sixth floor.

[jeeza]

Update :

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Minnesota where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself," Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 -These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more, further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?"

So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,497,904,375 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day.

[Sylvander]

A tourist walked into the pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.

Whilst he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper,
"Can I have a CAD Monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and lead, handed it to the customer.

"That will be £5,000." said the shopkeeper.
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw on CAD - very fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage.
"That one's even more expensive! £10,000 ! What does it do?"

"Oh, that ones a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All the really useful stuff", said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper looked up and replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Architect."

[PrntRhd]

I liked that one!
:D :D :D :D

[jeeza]

AN AMAZING CONCLUSION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

Do you know the amazing conclusion ? No ?
Well, then let me tell you that I am not able to post it here as this would result in a rising clamor of voices, and that the astute and agile minds among us will have found it anyway...

[Whyzman]

Diminution is obvious...my "agile" mind, however, me fears is in need of a chiropractic adjustment...:confused:

[jeeza]

Originally posted by Whyzman
Diminution is obvious
As should be the rise in status...

[PrntRhd]

Curious, I did site search for Java and ended up here.

:rolleyes:

[Donn]

Java?? They sell coffee here, decaf? Wow, cool. BTW Sylander, that monkey joke was hillllllllllarious. Thanks, I passed it all around.

You folks know the one about the guy who moves into a new house and sees his neighbor check the mail box all day?

Seems this guys moved into a new house and all day long he sees his neighbor, beautiful curvey blonde woman, come out to the mail box, open it, look in, scratch her head, look around, and go back inside.

This goes on all day until late in the day when he hears this horrendous crashing noise from inside her house, and then she comes out with a baseball bat, looks in the mailbox, no mail there, and starts whacking the daylights out of the mail box. So he rushes outside, ostensibly concerned, and says:

Hey, lady, what are you doing to your mail box!?!?"

The blonde says:

"Every time I come out here there's no mail--I don't know which one is screwed up, but my computer keeps telling me I have mail--so I'm doing both of them just to be sure."

Best//Donn

[PrntRhd]

Two nudists got divorced because they were seeing too much of each
other.

[PrntRhd]

A young man was driving along a country road on the way to see his
girl. As he passed a field, the idea struck him to stop and pick a
bouquet of flowers.

He had barely begun romping through the field when he became aware
or a rather mean looking bull not far away, with head lowered and
an evil look in his eye. Far away, leaning comfortably on the
prudent side of the fence, stood a farmer taking in the situation.

The young man called out to him, "Hey, mister! Is that bull
safe?!"

To which the farmer shouted back, "Safe as anything! Can't say the
same about you, though!"

[pave_spectre]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He says, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

This guy from Canada took a holiday to Australia. While touring the outback on a hot day, he stopped in a pub for a drink. He was wearing a fur coat, heavy gloves and a wool cap.

Four Aussies sitting nearby couldn't help staring. One guy finally got up enough nerve to walk over to the man and asked, "Where ya from, mate?"

The Canadian turned to the Aussie and said, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."

The Aussie returned to his seat. One of his buddies asked, "Well, where's he from?"
The guy replied, "Ah, the poor bloke don't speak English."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A great writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Why can't Computer Scientists tell the difference between Halloween and Christmas?

A. Because 31 OCT. = 25 DEC.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

These two strings walk into a bar and sit down.
The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"
The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdkCjfdLk jk3s d#f67howeU r89nvyowmc63Dz x.xvcu"
"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."

[classicsoftware]

A fellow had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, a
stranger came by and asked if?the empty seat next to him?was being saved.
"No," he said, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the stranger. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in
the world, and not use it?"
The fellow replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed
to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?"
The fellow shook his head.............. "No, they're all at the funeral."

[classicsoftware]

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to
be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This
prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

[classicsoftware]

George W and Dick Cheyney were having lunch at a restaurant in Washington. Cheyney ordered a heart-healthy salad. G.W.
leaned over to the waitress and said, "Honey, could I get a quickie from you today?"

