JOKES

[rahulkothari]

Its important to have friends... (http://in.geocities.com/rahulsince1983/friends.jpg) :)

[PrntRhd]

Its important to have friends...

Bad link?

[rahulkothari]

:( i tested the link, it worked in IE but not in Mozilla :confused: Now, its not working in either of them... oh forget it, we are in the After Hours Club :D

Here is the working link ;)

http://in.geocities.com/rahulsince1983/friends.html

[pave_spectre]

I wish my two friends where back here

You're supposed to wish for a never-ending packet of Tim Tams.:rolleyes:

[Sylvander]

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK:

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.

2. I don't know what your problem is but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message

8. I don't work here, I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you! . You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office, it's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder --- my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career---turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it--- it's like humor---but different.

[Sylvander]

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day she calls
home and a strange woman answers.

Wife: Who is this?

Maid: This is the maid.

Wife: We don't have a maid.

Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house.

Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?

Maid: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I assumed was his wife. The wife is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

Maid: Of course! What will I have to do?

Wife: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot him and the
woman he's with.The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps, then gunshots, then more footsteps.

Maid: What do I do with the bodies?

Wife: Just drag them out and throw them in the swimming pool.

Maid: There's no pool here.

A long pause.

Wife: Is this 832-4821?

[stefanus]

:D Pave what are/is Tim Tams. We (Me) third world guys are still trying to catch up.
Sylvander your items are belly shaking and rib cracking ;) Can I print them or will I be incarserated (cool: :D)

Stefanus

[pave_spectre]

what are/is Tim Tams

AAaarrgggh, sacrilege, how can you not have heard of the greatest chocolate biscuit in the entire universe?:mad: :mad: :mad:

Even that marvelous actress Jennifer Love Hewitt enjoys a Tim Tam.

I suppose I can let you off since you're foreign.:rolleyes: :p :D :D

Theres nothing like a Tim Tam dipped in coffee(or if your advanced enough used as a straw to drink coffee).

Sylvander, I love those kinds of thing, I have whole documents of things like that, cant get enough.:D :D



Inform the troops that communications have broken down

Bumper Sticker Sayings.
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
10. You! Off my planet!
11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
17. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
24. Adults are just kids who owe money.
25. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
29. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
30. You look like ****. Is that the style now?
31. Earth is full. Go home.
32. Is it time for your medication or mine?
33. Does this condom make me look fat?
34. I plead contemporary insanity.
35. And which dwarf are you?
36. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. Meandering to a different drummer.
39. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
40. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
41. Support the right to keep and arm bears.

[Donn]

I saw this list somewhere as 'things you never hear in the office' to which i would like to add, if it is aceptable:

"No no, FIRST you become knowledgeable, THEN, you become relevant..."

whaddaya think?

[pave_spectre]

Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.



63,000 bugs in the code, 63,000 bugs,
ya get 1 whacked with a service pack,
now there's 63,005 bugs in the code!!

[Abbadon]

Originally posted by pave_spectre
63,000 bugs in the code, 63,000 bugs,
ya get 1 whacked with a service pack,
now there's 63,005 bugs in the code!!

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

[pave_spectre]

I thought someone would find that particular one amusing.;)




Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San Francisco?

A: Both of them.



Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".




Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.




Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.




Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.

[gracious]

Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are...

You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, see the duct tape.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to potty.

If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!

And Finally...

Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!
:D :D :D :D

[Donn]

Sorry to announce.....


It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from a stomach injury. Sources close to the coroner's inquest have hinted that the stomach injury seems to have been some sort of on-going blunt force trauma.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Aunt Jemima, and Captain Crunch. Pallbearers were Snap, Crackle, & Pop, The Fruit Loops, Little Debbie, and many more.

The gravesite was piled high with flours. Mogen David delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. His wife, Play Dough, survives doughboy; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. His elderly father, Pop Tart, also survives him.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
__________________________________________________ ________

[akif]

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in
the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other
valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and
then
installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf
Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply
crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command:"http: I
Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't
forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as
designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications
Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above
application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy
Hour 7.0,
or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the
Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it
runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all
your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the
Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7
Thank You,
Technical Support

[Whyzman]

:D :D :D Nice akif!!

I was wondering if these applications would work also work for a "Mom & Pop" shop??

I suspect that "Mom & Pop" would need some additional programs to cover expected or "unexpected" expansion. Progeny 1.0 can easily be upgraded to match personal needs.

I didn't see anthing about the ability for Husband 1.0 to multi-task, which may be just as well. If he's not upgraded his Operating System to something eXtra sPecial he'll definitely have trouble with limited resources and could simply freeze up rendering him useless!

If you notice that he's beginning to browse more than usual, you might want to consider uninstalling Headache 1.0 or any similar pop-up killers you might be running.

[linus_lynn]

http://www.sr.bham.ac.uk/~jpfo/jokes/stealth.jpg

[Abbadon]

:D

Now THAT is what I call "stealth technology"

:D

[stefanus]

:D
Or, what ever he has been smokeing, it must be good. May be some one should have told him that his flight has left already.
:cool:

Stefanus

[Donn]

Abadon wrote:

Now THAT is what I call "stealth technology"



Originally posted by stefanus
:D
Or, what ever he has been smokeing, it must be good. May be some one should have told him that his flight has left already.
:cool:

Stefanus

No no, you guys have to look at this with a little logic. See, this is just one more example of gov't waste. Here they issued this man a powdered fighter jet, and didn't issue the proper operator's manual to tell him how much water to add. So there he is...wating...and wating...and wating for the thing to expand to full size, and from the looks of it, I'd say he has quite wait. More water-- that's what's needed here.

Simple.

[PrntRhd]

No no, you guys have to look at this with a little logic. See, this is just one more example of gov't waste. Here they issued this man a powdered fighter jet, and didn't issue the proper operator's manual to tell him how much water to add. So there he is...wating...and wating...and wating for the thing to expand to full size, and from the looks of it, I'd say he has quite wait. More water-- that's what's needed here.

No, if that was true the mods might have to move the thread to After Hours Nothing thread.
:D :D

[Whyzman]

He's just practicing the "Hokey Pokey!" His brother is getting married next week...

[jabarnutcase]

My theory is that he's the Co-Pilot....The pilot already took off. (Similar to stefanus's theory)


Unfortunately, he had a few too many the night before and just isn't paying attention. :p

Too bad the next frame of the film is missing....I suspect you would see him flat on his face in pretty bad shape. :D

[Donn]

Originally posted by Whyzman
He's just practicing the "Hokey Pokey!"


So! That IS what it's really all about.

[Whyzman]

Was there really ever any doubt?! ;)

[pave_spectre]

I knew the F-22 was meant to be stealthy but that is ridiculous.:rolleyes: :eek: :p

[stefanus]

:rolleyes:
Or a Cosmonaut practising SPACE WALKING :D :D :D

Stefanus

[Donn]

Well, perhaps he just likes standing in this position on a ladder over the rain-shadow of a jet fighter. That's certainly his prerogative. What I wish someone would tell me is: what is that long yellow-striped thing stuck to his hand like that ? (How did he do that?)

btw: if we took some of these e-mail sigs and edited them together they would come out like this:

remember this where e're you go take nice care of the peguins stealing effort and courage, a light, oderless gas preparation A through G on the forums, not in my e-mail yelling and screaming Caveat Emptor and Welcome to The PCGuide forum.

[Whyzman]

the rain-shadow of a jet fighter.

Well, if it's not Hokey Pokey practice, then the raised leg might explain whatever liquid that is on the floor... :rolleyes:

[gracious]

well I think that he just remembered that his wife told him to pick up some milk and he forgot to pick up the milk and told his buddies to take off without him and he is climbing back out of the stealth, duty calls!:D

[classicsoftware]

Going to a singles bar, he spotted a well built blonde woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a
week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Bill.

And the next day she became his stepmother.

[classicsoftware]

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)




To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes, way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them,

God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourelf.If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

[classicsoftware]

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

7. Just when you redecorate their room into a nice TV room, they show up with boxes, suitcases and large dogs, to move back home.

[classicsoftware]

Why I'm so tired!



For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why:

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with finding Ossama and Saddam's WMD. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, Leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.



Nice, real nice.