The waitress was horrified and said, "Mr. President, I have always appreciated that after Bill Clinton, you brought a new era of
morality and virtue to the White House. I cannot believe you asked me that. I am sorry I ever voted for you." With that, she
stormed away.

The President looked at Cheyney and asked, "What was that all about? What got her upset?" Cheyney leaned over and said,
"Mr. President, I think it's pronounced 'quiche.' "

[classicsoftware]

> A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing
> with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up
and
> said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
>
> Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom
> and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and
make
> me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV
as
> my boyfriend."
>
> Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
> banging on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
>
> The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the
door,
> and there stood Grandma's minister.
>
> The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
>
> The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
> boyfriend."
>
> The minister fainted.

[Donn]

> The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest.
> Readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for
> various words. The following were some of this
> year's winning entries:
>
> 1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
>
> 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight
> you have gained.
>
> 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a
> flat stomach
>
> 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation when
> drunk.
>
> 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
>
> 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which
> you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
>
> 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
>
> 8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive flavoured mouthwash.
>
> 9. Flatulence (n.), the emergency vehicle that picks
> you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
>
> 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
>
> 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
>
> 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor
> assumed by a proctologist immediately before he
> examines you.
> 13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his
> conversation with Yiddis expressions.
> 14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer
> shorts.
> 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you
> die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck
> there.
> 16. Pokemon (n.), a Jamaican proctologist
_________________________________________________

[jeeza]

Originally posted by PrntRhd
Two nudists got divorced because they were seeing too much of each
other.
Getting some clothes on them would have been a much less costly solution, IMHO.

[Whyzman]

Especially in a 50%/50% State! ;)

[Donn]

My favorite:

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

[jeeza]

Originally posted by Whyzman
Especially in a 50%/50% State! ;)
Don't get it... :confused: :)

[Whyzman]

Personal property is split half and half in a divorce...

[PrntRhd]

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

[PrntRhd]

Seeing Feb 14 is coming up fast:

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[classicsoftware]

How Do You Get To Heaven?
>
> "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale,
> and gave all my money to the church, would that get me
> into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school
> class.
>
> "NO!" the children all answered.
>
> "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard,
> and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me
> into heaven?
>
> "Again the answer was, "NO!"
>
> "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy
> to all the children and loved my wife, would that get
> me into heaven?" I asked them again.
>
> Once more they all answered, "NO!"
>
> "Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit
> more theologically sophisticated than I had given them
> credit for, "then how can I get into heaven?"
>
> A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
>

[classicsoftware]

ABBOT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about
buying a computer.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou

ABBOT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou

ABBOT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOT: Do you want a computer with windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOT: Software for windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOT: I recommend office with windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just say,
I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOT: word.

COSTELLO: what word?

ABBOT: word in office.

COSTELLO: the only word in office is office.

ABBOT: the word in office for windows.

COSTELLO: which word in office for windows?

ABBOT: the word you get when you click the blue "w"

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOT: yes, you want real one.

COSTELLO: maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOT: real one.

COSTELLO: if it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them?

ABBOT: of course.

COSTELLO: great, with what?

ABBOT: real one.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOT: you click the blue 1

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOT: the blue 1.

COSTELLO: is that different from the blue w?

ABBOT: the blue 1 is Realone and the blue w is word.

COSTELLO: what word?

ABBOT: the word in office for windows.

COSTELLO: but there's three words in office for windows!

ABBOT: no, just one. but it's the most popular word in the world

COSTELLO: it is?

ABBOT: yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other words out there.

COSTELLO: and that word is real one?

ABBOT: real one has nothing to do with word. Real one isn't even part of office.

COSTELLO: stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping, you have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOT: money.

COSTELLO: that's right. What do you have?

ABBOT: money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOT: it comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: what's bundled to my computer?

ABBOT: money

COSTELLO: money comes with my computer?

ABBOT: yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOT: one copy

COSTELLO: isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO: they can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOT: why not, they own it.

[Whyzman]

:D :D

[malcore]

For Sylvander (probably heard it already though)



An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury. He goes to speak to the first man he sees and the man pipes up: "Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a'ye tak your place, painch, tripe, or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o'a grace as lang's my arm."

The Englishman, being somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient and immediately the patient launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it. But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit."

This continues with the next patient: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what aq panic's in thy breastie! Thou need not start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, Wi murdering pattle!"

The Englishman turns to the doctor accompanying him on the visit and asks what sort of ward this is. A psychiatric ward?

"No, No," replies the doctor, "It's the serious Burns unit."

[jeeza]

Whyzman,
me : Don't get it...

you : Personal property is split half and half in a divorce...

Should have got it... :rolleyes:

[jeeza]

Originally posted by malcore
For Sylvander (probably heard it already though)
(...)
"No, No," replies the doctor, "It's the serious Burns unit."
Very good one ! LOL
Hope you don't mind I read it ? :) :D

[Sylvander]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy dress
party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg,
so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days
later he receives a parcel with a note.

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover
your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden
leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives
another parcel and a note which says:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will
cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the
part.

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a really
rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Pour the tin of syrup over your
bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ar$e and go as a toffee apple.

[Sylvander]

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE
LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT
BACK
OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON
THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING
YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE
ON
THE FIRST FLOOR.

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
CHARGES.


Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESN'T
WORK.)

[PrntRhd]

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's butt and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

[PrntRhd]

Error codes in Windows
# WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger
# WinErr 002: No Error - Yet
# WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
# WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
# WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused
# WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
# WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
# WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
# WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what happened
# WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
# WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
# WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More!
# WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside
# WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside
# WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
# WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
# WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside
# WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside
# WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ?
# WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
# WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System destroyed. Buy new one.
# WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
# WinErr 01A: OS overwritten - Please reinstall all software.
# WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will suffer a penalty for that.
# WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
# WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
# WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
# WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
# WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
# WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
# WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
# WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
# WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
# WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
# WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available.
# WinErr 912: Purchase a new copy of Windows today. Old license void. Windows has been deleted.

[PrntRhd]

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
What happens if you get scared to death twice?
If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

[PrntRhd]

PEST CONTROL
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards."

[Sylvander]

The non-British might have difficulty with this one.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy is on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

He's got £500,000. Chris Tarrant asks him the big question for 1 million quid.

"Paddy, for £1million, who was the great train robber"?

"Was it: (A) Ronnie Barker; (B) Ronnie O'Sullivan; (C) Ronnie Corbett, or..was it (D) Ronnie Biggs"?

Paddy say's..."Oi'll take de money please Chris"

Chris reminds him that he still has his 3 life lines left.

Paddy again say's.."Nope, Oi'll take de money please Chris"

"You don't want to phone a friend" says Chris.

"No t'anks, Oi'll take de money - foinal answer"

"OK" says Chris, looking bemused "give him a round of applause ladies and gentlemen, Paddy goes away with £500,000."

"However before you go, you'll obviously want to know what the answer was Paddy?"

Paddy said "No, yer alroight, Oi knew de answer anyway, t'anks Chris"

"You knew it anyway!....are you mad!!!" asks Chris, "Are you mental?"

Paddy says, "Oi moight be mental Chris....but Oi'm no feckin grass!".
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm 25% Irish, 25% English, 25% Scottish and the other 25% is possibly Irish [I haven't traced that branch back far enough to know they came from Ireland], so don't start getting politically correct on me.
IT'S A JOKE !

[pave_spectre]

If I grass him up can I have the million?

25% English,

Bit of yorkshire in there was there?

[Sylvander]

1a. Auckland in Durham c1713, 1750, 1793; then Newcastle in Northumberland 1814, 1863; then East Lothian,Scotland 1903.

Other lines:
1b. East Lothian, Scotland from 1600 to 1903.