[classicsoftware]

THIS JOKE IS OFF COLOR IF YOU MAY BE OFFENDED DON'T READ IT

A woman was helping her computer illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password ..... something he will use to log on with. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife as he loudly spelled out each letter that he was keying in "p..e..n..i..s".

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:


"PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH."

[classicsoftware]

If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert to you.
But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender. For example:

Ziploc Bags - They are Male, because they hold everything in but you can see
right through them.

A Copier - is Female, because once turned on, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons
are pushed.

A Tire - has to be Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon - is definitely a Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light
a fire under it . . and, of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges - are Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page - Female, because it's always getting hit on.

A Subway - is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Hourglass - has to be a Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammer - Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

The Remote Control - is a Female . . . Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider that
it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right
buttons to push, he keeps trying.

[Donn]

according to Google, Windows 9x is defined as:

Microsoft desktop operating system, often described as: 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

Originally from: http://www.orafaq.com/glossary/faqglosw.htm

[Abbadon]

Originally posted by Donn
Microsoft desktop operating system, often described as: 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

A bit rude methinks :D

[Whyzman]

A bit rude methinks
That comment bites! :rolleyes:

[jabarnutcase]

I agree....I REALLY 8 "Bits" that Bite. :mad:

(:p )

[Abbadon]

Bitween Jabar and Whyzman, I can't do anything bit offer my appologies :)

[pave_spectre]

People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.

People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.

To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three people, two of them absent.

All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.

Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A: One per person.


A hypothetical paradox:
What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security
team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of
Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
-- Tom Galloway

[jabarnutcase]

Hurry! Auction ends tomorrow!

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=4146756343

This is serious stuff, not a joke...Just didn't know where else to put it. (Applications and Security?)

[jabarnutcase]

Sorry for the extra post....But you've got to check out the auction above! Yikes

It is completely legit....I only posted it originally because the guy that listed it was pretty funny.
The price at the time was a reasonable 600.00 (Well, I guess that was reasonable for a wedding gown). Starting Bid was $1.00

Anyway, it's out of control now.....Just wait until ebay wants their cut....
I wonder who the "joke" will be on then? :eek: :p

(I'm sure either ebay or the Seller will cancel it soon) Maybe? :confused: :D

[pave_spectre]

Originally posted by jabarnutcase
(I'm sure either ebay or the Seller will cancel it soon) Maybe? :confused: :D

I know if I was the seller I wouldnt cancel. Even if it was originally meant as a joke you could stll try and get some of that cash out the winner.:eek:

Current bid: US $99,999,999.00

[jabarnutcase]

Pretty wild huh?
I girl I used to work with emailed me the link earlier today...Guess she was looking at Wedding Gowns for her Daughter and thought the guy who listed it was funny (Which he is) :p

When I first looked, it was just a typical auction.
A fair amount of bids but nothing out of the ordinary.
I don't know what the heck happened, but something's up. :eek:

Everything about the Seller and the bidders as far as I can tell are legit. (Well, except that obviously they've made a joke out of it now).

I agree though....What's the guy got to lose? It clearly states before you bid that it's "a legally binding contract".

One thing's for sure- he should be able to afford "The Dream Team" of Lawyers to collect at least some of it. :D

[Whyzman]

If you check at the bottom of the bidder list you'll find a "ton" of cancellations for a myriad of reasons...pretty funny itself!

I suspect, as with some of the other bidders, that this one will probably say that they entered the wrong amount...

[jabarnutcase]

Hehe...Yes- Didn't check the cancellation history before you mentioned it.
Should be interesting to see how it all ends. Who ever is just "having a little fun" better be sure they cancel in time! :p

[Whyzman]

For sure...even Bill Gates would have a bit of difficulty matching the current bid...:)

[pave_spectre]

Maybe it is Bill Gates and he just needs a special outfit for the official release of longhorn.:p :p

[jabarnutcase]

:D

Why the heck am I up at 2:30 in the Morning looking at some guy in a Wedding Gown? :confused:

See you guyzzzzzzzzzzzz :p

[Budfred]

The site claims that someone actually won it for "US $3,850.00"... It will be interesting to see if there is any evidence that it may be a legit sell.... I also wonder how it got back down ot less than 4 Grand....

[jabarnutcase]

I'm sure it's legit Budfred.

It's a riot to check the bid cancellations (By clicking on "113 bids" and checking the bottom of the page).

At one point last night it was up to almost a BILLION Dollars...:eek:

And there were several Hundred Bidders before the Seller, some of the Bidders, (and then eBay) started canceling a lot of of them.

I noticed a lot of the cancellations- to get it back down to something within reason, were done by "eBay - Administration".
Not really sure how ebay would decide which Bids to cancel and which were legit. (Unless they just got rid of all bidders that weren't "Pre-Approved" after the Seller changed it).

Also, I noticed the seller made it a "Pre-Approved Bidders Only" late in the bidding with additional comments allowed by ebay.
I don't think he had any idea at first what a monster he would create.

What really has me puzzled, is how it became such a phenomenon so fast. (Unless the guy had a lot of other people in on it).

It appears he's even a bit of a Celebrity now, all because he decided to model a Wedding Gown.

Now why didn't I think of that? :p

I'm sure he's pretty happy too. I mean he didn't get over 900 Million Dollars for it that it reached last night, but close to 4 Grand for a $1200.00 gown aint bad. :p

[Budfred]

And... as I was loading this page my evening news was wrapping up on TV and guess what they wrapped up with.... This story.... Andy Warhol would be proud....:D :D

[jabarnutcase]

***eBay Radio Exclusive: The Wedding Dress Guy***
Date: 04/28/04 Time: 05:15:11 PM PDT


We interrupt our regular broadcast schedule to bring you an eBay Radio exclusive!

Griff (Jim Griffith), Dean of eBay University, talks with Larry Star, the seller behind one of the most popular and humorous listings ever placed on eBay. Nearly six million people have viewed the listing, and Larry has since appeared on CNBC, The Today Show and MSNBC.

Visit www.wsradio.com/ebaybreakingnews to listen to the interview and learn about the funny guy behind the dress, and his sudden rise to national attention.

Regards,
eBay

[jabarnutcase]

Woman's Perfect Breakfast
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and
his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

BEING ATTENTIVE
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be
because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

DEDUCTIVE REASONING
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me
to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God
made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

THERE"S A STORM "BREWING"
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get
up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
The wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"


Sorry guys...My Wife put me up to most of this

[Abbadon]

Originally posted by jabarnutcase
Sorry guys...My Wife put me up to most of this

Tell her I said thanks :D

[pave_spectre]

In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!"
There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other than a citizen bless their country?"


------------------------

This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go.

-------------------------

Q.Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?


A.It's quite uncanny.

--------------------------

The Ten Commandments for Technicians:
1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most untechnician-like manner.

7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in other ways.

[Donn]

There is supposedly something out of whack here--I don't get it unless it has something to do with the sound being oblique to the pic, which i think is hilarious (might need to turn up the speakers a tad)...try it, see what you think.


http://web.njit.edu/~pxs2030/download/whatswrong.swf

[PrntRhd]

I am getting 404 error Donn..

[Donn]

Originally posted by Donn
There is supposedly something out of whack here--I don't get it unless it has something to do with the sound being oblique to the pic, which i think is hilarious (might need to turn up the speakers a tad)...try it, see what you think.


http://web.njit.edu/~pxs2030/download/whatswrong.swf

Right, it's dead as a door nail. I guess they took it down. If they putit back up I'll re-post it.