2a. The Stewartry of Kirkcudbright,Scotland c1750, c1770, c1794; Port Patrick,Wigtownshire c1825; Airdrie,Lanarkshire 1865; Stirling,Scotland 1906.
2b. Ireland c1840; Airdrie,Lanarkshire,Scotland 1861, c1879; Stirling,Scotland 1906

[Donn]

Classicsoftware, a possible addition to your "Thoughts" list:

Does sticking your hand in a cold shower and then moving your hand up and down in the stream of water make the water get hotter faster?

Best//Donn

[Sylvander]

These are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and published by court reporters. Jings!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: And it was then that the robbers started firing?
A: Yes.
Q: And you claim you were shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot in the leg.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the crash?
A: Gucci jeans and Reeboks.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which!
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Would you repeat that question, please?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: So the date of conception of your baby was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
A: I resent that question.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up as well?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: All your responses must be oral. Do you understand?
A: Yes.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Pennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy
on him.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising
law somewhere.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Sylvander]

TOP JOKE IN WALES. A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when
he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to
investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The
turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and
replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

TOP JOKE IN ENGLAND. Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts
to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar
gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The
first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home
dad you're drunk."

TOP JOKE IN SCOTLAND. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my
grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

TOP JOKE IN NORTHERN IRELAND. A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad
news and worse news".

"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.

The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."

"That's terrible," said the patient. "How can the news possibly be
worse?".

The doctor replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

TOP JOKE IN UK. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver
says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes
to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to
her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there
and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

TOP JOKE IN USA. A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their
local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when
he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He
stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows
down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and
touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then
replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

TOP JOKE IN CANADA. When Nasa first started sending up astronauts, they
quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, scientists spent a decade and 12 billion dollars
to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater,
on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from
below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

TOP JOKE IN AUSTRALIA. This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking
very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a
look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the
mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all
wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had
this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says:
"Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your
eyesight...."

TOP JOKE IN BELGIUM. Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

TOP JOKE IN GERMANY. A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving
oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and
say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time,
until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out
his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said:
"That's it."

[Fruss Tray Ted]

http://www.digitaltearsdesign.com/funnypics/3.jpg

[Donn]

Sylvander joked:

TOP JOKE IN GERMANY. A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving
oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and
say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time,
until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out
his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said:
"That's it."

__________

this joke is a veteran that has been rewritten many times. I understand it has been around since WWII. The first time I heard it was in 1968 or 69, and it was told by Arlo Guthrie at a concert with Vietnam era
draftboard-physical-exam decorations. Brought back some memories, thanks. . .

Best//Donn

[PrntRhd]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . . . . . . "

"You just happened to catch my eye. "

[PrntRhd]

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood.

"Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten." he pleaded.

The two social workers turned and walked away.

One remarked to her colleague, "You know the person that did this really needs help."

[classicsoftware]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their
new wives straight on their duties.

The first man had married a woman from Pennsylvania. He bragged that he
had told his wife to do all the dishes and clean the house. He said that
it took her a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a
clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Ohio. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
the cooking. He told the men that the first day he didn't see any
results, but by the next day it was better, and on the third day, his
house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the
table.

The third man had married a Maine girl. He boasted that he told her his
house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry
folded. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he
didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!

Got to love those women from Maine!

[classicsoftware]

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his
little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she
asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?"
she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs" Her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?", the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then she took her foot and stomped
the spiders flat.
"That might be OK in Massachusetts, but
we're not having any of that here in Texas" ...

[classicsoftware]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the
rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the
best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in
Church beside my wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on
the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won
the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You
know,he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
>>

[classicsoftware]

An elderly Canadian gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At

French customs he fumbled for his passport.


"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked

sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France before.


"Then, you should know enough to have your passport ready for

inspection," snapped the irate official.



The Canadian said, "The last time I came to France I didn't have to show my passport."



"Impossible, old man. You Canadians always have to show your passports

on arrival in France!"



The old Canadian gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then,

With the feel of acid on his words, calmly said, "I assure you, young

man, That when I came ashore on Juno Beach in Normandy on D-Day in 1944,

there wasn't a "f..."' Frenchmen anywhere on that beach.