[Donn]

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT MOVIES
>
> 1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.
>
> 2. One of a pair of identical twins is always born evil.
>
>3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut, you will always choose the right one.
>
>4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society. Interestingly, alien computers seem to be IBM compatible.
>
> 5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors one by one in perfect sequential order.
>
>6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
>
>7. If you are blonde & pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission, a combat fighter-pilot assessment specialist, or Presidential assistant by the age of 22.
>
>8. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, trap-door, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape, or an equal amount of time for the intended victim to use them against their inventor.
>
> 9. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
>
>10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
>
>11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
>
>12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
>
> 13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
>
>14. In war it is impossible to die unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
>
>15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German, Russian, Chinese, or Japanese officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. An accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the Germans.)
>
>16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
>
> 17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
>
> 18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it. (There should be commercial facilities for this activities in every city--like miniature golf--where you can take someone you only pretend to like...you can figure out the rest. )
>
>19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. The only alternative is to come out naked, however this would be most unfair as it would deprive the (burglar, alien invader, vampire, nosey neighbor...) of the opportunity to half-pull something off of her when she tries to run away.
>
>20. Word processors display a cursor that is four times larger than the letters about to be typed on screen, and will always say: Enter Password Now, and always in letters BIG ENOUGH TO BE SEEN BY THE HALF-BLIND OLD LADY WHO LIVES A BLOCK AWAY BEHIND SOME TREES.
>
>21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
>
> 22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
>
>23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty, but only at the insistence of political bosses who do not know him.
>
>24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps, they will all hear the same music, and this will always lead to eating food somewhere, either at home or at a fast-food restaurant, but for which money (and change) never makes an appearance.
>
>25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
>
>26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
>
>27. Toilet facilities do not exist except when it gives the captive victim an opportunity to get away, leave a message written in lipstick on the mirror (or somewhere) in the restroom, or when the victim is to be trapped there where they can hear the killer coming down the hallway.
>
>28. All killers are required to wear hard heels that can be heard coming down the hallway toward the (usually young female ) victim that is trapped in the restroom with no way to escape, but--she is allowed to have either lipstick or marker pen with which to write a message on the inside of the toilet stall.
>
>29. The message left by the victim somewhere in the restroom will be noticed by a nobody, and he or she (they must be either over weight or definitively odd looking) will take it to the police thinking he or she will be wasting their time. The message will coincidentally be left with an over-weight desk sergeant who is coming back from break with a doughnut and cup of coffee. He will coincidentally run into the detective who needs it, and mention it as an after-thought behind a conversation about the office beauty queen or baseball.
>
>
>

[pave_spectre]

12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

With modern aircraft, this one is probably close to being true.:p

[jabarnutcase]

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors one by one in perfect sequential order. Actually, only six people can attack you at any one time in a martial arts fight....There isn't room enough for any more, so they have no choice but to stand around and wait their turn.

(Sorry- pave_spectre made me do it). :p

[Donn]

Originally posted by jabarnutcase
Actually, only six people can attack you at any one time in a martial arts fight....There isn't room enough for any more, so they have no choice but to stand around and wait their turn.

(Sorry- pave_spectre made me do it). :p


Actually, no, the flying whirling back kick, which can be thrown vertically or as a leap--if he beats the guy hanging from the ceiling.

Watch, I'll show you: hhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiya!

See, told ya. Abnd besides, even though there are only so many horizontal attack positions, that doesn't mena they can only come at you one at a time.

[classicsoftware]

SLIGHTLY OFF COLOR JOKE - BE WARNED

Subject: FW: snotty doctor's receptionist

There's nothing worse than a person who insists you tell her what is
wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he
approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of
others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The
receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist
nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter

[classicsoftware]

Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Golf Is Better Than Sex

#10 - A below par performance is considered good.

#9 - You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of
beers.

#8 - It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7 - Foursomes are encouraged.

#6 - You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5 - Three times a day is possible.

#4 - Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.

#3 - If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.

#2 - You don'! t have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

and best of all................

#1 - If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can > replace it.

[Donn]

Originally posted by classicsoftware
SLIGHTLY OFF COLOR JOKE - BE WARNED


"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist
nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter


ROFL!!!!! LMAO!!!!! Oh, tht was great, gotta pass that one one. Thanks...:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :cool:

[classicsoftware]

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the world-famous heart surgeon in his shop.

The heart surgeon was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor, please come on over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic stood. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a
rag and asked, "So Doctor, look at this.

I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work just like a new one.

So how come you get the really big money when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The doctor smiled, leaned over and whispered to the
mechanic and said,

"Try doing it with the engine running!"

[classicsoftware]

Mommy Test

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked
her not to do that.

"Why?"

"Because it's been laying outside and it is dirty and probably has
germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, " Wow!
How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly,"...all moms knows this stuff. Um, it's on
the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.

"OH....I get It!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the
Daddy."

[classicsoftware]

Going to a singles bar, he spotted a well built blonde woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a
week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Bill.

And the next day she became his stepmother.

[classicsoftware]

A woman was helping her computer illiterate husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now
need to choose and enter a password ..... something he will use to log on
with. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when
the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife as he
loudly spelled out each letter that he was keying in "p..e..n..i..s".

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:


"PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH."

[classicsoftware]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a
whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said,
"When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask
him".



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to
see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently,she asked what the drawing was.. The girl replied,
"I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up
from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."



A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the
commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother
had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,
"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry
or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how
come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"



The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you >>>are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's
Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood
on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it
that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your
feet ain't empty."



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of
apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

[akif]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horroron his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

[Abbadon]

icky!

:D

[Donn]

ROFL!!! LMAO !!!! Oh, that's hilarious, that's the best punch line I've heard in a long time. That was great. Thanks. . . .

[stefanus]

Donn I agree emphatically, but what is LMAO??????.Or does one realy have to be mad

Stefanus

;)

[Donn]

LMAO = laughed my ... off

:rolleyes:

I forget if I may have already posted this one:

The Atheist And The Tiger Shark

An atheist was snorkeling one day, admiring all the beautiful creations in the water on a reef off the shore, "What beautiful sights to see down here," he said to himself while he was diving. He became so entranced with what he saw that he forgot to look around and watch out for sharks.
All of a sudden, while he was diving, a huge Tiger Shark pulled up alongside of him, and began to rub up against him and eye over. The Atheist began to swim for the surface, but as hard as he tried he just couldn't seem to reach the surface, it seemed to be getting farther and farther away. Then suddenly time just stopped, and his heart stopped, and he turned to look at the giant Tiger Shark swimming lazily alongside him.

In that instant, realizing he was shark food, he blurted out "Oh God!!" A brilliant ray of light flooded into the sea, and a voice came from everywhere saying: "After all these years of denial, now you call out to Me? All these years you teach others that all My works are naught but a cosmic coincidence, but now that your life is in danger, now you call out to Me, and you expect Me to save you? Should I now give unto you that which you called worthless for others? Is that what you expect?" The atheist looked directly into the Light, and said: "It would be hypocritical for me to now call myself a man of religion," and then priding himself on his debating abilities, he said: "It would certainly make more sense for You to make the Shark truly religious." "Done!" said the Voice in The Light, and The Light withdrew.

Then he started rising, and his heart started beating again, and he broke the surface and breathed in sweet fresh air. So too did the Tiger Shark come to the surface, and the atheist looked at the shark and smirked.

Then he saw the shark bring it's front fins together and tip it's head forward as one in prayer, and said:

"Lord, I sincerely thank Thee for this food I am about receive,
and wish to express a deepening gratitude, forever. Amen."
__________________________________________________ _________

[akif]

MIGHT BE OFFENSIVE ... FOR FBI
==============================

An old Arab man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Abdul, who used to help him, was being held by the FBI for aiding and abetting terrorists.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Abdul,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't able able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Your Dad,
Mohammad.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the
biological weapons.
Love,
Abdul.

At 4a.m. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any weapons. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Lesson : who said FBI was not useful!!

[Donn]

I hope you all have not seen this one yet, it's been around a while though....

if the picture doesn't come through right away put your arrow cursor in the middle of the screen and move it around until the pic does. Then repeat above.

http://www.sunbelt-software.com/stu/eye.htm

[Fruss Tray Ted]

Aye Yay yayayieee!!!

Look 'ere. Don't you go 'eye'n' no part o'that. Sea it all too... :D
WAAAY COOL, Dude!

[LadyGrey]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Ken the computer guy, to come over. Ken clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T


LG:D :D

[akif]

:D :D
Good one LG

[Whyzman]

Ohwah Tafoo Liam :D

[Fruss Tray Ted]

Room Service:
RS:"Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS: "Rye.. Ruin sorbees.. morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?... pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem... crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine"
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes'
means."
RS: "Toes! toes!... why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we
bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast'. Fine. Yes, an
English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No.. just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter... just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy... tea... mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, á
tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy... rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"

[Donn]

A blonde state trooper pulls over a speeding blonde Barbi. He comes to the window, and asks for her driver's license, he says, looking at her, "it's the one with your picture on it." So she looks through her purse and true to blonde-form hands him her compact mirror.