[classicsoftware]

At the Russian War College, a general is a guest lecturer and tells the
class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems
and the resulting strategies.

One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question,
"Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"
"Yes, comrades, it looks like you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China."
The class is surprised, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General,
we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"

"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is
not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the
Middle East, 5 million Jews have been fighting against 300 million Arabs,
and the Jews have been the winners every time."

"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews

[classicsoftware]

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that
the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off. The entrance
opens,
and two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing
dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his
way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit,
the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing
nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little
practical joke.

None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and
the people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water
at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the
plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that
moment, the plane lifts
smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly,
and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the
plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one
of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die.

[classicsoftware]

What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very
important person which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in...and then the trouble started ....

[classicsoftware]

ittle Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father
>that
> > they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since
>Valentine's
> > Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will
> >God get
> > mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
> >
> > Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God
>would
> > get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
> >
> > "Osama Bin Laden," she says.
> >
> > "Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
> >
> > "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl
> > could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start
> >to think
> > that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a
>little
> > bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to
> >Osama, he'd
> > love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place
>to
> > tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone
> > anymore."
> >
> > Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with
>newfound
> > pride.
> >
> > "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
> >
> > "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open,
>the
> > Marines could blow the **** out of him."

[Whyzman]

It's been a little over a year now since John and Mary had all the windows in their house replaced with new custom built, the "latest and greatest," energy efficient ones.

It's also been a little over a year since the job was completed and the contractor has not been paid one dime.

After repeated unanswered billings the contractor calls John complaining about the fact that the job was completed to their satisfaction and that he hasn't received any money for the job.

John's response to the builder questioned his audacity in billing for his work. "How do you dare harrass me with repeated billings? You specifically told me that these windows would pay for themselves in a year?"

[Whyzman]

This is "no joke," but rather a recounting a an experience I had a while back.

My family enjoys crosswords in the morning around coffee. We are a bunch of amateur puzzlers and pass the crossword puzzle around after we get stuck or fill in a few and pass it around.

I was having lunch one day at a restaurant where today's papers are available to customers in a bin. I found the crossword puzzle section and lo and behold, someone had taken a stab at it. I was anxious to chip in my two cents worth when I noticed something peculiar...

There were words filled in that extended beyond the boundaries into the margins! I'd never given that a thought before...how creative! If you cannot think of a 5 letter word to fit...extrapolate, "think outside the box!" Is that where that saying comes from you suppose?

Anyway, that certainly tickled my funnybone...and still does, especially, when I get frustrated working a puzzle...;)

[pave_spectre]

Q.What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?


A.A Dan Quayle watch.

[jabarnutcase]

That's pretty good WYZMN!
How could you ever have Cross Words with someone like that?

As Puzzling as it is that they would go that route, one must admire their ingenuity! :p

[Vic 970]

it always makes me smile when I open this topic, as sylvanders opening remark

take my wife

i remember it being used by a comedian, followed by........,

please


:D

[Sylvander]

Yep,

I remember that one too:) :D ;)

In real life, she who must be obeyed is the one who makes me laugh the most.

I wonder how Kay is doing.....

[stefanus]

One from Scoptland circa 1950:

Pollis Constable Macfarland attending an accident scene: And where you on the tram car when you fell off Mrs McLusky.

One from South Africa (Fee State circa 1965)

And now for your Final Qestion Mr Van der Merwe.(Q) What is the difference between a blond an a VW.) (A) Mmmmm I would not know.I have never ridden a VW.

[Donn]

Originally posted by Vic 970
it always makes me smile when I open this topic, as sylvanders opening remark

take my wife

i remember it being used by a comedian, followed by........,

please


:D

that would have been Henny Youngman originally, from the "Borscht Circuit", the clubs in the Catskill Mountains of NY. After him Rodney Dangerfield picked up the one liners, including that one. I have a whole list of HY's one liners somewhere. If I find them I'll post them.