The trooper looks at it, and exclaims: "Aw geez, why didn't you tell me you were a cop!"

[classicsoftware]

True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask:

Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

[Donn]

A blonde math wizard decides she has had enough of people giving her a hard time about being a "dumb blonde" so she decides to dye herhair walnut brown.

When she is done she goes for a ride in her car to see if people will react differently to her. While riding in the country she sees a herd of sheep in a field and she pulls over to play one of her favorite games.

She finds the sheep herder and asks him if he knows exactly how many sheep he has in his herd. Then she tells him that she is a math wizard, and if he is a betting man, she will bet him that she can look at the herd for five seconds and tell him exactly how many sheep are in the herd. If she wins the bet, she can pick any sheep she wants. If she loses she has to give him her car.

So the sheep herder says ok, and the blonde walks over to the fence and climbs up to get a better view. She prompty announces "314 sheep and two dogs."

The sheep herder is amazed. She says thanks, and she will now take the sheep of her choice.

After she gets the one she wants, the sheep herder comes over to the car, looks in the back seat at the one she chose, and asks her if she is really a betting woman. The math wizard-former blonde says she sure is, and the sheep herder says:

"You can keep your car, but if I can guess the true color of your hair, will you give me back my dog?"

[PrntRhd]

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"

[PrntRhd]

A BRUNETTE, A REDHEAD & A BLONDE all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed their boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know?

The next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left. The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her dinner date.

The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to the bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS.

Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them.

"NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday"

[Fruss Tray Ted]

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).


Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training S.H.I.T. We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

[Abbadon]

In addition to this:

Originally posted by Fruss Tray Ted
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training S.H.I.T. We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.

...I bring you this internal memo of that same company:
Internal memo


Subject: Special High Intensity Training
To: All employees
From: HR-director



In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else does.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediatly placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are specially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. that you can handle.

Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departemental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employees Attitude Training (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs and can apply for promotion to the Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.)

If you have further questions, please send them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,
Boss In General
Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

[Abbadon]

This might be a rerun, but I'll give it to you anyway...

The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:

This fire help. Me Groog

Me Lorto Help Fire not work

You have flint and stone?

Ugh

You hit them together?

Ugh

What happen?

Fire not work

(sigh) Make spark?

Ugh

You have tinder and kindling near spark?

Ohhhhhhhhhhh.



And in a slight variation:


The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:

This fire help. Me Groog

Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.

You have flint and stone?

Ugh

You hit them together?

Ugh

What happen?

Fire not work

(sigh) Make spark?

No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.

*sigh* You change rock?

I change nothing

You sure?

Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.

*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*

*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*

[Sylvander]

BY WOMEN FOR WOMEN

A man went to the doctor's because he suffered from terrible headaches.
The doctor gave him a full exam and shook his head. "I'm sorry," the
doctor said, " You have an inoperable brain tumor and will need to have
a brain transplant immediately. I can operate on you today but you'll
need to pick out a brain."

The man followed the doctor into another room to pick out his brain.
"Okay," the doctor said, "the men's brains are over here and cost
$100,000. Or you could get a woman's brain, over there, those cost
$30,000. Pick which ever one you want."

The man could not help but ask, "Why such a difference in price between
the male and the female brain?"

"Well," the doctor replied, "you have to take into account that the
female brain was actually used."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
A widower.

Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn't ask for directions.

What the quickest way to a man's heart?
Through the chest with a sharp knife.

When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
Close the door.

A farmer and his wife are in bed. He reaches forward and feels her
breasts.
He says "you know if these were bigger we wouldn't need the cow"
She reaches back to feel his penis and says "If this was bigger we
wouldn't need the farm manager"

Q: How are men and linolium alike?
A: If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them the
rest of your life!

[Sylvander]

BY MEN FOR MEN

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None; it should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the
required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course; he'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's
sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man have rested.

[Fruss Tray Ted]

A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Kenny the rooster cost a lot of money, but the farmer decided he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard first, giving the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. -WHAM! - Kenny nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again-WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful-and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

[Fruss Tray Ted]

When the minister agreed to marry the young couple in his church, he stipulated that they remain abstinent during their engagement.
One week before the wedding, he met with the two of them and asked, "Have you remained chaste, as I counseled you?"

"Well, last week my fianc'ee was reaching for a box of light bulbs on a high shelf, and she dropped it. When she stooped to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and---suffice to say-- we lost all control right there."

"Well then, I'm sorry, but I won't be able to marry you in this church."

"Yeah, that's what we figured you would say," the young couple sighed.
"We're not welcome at The Home Depot store anymore either."

[Donn]

Originally posted by Fruss Tray Ted
A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

That's hilarious, haven't heard it in a decade, thanks FTT--LMAO all over again.
________________________

Dear Friend

Hello, my name is Garcia Vaguea. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion forwards sent to me by people who actually
believe that, if I send them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas...
with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad henchman of the (democrats, republicans, whatever) who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography web site. . .will get 6 bright shiny cents every time you send some complete idiot that letter.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates, BILL GATES!?!... is going to give you and everyone to whom you send "his" email $1000? Where do you get the bravado to think that BILL GATES has the time to take note of us? If you do…try this one also:

If you scroll down this page and make a wish, we'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret or Chip'n'Dales model in the world!

Now, really, I ask you: how smart is that?

So, basically, these chain letters amount a big "UP YOURS AND I HOPE YOUR SEROTONIN LEVELS DROP THROUGH THE FLOOR BEGINNING RIGHT NOW" to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than pass around stupid chain mail forwards.

But then again what do I know?? Maybe the evil chain-letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and brutalize me in my dreams for dropping the first chain letter, which, of course, was started by Jesus’
followers (well, that’s what they called themselves) in 15 A.D., and was brought to this country by wine-swilling, Bible-thumping, land-grabbing misogynist slave-trading midget pilgrims on the Mayflower, and, if it makes it to the year 2000--it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of vain imaginings in the history of human awareness (blonde jokes not included here, of course).

Please, a little frontal lobe carbohydrate metabolism would be a nice addition to your life, don’tcha think? (Oh, sorry, never mind).

Try this: if you're going to forward something, at least send something
mildly amusing, even if it's only crass, obscene, and sincere so we can unload some stress. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a blah blah blah..." that I ever want to see, hear about, or even contemplate the existence of, and guess what?

I REALLY TRUELY DON'T CARE, AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU!!!

Do you realize what you are actually contributing to by sending out these ridiculous chain mail forwards? Chances are it's someone's loneliness, unpopularity, lack of wisdom, and social desperation...

especially yours,

Garcia Vaguea

P.S. and please forward this to at least 50 of your best friends.

[Fruss Tray Ted]

A small Maine town was looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular town hall meeting. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the townspeople sat
fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began
chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch....."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor.

"Crap," said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

[Donn]

Two cannibals are dining on a clown. One of them takes a bite and says:

"Geez, this tastes funny."

[Abbadon]

Originally posted by Donn
Two cannibals are dining on a clown. One of them takes a bite and says:

"Geez, this tastes funny."

:D :D

[Whyzman]

Two cannibals are dining on a marine biologist. One of them takes a bite and says:

"Geez, this tastes fishy."

[Whyzman]

Two cannibals are dining on a minister. One of them takes a bite and says:

"Geez, this tastes divine."

[malcore]

Two cannibals are dining on Hephaestus. One of them takes a bite and says:

"Geez, this tastes gam(m)y."



Two cannibals are dining on Lord Jim. One of them takes a bite and says:

"Geez, this tastes like chicken."



Two cannibals are dining on Perry Como. One of them takes a bite and says:

"Geez, this tastes mellow."

[Whyzman]

Two cannibals are dining on a liberal politician. One of them takes a bite and says:

"Geez, this doesn't taste right!"

[malcore]

Two cannibals are dining on a geek. One of them takes a bite and says:

"BTW IMHO this pWns, LOL"

[Whyzman]

Two cannibals are dining on a romance novelist. One of them takes a bite and says:

"Geez, this tastes really mushy."

[Donn]

Originally posted by malcore
Two cannibals are dining on a geek. One of them takes a bite and says:

"BTW IMHO this pWns, LOL"

pWns??

_____________________________

Two cannibals dining on a statistician, one of them asks:

"What are the odds that this would taste good?"

_________
Two cannibals eating a fireman, one of them says:

"I don't care much for smoked meats"
________________

Two cannibals eating a diesel mechanic, one of them says:

"It's a bit oily wouldn't you say?"

____________________

Two cannibals eating an anorexic patient, one of them says:

"Could we have the main course now?"

[malcore]

Originally posted by Donn
pWns??

pwns (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=pwns)

[classicsoftware]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00


Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to a meager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "may I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the
hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The man replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

[Whyzman]

Two cannibals are dining on a harpist. One of them takes a bite and says:

"Geez, this tastes really stringy."

[pave_spectre]

Two cannibals are dining on a dentist. One of them takes a bite and says:

"Geez, this is filling."

[Whyzman]

Two cannibals are dining on a race car driver. One of them takes a bite and says: "Geez, do you suppose this is what they mean by fast food?"

[pave_spectre]

Two cannibals are dining on a proctologist. One of them takes a bite and says:

Geez this tastes like ****!!

[Whyzman]

:rolleyes: :D

[korky45]

A little bunny rabbit was hopping through the forest when he saw a giraffe rolling a joint. The bunny rabbit said, "Stop - don't do drugs, come and run with me through the forest." The giraffe looked at the bunny, then he threw away the joint and ran off with the bunny.

Later, they saw an elephant snorting cocaine. The bunny said, "Stop - don't do drugs, come and run with us through the forest." The Elephant looked at the bunny and he threw away the razor blade, mirror, and lines, and joined up with the rabbit and giraffe running around the forest.

The three animals then came across a lion about to shoot up. The bunny said to the lion "Stop - don't do drugs, come and run with us through the forest". The lion looked at the rabbit and then at the needle. He put down the needle, grabbed the bunny rabbit by the ears and started to beat him up.

Horrified, the giraffe and elephant cried, "Lion, why are you doing this? He was trying to help you." The lion answered, "This little b.....d makes me run around the forest like a f.....g idiot every time he's on ecstasy!

[david eaton]

Did you hear the one about the vegetarian cannibal?

He only ate swedes!

[Donn]

Pirates


Two pirates are talking. One has a wooden leg, a hook and an eye patch.

First pirate: "How'd you get that wooden leg, mate?"

Second pirate: "Aye, a great big barracuda bit it off. Argh."

First pirate: "How'd you get that metal hook?"
Second pirate: "Lost 'er in a sword fight ... guy cut off me bloody hand. Argh."

First pirate: "How'd you get that eye patch?"

Second pirate: "Well, I was up in the crows nest and I looked up to spy this seagull. The darn thing crapped right in me eye! Argh."
First pirate: "Well, how'd that make you blind?"

Second pirate: "Argh, it was the first day I had me hook!"

[Donn]

Originally posted by david eaton
Did you hear the one about the vegetarian cannibal?

He only ate swedes!

David, the way I have heard that punch line worded is:

"All he ate is Swedes." (Say it quickly...'is weeds')

[PrntRhd]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[Fruss Tray Ted]

Monday
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper

Tuesday
Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head

Wednesday
Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles

Thursday
Advise the President on how to run the country
Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire

Friday
Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge

Saturday
Shoot the bull
Mend the fences
Chew the fat

Sunday
Pick up the pieces.
Pay my dues


What ELSE you want me to do?!

[Donn]

Originally posted by Fruss Tray Ted

Sunday
Pick up the pieces.
Pay my dues

Two cannibals are dining on a truck driver, one says to the other:
"This is steer, isn't it?

[i]What ELSE you want me to do?! [/B]

See the thread 'Blank Windows' and tell me how to fix it.

[halovivek]

yes this are really nice jokes..wow super
what is the difference between biology and scoilogy
if a child likes father it is biology
if it looks likes neighbour it is scoilogy

[Donn]

Two cannibals walk into a fancy restaurant. One of them checks out the waitress and says: "It's time to eat". The other one, looking at the antique grandfather clock, is heard to remark: "It's a little behind, and the legs aren't heavy enough."

[Fruss Tray Ted]

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the ide of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused.. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning.

Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember...

[Donn]

Two cannibals are dining on another cannibal. One of them looks up and says: "...this taste familiar to you?"

[PrntRhd]

A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you."

She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?"

The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."

[Fruss Tray Ted]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

However, one o'clock came and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did so, slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He did.

"Now take off my skirt."

He did.

"Now take off my bra."

Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.

Now," she said, "take off my panties."

He slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot!"

[Donn]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAH:D AHAAAHHAHAHAHAH:D LMAO :p :p :p
THAT'S ABSOLUTELY HIALRIOUS.............

ok, but who ratted you out? :rolleyes:



:cool:

[Fruss Tray Ted]

The comments in (*) are not mine but make the post much funnier except the Snopes comment.
_________________________________

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it.)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet (OMG...!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)

(I'm still not over the pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home - maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....") untrue per Snopes

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life - quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years Longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (Who knew...? Who cares!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about the pig?)

[stefanus]

Great stuff Fruss!:D. "Q" What`s a SNOPE:confused: Or did I miss something. More:confused: :D
Stefanus

[Donn]

Originally posted by stefanus
Great stuff Fruss!:D. "Q" What`s a SNOPE:confused: Or did I miss something. More:confused: :D
Stefanus


http://www.snopes.com

urban legends :p

[Donn]

Two cannibals are eating a historian, one of them is overheard to say:

"if you say 'aged meat' you're history!"

[Fruss Tray Ted]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own @!#$ blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.
_______________________________

Irishman at a Baseball Game

An Irish man went to his first American baseball game. As the first batter made a hit, fans jumped up yelling, "RUN! RUN!"

The Irishman jumped up as well yelling, "Run, laddie! Run laddie!"

The next batter got up and made his hit. The fans again cheered, "RUN! RUN!" The Irishman again jumped up yelling, "Run laddie! Run laddie!"

The third batter got up got ball 1... ball 2... ball 3 ... ball 4. The umpire yelled, "Take your base!" The batter jogged to the base. The Irish man jumped up and yelled, "Run laddie! Run laddie!"

Another fan looked at him and said, "He does not need to run, for he has four balls!"

The Irish man's jaw dropped, and he turned and said, "Walk with pride, lad! Walk with pride!"
_____________________________

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, this being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

[stefanus]

Fruss! You are a Bob Hope ;) Have I blown your cover :D

Stefanus

[Donn]

Two cannibals are dinning on an Irishman. One of them looks up and slyly says to the other: "I don't know about you but I'm feeling lucky tonight."

[PrntRhd]

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks
you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot
understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The
attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3
million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what
you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the
temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him
again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where
it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in
a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell...
..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

[Donn]

:o WARNING OFF-COLORED HUMOR COMMENCES IN THE NEXT PARAGRAPH


THE BANK JOB


A lady walks into a bank with a briefcase. She walks up to the floor manager's desk. He asks if he can help her. She turns the case around and opens it, and shows him nearly $500,000 in C-notes. He looks at the stacks of hundrend dollar bills, and she tells him she'd like to open an account but only if it is done by the president of the bank.

He tells her to follow him and they go to the elevator.

Higher up in the building they arrive at the office of the president of the bank, and the floor manager explains the situation. The bank president says it's no problem and introduces himself to the lady. At which time she tells him:

"I want to open a numbered account here with this money, but there are two conditions. #1 no one is to know of this, no one but us three, #2 so I will be doing business with either of you and no one else."

The bank president beocmes a bit hesitant and he asks the woman:

"You know, there's a lot of illegal cash floaing around these days, what with drugs and all, no offense meant, but, would mind telling me how it is your are carrying around all that cash?"

"No, I wouldn't mind at all," she says, I make this money by making outrageous bets, AND! I always win."

Bets, you say? What kind of bets?"

"I don't describe my work, it takes the fun out of it. But if you like we can make a small wager on something."

"Well, ok ma'am, what bet do you propose?"

"I propose that your testicles will be square by tomorrow at closing time."