Here's two:

"I just took the best trip of my life: I dropped my wife at the ariport."

My wife and I like to go out once a week for a little dinner and some quiet conversation: I go on tuesday, and she goes on thursday."

Best//Donn

[pave_spectre]

Just a few quotes pulled from /usr/games/fortune.


If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for
tomorrow morning, sleep late.
-- Henny Youngman


A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
adds up to be real money.
-- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen


"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right
hands."
-- Saint Patrick


There are three ways to get something done:
(1) Do it yourself.
(2) Hire someone to do it for you.
(3) Forbid your kids to do it.


"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
it's too dark to read."
-- Groucho Marx


According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
the returns."

[Sylvander]

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply.

"Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!"

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex was work, my wife would have
the maid do it."

[Whyzman]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, would you open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Old Ladies! :p

[gracious]

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North ...

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.
"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"

"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.

The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"

"It was ME," chortled the Indian.

So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.

Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies.

"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"

"Fair enough," said Sven.

"Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"

"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"

The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"

[stefanus]

Excelent, Gracious. The best yet. Heard similar some years ago, but it was our own Mnr. Van Der Mwerve
Stefanus :D

[rahulkothari]

ya, Gracious, that kid WAS me. :D

... Yesterday when i left my pc on suspend mode and then logged back in, i found my lan had been cloned :eek: .... one showed connected and other disconnected. :D After few seconds, second lan icon disappeared. :(

I hope this qualifies as a joke :p

[Donn]

More from those over burdened intellects at New Scientist magazine:

RECENTLY we noted the wit and wisdom that occasionally makes a fleeting appearance on laboratory whiteboards, only to be scrubbed off again by diligent cleaners (10 January). We appealed to readers to supply examples so that we could save them for posterity. Here are some of the results.

Meredith Harron's favourite was in the office of a mathematician in an engineering research organisation. It said: "2 does not equal 3, even for very large values of 2".
___________________________________

The board in James Cater's lab was recently adorned with the old saw "It is nice to be important, but far more important to be nice". It is a sad comment on our cynical times that this was removed almost immediately.
_______________________

Sadly, the origin of the example we liked best remains lost in the depths of our filing system, so we can't say who it was saw the message "Get me out of this whiteboard", next to a blackboard with the message: "Free at last!"
___________________________________


WILL they never learn? Following several email virus attacks, the systems administrator for the physics department at Laval University in Quebec City, Canada, forwarded a warning to all its users concerning the dangers of opening email attachments. Specifically, Aaron Carlos Vincent tells us, the message cautioned that under no circumstances should users open unsolicited attached files, even if the file appeared to come from a legitimate sender.

And how was this valuable advice sent out? As an email attachment, of course.
___________________________________

ANOTHER from the department of unusual units. Reader Buzzy Murray was so interested in the arrival of last month's National Chip Week (16 to 22 February) that he visited the British Potato Council's website (www.potato.org.uk), where he learned that: "We tuck into an enormous 38,000 tonnes of chips every week. That's the equivalent of almost 5500 double-decker buses."

Bet you can't eat just one mesquite flavored double-decker bus. . . .

[stefanus]

Yisterdae i kudint spel injenear. Todae i iz wun :D ;)

Stefanus

[Sylvander]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Father O'Malley answers the phone...
"Top of the morning to you!"
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody!"

[akif]

(This is from a local forum)

1. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
2. Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.
3. How come you're here? I thought the zoo is closed at night!
4. At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!
5. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!
6. He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?

[Sylvander]

If your studying how to make friends and influence people your doing it wrong :) :D

[Donn]

Originally posted by Sylvander
If your studying how to make friends and influence people your doing it wrong :) :D

Not if his (her) friends think the same way. . . .

[classicsoftware]

A teacher in a small Texas town asks her class how many of them are George Bush fans.


Not really knowing what a George Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one
boy.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Johnny says, "I'm not a George Bush fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a George Bush fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a John Kerry fan."

The teacher asks why he's a John Kerry fan.