The bank president and the floor manager look at each other in amazement, barely containing there want to busrt into hysterical laughter.

The lady takes a small stack of hundreds out of her brief case:

"Here's $10,000. I bet you this $10,000 that your testicles will be square by tomorrow at closing time. The only two conditions--I have to examine them, and a lawyer I bring will witness it, ok?"

Again the two men looked at each other eyes bulging in disbelief.

"Lady," the bank president says, "you have a bet, and I have a private key safe right here where we can keep the $10,000, ok?"

She says ok, and they put the $10,000 in the safe, and he gives her the key. They the discuss the deposit of the remainder of the brief case in a numbered account. He writes her a notarized receipt, and she leaves.

Once she is out of the room the two men burst into amazed and hysterical laughter, the bank president promising to split the 10 grand with the floor manager...only 24 hours to go.

The next day about an hour before closing she enters the bank with a lawyer in-toe holding a briefcase. The floor manager takes them up to the president's office.

The bank president is there, smiling broadly when they enter the room.

"Well, my dear, I can assure you that you are $10,000 poorer, but," and he winks at her, "something tells me it won't dent you."

"That's nice, but if you recall there are conditions..."

Righto, you get to make an examination, and the lawyer gets to witness it, and then I'm $10,000 richer."

The lady takes a rubber glove out of her pocket, and snaps it on, and when she does the lawyer with her gasps, and groans softly, "oh no."

The bank president gladly and proudly drops his pants and his boxershorts, proudly displays his end of the bet....

The lawyer begins to back away from the desk, backs into the wall moaning, "oh no, oh no, how could I, oh no..."

The bank president wants his 10 grand but he is a bit distracted by the lawyer when the lady reaches down to feel the shape of his testicles. The floor manager is non-plused, he just wants his half of the 10 grand, but he is wondering about the lawyer who has now dropped his briefcase, and is slowly but definitely banging his head against the wall...."oh no, oh no, oh no, how could I, how could I...?"

So the bank president asks, "Wha's wrong with him?" And the lady, at that same moment, firmly but gently encircles his testicles with thumb and forefinger and gently tugs him forward against the desk...

"I'll explain shortly, no problem believe me," and just then she gently but firmly pulls him forward so that he has to climb up on his desk on his knees...

"Yesterday at lunch I bet this lawyer " (and she says it with total disdain) $500,000 that I could have the president of this bank by the balls, on his knees, on his desk, and by closing time today, which isn't for another twenty minutes," at which point the lawyer is sitting on the floor against the wall crying, she goes on: "and so with that," and she let's go of the bank president, snaps off the glove and drops it in his wate can, "you have your $10,000, our business is finished for the present time," she walks over and picks up the lawyer's briefcase, checks the money inside it, "and I have my next half-million, and, I bid you all a good day."

She walks out with the briefcase to her next bank job. :cool:

[Fruss Tray Ted]

THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2003:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers


Iraqi Head Seeks Arms


Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?


Prostitutes Appeal to Pope


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over


Teacher Strikes Idle Kids


Miners Refuse to Work after Death


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant


War Dims Hope for Peace


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures


Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges


Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks


Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half


Hospitals Sued by 7 Foot Doctors


And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[PrntRhd]

There was this fisherman that always had a good day fishing.
His friend, the game warden, couldn't figure out how he did
it, so one day the game warden decided to go fishing with
his friend. The fisherman took his friend the warden out
to his favorite spot. Once there, the fisherman took a
stick of dynamite out of his backpack, lit it, and threw
it into the water. The dynamite exploded and a dozen fish
floated to the top. The game warden said, "That's illegal,
you can't do that."The fisherman goes, "Really?" He then
lights another stick of dynamite and throws it into the water.
The dynamite exploded, and a dozen more fish floated to the
top. The game warden said, "Stop that now, and take this
boat back to shore...I'm going to have to give you a citation
and confiscate all your gear." The fisherman said,"Oh, really?"
He then lights another stick of dynamite, throws it into
the game warden's lap, and said "You gonna sit there and
keep flapping your trap, or are you gonna fish?"

[PrntRhd]

The AOL Car

1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.

3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.

4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.

6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.

7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.

8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.

9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.

10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.

11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.

13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.

15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.

17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?

18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.

19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.

20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.

21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

[stefanus]

To add to Fruss Tray Ted`s List

Woman found murdered. Suspect has been charged with man slaughter

(Still do not know what a Snope is)

Stefanus ;)

[Donn]

Originally posted by stefanus




(Still do not know what a Snope is)

Stefanus ;)

AS BEFORE:


www.snopes.com

urban legends website, but I searched for "headless cockroach" and I got 'no match' every way I tried.

[Fruss Tray Ted]

Donn,
You were right. ;)
__________________

'Inflight Service'

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight from Texas.

After the plane was airborne, RMayBerry the Pilot, removed the 'seatbelt sign' and drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda. Which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice!"

[Donn]

http://www.slagoon.com/communication.html

[Fruss Tray Ted]

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.
The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began."They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France."

The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.

"Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave until tomorrow afternoon."
_________________________

One blonde to another: "Do you smoke after sex?"
The other blonde: "I don't know. I never looked."
_________________________


While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the blonde girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."

_____________________________

Subject: best singles ads ever
This has got to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It appeared in The Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.

[Fruss Tray Ted]

Cybersex
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is an actual transcript of an actual cyber sex session. As all of you are well aware, online computers are often used to engage in cyber sex.

Detailed and explicit fantasies are typed into the computer to be instantly transmitted over the internet. Sometimes these harmless fantasies become fairly raunchy. This is not the case with the following transcript of an actual on line cybersex session.

Either this guy is clueless or has the greatest sense of humour known to mankind:

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart, What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing an expensive red silk blouse, a black leather mini skirt and high heeled boots. I am tanned and very buffed. I workout everyday. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3 and about 250lb. I wear glasses and have on a apri of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I'm also wearing an old T-shirt, it's got some barcue sauce stains on it and smells kind of funny.

Sweetheart: I want you...Would you like to make love to me?

Wellhung: Ok..:)

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my nightstand. I look up into your eyes and I'm smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and I begin to feel your huge swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse . My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and I'm sliding it softly off

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off of my warm body. I'm rubbing your bulge faster now, rubbing and pulling

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and tears a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's okay..it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it!! I'm wearing a lacy black bra, my soft breasts are rising and falling as I breathe harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp of your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have scissors.

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly, I reach behind my back and undo the clasp. My bra slides off. The cool air caresses my breasts...

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby, I just want to feel your tongue all over me

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts!.. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: WHAT????

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off of my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking your sopping wet blouse from you and throwing it in the corner of the room.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman! Your hands are cold! Yee!!!!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties

Wellhung: I'm pulling of your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out and nibbling on you. ummm..wait a second...

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you ok?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Is there anything I can do to help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen choking wildly. Looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me lover

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm aching for you lover

Wellhung: Now I'm drying the cup. I'm putting it back in the cabinet and now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait it's dark, I'm lost. Where is the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall

Wellhung: I found it

Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too

Sweetheart: I kiss you passionately. Our naked bodies pressed against each other.

Wellhung: your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts!

Sweetheart: Why dont you take your glasses off?

Wellhung: Ok. but I can't see very well. I'm placing my glasses on the nightstand.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly to the bathroom

Sweetheart: Hurry back lover

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet and lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I just realised i peed in your laundry basket. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bed now. Blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmmmm. yes.. Come on

Wellhung: Now I'm going to put my, you know, think your umm, woman's thing

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, Baby!! Do it!!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. Ma'am I'm having a little problem here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth. i can't wait another second. Slide it in! Screw me!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid

Sweetheart: What??????

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm looking for my glasses to see what the problem is.

Sweetheart: NO!!! Never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear and my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait. I can't find the night table. I'm reaching across the dresser, knocking off cans of hairspray, your picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: Now I've found my glasses. My God!!! One of your candles fell on the curtain! The curtain is on fire. I'm pointing at it with a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off, LOSER!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire!...Nooooooooooooooooo

[Abbadon]

:D :D :D :D :D :D

[Donn]

Two cannibals dining on a pornstar, one of them is heard to say:

"I feel like a movie tonight, you?"