The boy says, "Well, my mom's a John Kerry fan and my dad's a John Kerry fan, so I am too!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she asks,

"What if your Mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a George Bush fan".

[classicsoftware]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because
white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her
life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said,"So why is
the groom wearing black?"

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she
could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed,
"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me
be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a
curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got
up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once
again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But
please don't shove me either!"

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their
fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of
paper, he calls it a poem, theygive him $50." The second boy says,
"That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he
calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got
you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he
calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married,
she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten
instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't
take me out while I was alive, I don't want them
to take me out when I'm dead.

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph
and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child
replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered,
"Thou shall not kill."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created
everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially
intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were
ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded,
"I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.

[classicsoftware]

A man arrives to the Ben Gurion International
Airport in Tel Aviv with two large bags.
The customs agent opens the first bag and
finds it full with money in different currencies.

The agent asks the passenger, "How did you get this
money?" The man says, "You will not believe it, but I
traveled all over Europe, went into public restrooms, each time I saw a man > pee, I grabbed his penis and said, "donate money to Israel or I will cut your balls off"...

The customs agent said, "well ... it's very
interesting story ... what do you
have in the other bag?"

The man said, "You would not believe how many
people in Europe do not support Israel"...

[classicsoftware]

They keep talking about drafting
a Constitution for Iraq.



Why don't we
just give them ours?


It was written by
a lot of really smart guys,

it's worked for over 200 years and

we're not using it anymore

[killercow]

I didn't pass:

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/conflict.gif


We take you now to the Oval Office

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now what are you asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

*spinoff of whos on first
;) :p *

[stefanus]

HENRY IS A WIMP.

NO HE IS NOT!

YES I AM !!


Stefanus

[Sylvander]

SUBJECT: BATHING THE CAT

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add the required amount of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4.The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet; the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse."

6. Have someone open the door to the outside. Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean!

Always here to give you the best of tested advice in difficult
times....

Sincerely,
The Dog

[stefanus]

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself off.

What happens if the cat is a SHE :D
Stefanus ;)

[Donn]

Wife takes ill, knows she's going to die. She
commissions a painting of herself as commemoration.
Now, she's not very rich, but she instructs the
painter to paint her in an elaborate gown.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
Then she tells the painter to paint her in a diamond
necklace.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
Then she tells the painter to paint her in ruby and
diamond earrings.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
Then she tells the painter to cover her hands in rings
and bracelets of priceless gems.
Now the painter's had it. He says, "This isn't who
you are at all! Why are you having me paint all of
this stuff on you?"

"My husband's still pretty young. After I die, he'll
probably take a new wife, and I want her to spend half
her life looking for the damn jewels."

[Donn]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Sylvander
[B]SUBJECT: BATHING THE CAT

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add the required amount of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

______________

...lot easier to drop 'em in the washing machine, gentle cycle of course. Anybody remember the Kliban book "1,001 Uses For A Dead Cat" ?
;) ;) ;)
:rolleyes:

[stefanus]

Errr, No!

Stefanus :D

[stefanus]

Three people shipwrecked on an Island. One day a strange looking bottle washed up on the beach and the one guy immediatley opened it. There was a loud hissing and rumbling with a huge cloud of smoke when suddenly a Genie appeared and said. Thank you masters for releasing me from that bottle, I have been imprisoned there for five thousand years, you can now have one wish each, but think very carefully because when the wish is granted it cannot be undone.
The first person said. I would like to return home and be very very rich for the rest of my life. Swoosh the person disapeared. The second person said , I would like the same. Woosh and he was gone. After about an hour the Genie said to the last person. Master what is your wish, and the guy said. I wish my two friends where back here :cool:


Stefanus

[Whyzman]

A true test of friendship! ;)

I always thought if approached by the proverbial genie in the bottle that you were supposed to take the wish and, "Wish that all the wishes you wish would come true!" :p

[stefanus]

You should have told me! I did not know that at the time. I was the third guy :D :cool: I hate being lonely.

Stefanus