[Whyzman]

Two cannibals were dining on a refrigerator repairman. One of them takes a bit and says, "This has freezer burn!"

[Whyzman]

Two cannibals were dining on a teacher. One takes a bit and says rather testy, "This definitely lessens my opinion of oral exams!"

[Donn]

Two cannibals dining are on a comedy writer, one of them is overheard to ask: "...this taste funny to you?" :D

[Whyzman]

Two cannibals dining on a friend. One takes a bite and says, "Does this bother you?" "Gnaw," responds the other!

[Donn]

Two cannibals dining on a silver engraver, one of them remarks:
"...this is groovey."

[Fruss Tray Ted]

"This definitely 'lessens' my opinion of oral exams!" You don't say!!!

'Lessons'? :confused:

2 Hannibals dining on a brain, "Dinner will be ready in a synapse"...

[Donn]

An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door,
telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here--muh house is on fahr!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"

******

Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more?
Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.

************

Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Georgia to 32?
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

[Whyzman]

Originally posted by Fruss Tray Ted
'Lessons'? :confused:Hehe...nice catch Fruss! Did you also catch the 'testy' part?? :p

[Whyzman]

Two cannibals were dining on a huge Star Wars character. One takes a bite and turns to the other and asks, "Is this really chewy or what?"

[Whyzman]

Two cannibals were dining on a prophylactic salesman. One takes a bite and turns to the other and says, "This is really rubbery!"

[Donn]

Originally posted by Whyzman
Two cannibals were dining on a huge Star Wars character. One takes a bite and turns to the other and asks, "Is this really chewy or what?"
Whew! Nice one! :p



Two cannibals dining on astronaut. One of them is overheard to say:
"This is good if you have the right stuff with it."

[Fruss Tray Ted]

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
_____________________________

There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.
85% of women think their a$$ is too big.

10% of women think their a$$ is too little.

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway...
____________________________

This apparently really happened on the local news in Michigan...
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....

They had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
____________________________

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked if it was dead or alive.

"Dead," she was informed.

"How do you know?", she asked.

"Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," said the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went ''pssst'' and he didn't move."

[Whyzman]

This apparently really happened on the local news in Michigan...Oh my, you could see where that could easily have happened! :eek: :D

[PrntRhd]

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

[Whyzman]

Two cannibals were dining on a chef. One said to the other, "Isn't there something inappropriate about biting the hand that feeds you!?"

[Fruss Tray Ted]

A man calls in to work. "Boss, I'm sick. I'm going to be late this morning."

The boss say, "Johnson, that's the third time this week! You're a good worker, and I don't want to fire you, but this can't continue. Are you having some sort of personal problem? Is it drinking?"

"No boss, it's my sister. She always has these fights with her husband, and she comes over to my house to cry on my shoulder and have someone to talk to, and then one thing leads to another and we end up having sex all night. I'm just not getting enough sleep to make it into work in the morning--"

The boss interjects, stunned: "Wait! You have sex with your sister???"

"I told you I was sick, didn't I?"
________________________________

Did you hear about the two queer judges who tried each other?
________________________________

An extremely intelligent baby was able to speak minutes after being born.

"Are you my doctor?" he asked. The doctor affirmed this, and the baby responded, "I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your delivering me and assisting my mother."

The baby then looked at his mother "Are you my mother?" he asked, and his mother affirmed this. "I wanted you to know how much I appreciate your carrying me for the past nine months and providing me with all the nutrients and care I need."

The baby then looked over to the man seated in a chair nearby "Are you my father?" he asked, and his father affirmed this. The baby then poked his father repeatedly on the forehead. "I wanted you to know that THIS HURTS!"

[PrntRhd]

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate.

He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

[akif]

Couldn't get the second joke of Frus

[PrntRhd]

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. He proclaimed, "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter."

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother- in-law."

[Donn]

Originally posted by akif
Couldn't get the second joke of Frus

Well, let's just say neither of the two judges had any trouble "grasping it."


:rolleyes:



:cool:

[pave_spectre]

The well known fact that all horses have an infinite number of legs is based on the logically proven fact that all horses are the same color:


Lemma I: All horses are the same color

Proof by induction.

Base case: 1 horse is clearly the same color as itself

Assume all sets of n horses are the same color

Take a collection of n horses, they must be of the same color. Add another horse and take away a different one. Here we have a different set of n horses all of which are the same color. Thus the n+1 horses must be of the same color.

All horses are the same color by induction.

Continuing, we can then show that all horses have an infinite number of legs. Clearly horses have an even number of legs (4), but they have forelegs in front and two legs in back which makes six legs. This is an odd number of legs for a horse to have. The only number that is both odd and even is infinity. Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.

To add weight to this argument we ponder whether a horse with a finite number of legs could exist. Clearly this would be a horse of a different color, but those don't exist!

[Abbadon]

Reminds me of the "proof" that girls are evil:

Girls cost time and money

and

time = money

therefore

Girls cost money and money

or

Girls = money²


and we know that money is the root of all evil

therefore

girls = (root/evil)²

or

girls = evil


or something to that effect :p

(feel free to replace "girls" by "users" if you're in a tech-support job)

[Donn]

Originally posted by pave_spectre
(snipped)
To add weight to this argument we ponder whether a horse with a finite number of legs could exist. Clearly this would be a horse of a different color, but those don't exist!


To which I say: "Nay, sir, and shoe those horses away!" :D

[Donn]

Originally posted by Abbadon
Reminds me of the "proof" that girls are evil:

Girls cost time and money

and

time = money

therefore

Girls cost money and money

or

Girls = money²





Sorry-- money AND money is addition, not exponentiality...money squared is money TIMES itself, not money added to itself. :(



:cool:

[Abbadon]

:o

I keep telling my colleagues not to let me touch a computer before I had my coffee. :p

the initial statement should probably be:

"Girls = time*money"


See! I patched it in under a day! Let's see MS do that! :D

[Sylvander]

Multiplication and powers are both a higher forms of addition.

e.g.

3x2 = 6 = (2+2+2) = (3+3)

6-squared = 36 = 6x6 = 6+6+6+6+6+6 = (2+2+2)+(2+2+2)+(2+2+2)+(2+2+2)+(2+2+2)+(2+2+2) :D

Hence 6-squared is a much shorter way of specifying a number than writing down on a page, 18 two's added together, or 6 sixes, or 12 three's.

[pave_spectre]

When did this change from Jokes to Math? :confused:

[Abbadon]

Math has been a joke to me for most of my life, specificly the grades I got for it in school were hilarious (if you weren't me that is)

[Sylvander]

I just couldn't resist responding to:

"money AND money is addition, not exponentiality...money squared is money TIMES itself, not money added to itself."
I wanted to show that money squared IS money added.

A hero of mine [Robert Burns] was assassinated [I believe] in 1793, because he wouldn't stay on the beaten track.

He said:
"Spunkies' wanderings could not copied be.
Amidst these perils none durst walk but he."

A "spunkie" is a marsh spirit.
Actually the ignition [or "Ignis Fatuus"] of marsh gas.
Something that gives off light.
[And by so doing attracts, and leads others to their death in the bog?]

[jabarnutcase]

I wanted to show that money squared IS money added. darn tootin' it is!

If anyone feels like squaring a hundred Dollar Bill for me, I take what it ADDS up to in a heart beat.....and that's no joke. :p

(Oops...Sorry, I forgot it should be a joke in this thread) :rolleyes: :D

[Donn]

Originally posted by Sylvander
I just couldn't resist responding to:

"money AND money is addition, not exponentiality...money squared is money TIMES itself, not money added to itself."
I wanted to show that money squared IS money added.




Oh but this is hilarious: $10.00 + $10.00 = $10.00 X $10.00, nah, c'mon, try this:

Why is it so dangerous for a blonde to become a brunette?

Because the surgery to have a brain implanted isn't perfected yet. :p

[Sylvander]

What I showed is that:

10-squared = 10 x 10 = 10+10+10+10+10+10+10+10+10+10 = 100 ;)

Hence a value squared can equal values multiplied and values added.

Multiplication is a higher form of addition.
Exponents are a higher form of multiplication.
Therefore exponentials are a higher form of addition.

[jabarnutcase]

Originally posted by Donn
Sorry-- money AND money is addition, not exponentiality...money squared is money TIMES itself, not money added to itself.


Sorry Don, but Sylvander's evidence is overwhelming. I'm afraid you'll have to admit you were wrong and apologize to Abbadon before you are allowed to move on. ;)

Ha ha...Just joking! :D (Well, only about some of it......No question that Sylvander is absolutely correct).

Don't let it bother you, that's just the way it goes sometimes.
Heck, I was wrong once myself....I think it was back in the 60's. :p :cool:

[Fruss Tray Ted]

Back in the sixties huh? That must be where/when you lost count! Now if you'd have had Sylvander's math lesson back then... it might be more like 60³ by now!!! :D

[jabarnutcase]

Yep, I think it was from being "cubed" in the 60's that made me lose count. :p :D

[Fruss Tray Ted]

Back then it was much better than being 'a-squared'!

[Donn]

Originally posted by Abbadon


therefore

Girls cost money and money

or

Girls = money²




Sorry, I'm sticking to my guns: money and money does not equal money squared, although I'll grant you I mispoke, and should have said exponentiality is a short cut for eqivalent addition, but that is not the above case the way it is written.


Two cannibals are about to dine on a math professor, one of them is overheard to say: "Let's do this by the numbers..."

[jabarnutcase]

Well, you could also interpret it as: Girls cost Money and Money...(and Money and Money and Money).
In other words, they cost LOTS of money!)
And a LOT of Money squared ADDS UP to a WHOLE LOT of Money! :p

Oh, and Fruss- Since we're in the "jokes" thread, maybe the 60's were just a big joke? Maybe none of it really happened? :confused:

Seems to me I may have more information on this written down on my old Blotter somewhere.
For now though, I think I'll just stare out my Window pane and try to remember.

I'm sorry, I just can't remember.
What the heck were we talking about anyway???
Oh yes! Jokes, Squares and Cubes! :p

[Donn]

Two cannibals dining on a hippie, one of them remarks: "You think we'll get the munchies from the munchies?" :p

:rolleyes:


:cool:

[Fruss Tray Ted]

Donn,
In only one dollar amount can the theory work but only once is proof that Sylvander isn't entirely wrong.

Let's substitute money for x. Therefore as stated:
Girls = x + x
As stated also:
Girls = x²
So let's see if the theory works and solve for x.
Girls = x + x = x²
x x x = x + x
Since there is no constant point to begin with, we'll need to substitute trial and error to get an answer.
1 + 1 = x²? No. 1x1=1
2 + 2 = x²? Yes. 2x2=4, so does 2+2=4
3 + 3 = x²? No. 3x3=9

What does this all prove? Only one thing...:

[Budfred]

In a thread in which logic plays essentially no useful role, it is quite humorous to see several of you obsessing over the logic of an illogical math equation.....:D :D :D

[Sylvander]

But isn't logic one of the main foundations of humour?

Without logic and illogic there can be no humour.

Eh, let's try to think of an example. :confused:

In the Scottish vernacular:

"As I was comin' doon the stair.
I met a man who wisnae thair.
He wisnae thair again th' day.
I wish the heck he go away!"

This introduces the mathematical concept of zero.
A number which didn't exist until the Phoenicians introduced it.
So "The man who isnae thair." is a zero entity. A thing of non-existence. But how can non-existence exist? Now you're into logic and philosophy.

Used by the Beatles in:

"He's a real nowhere man.
Sitting in his nowhere land.
Making all his nowhere plans,
for nobody.

He doesn't have a point of view.
Knows not where he's going to.
Isn't he a bit like you,
and me?"

"Now they know how many [arse]holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall.
[I'd love to turn you on.]"

[Donn]

Yeah, well maybe, but then again there's that story about Rene Descartes ("I think, therefore I am!") who, while sitting at a cafe table, was asked by the waiter if he wanted more tea, and he responded "I don't think so,"

and then vanished into thin air....


Two cannibals dining on a blind logician, one of them is saying:
"I can't see the logic in eating like this."

[Fruss Tray Ted]

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!

[Fruss Tray Ted]

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the doc's arm, "No way! I hate needles, I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "Okay, so we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "Absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas. Just go for it and I'll hang on..."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a pill and a glass of water, "Here", he says. "Take this pill."

The man asks, "What is it?"

The doc replies, "Viagra."

The man looks surprised and asks, "I know what that's for, why are you giving me that?"

"Well," replies the dentist, "When I pull that tooth you're going to have to hang on to something!"

[Donn]

Two cannibals dining one a viagra user, one of them looks up and says:
"This meat's kind of tough, wouldn't you say"

[Vic 970]

a woman was visiting her elderley father in a EPH, and later staff came with cocoa and a pill, the woman took staff member to one side and asked "what's the pill, father is not on medication that I am aware."
staff replied, "oh, it's viagra."
somewhat stunned the daughter asked, "whatever for? ."

staff replied, "the cocoa is for a good nights sleep, and the viagra stps him from falling out of bed."

[Donn]

There was this duck hunter who couold never get ducks. He'd go out morning after moring but he couldn't shoot a duck. His duck blind was next to a farmer's field, and on the fence was a bog sing thatread, "NO DUCK HUNTERS ALLOWED" He had to sit and look at the sign all day.

Finally, on the last day of the hunting season a flock of ducks came his way and he jumped up and started shooting. He shot all his ammunition, but all that fell out of the sky was one lowly duck. It fell and it fell and it glided down and landed just on the other side of the farmer's fens, and sign, just out of the hunter's reach.

The hunter looked at the duck, and looked at the sign. He looked at the duck, and he looked at the sign. What he didn't notice was the farmer, who was responding to all the shooting, hiding behind some bushes watching him.

The hunter jumped over the fence and was about to claim his prize when the farmer stepped out from behind the bushes and cleared his throat loudly. The hunter looked up and saw the farmer, a very old and bent over man, and said, "I was just getting my duck."

The farmer in an old man's raspy voice said, "Sorry, it's on my land-- it's my duck. "

The hunter said, "You don't understand, it fell after I shot it, therefore it's my duck."

The farmer said, "You don't understand, it's on my property, therefore--it's my duck. But, since you're a sportin' man, let's settle this with a little competition, shall we?"

The hunter said, "What've you got in mind?"

The farmer said, "It's a lot like life, it called 'last man standing.' We flip a coin, winner goes first, and kicks the other fellow in the crotch as hard as he can. The the loser kicks the winner...and whoever is left standing... wins the duck?"

The farmer reaches in his pocket and fishes around for a coin and pulls one out: "Tails I win, heads you win?"

The hunter looks at the bent over wrinkled old guy and says, "Okay," and the farmer flips the coin.

It comes up tails. The hunter groans and prepares to take his medicine as the old geezer hobbles over to the hunter. With a surprising lightning quick move he kicks the hunter in the crotch.

The hunter goes right to the moon, ricochets off the moon and goes straight to hell. The pain is unimaginable, the pain is enormous, the pain is mind-warping, reality warping, and the hunter is on the ground gasping for air, sweating liquid rocks, determined to hold on to his consciousness, determined to win his one and only duck for the season.....he gasps and throws himself up on to his feet, and stares the old man in the face.

With a deep and almost equally agonizing gutteral laugh he tells the craggy-faced bewiskered octogenarian: "I beleive it's my turn, and believe you're holding my duck."

The farmer says: "Oh, hell, if you want it that bad, here take it," and he throws it to the hunter and hobbles off....

[Fruss Tray Ted]

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office and while there the Doctor asked for a sperm count. He gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this -

First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we just couldn't get the darn jar open."

[Donn]

Two cannibals dining on a UPS driver. One of them was heard to remark:
"Why didn't we think of this free delivery service sooner?"

[pave_spectre]

The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
"Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door, suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this one and I'll go rustle us up another!"

[Sylvander]

I have no doubt all of you will do well on this. Right?
[Highlight the "invisible" text beside "Answer:" to see it more clearly]

Subject: The Weakest Link ????


Are you the weakest link? Four questions follow.Answer them instantly,
you can't take your time.Answer all of them immediately. Find out how
clever you are.

Ready? Go...........

First question:

You are in a race. You pass the second person. What position are you
in?




Answer: if you answered that you are first,you are wrong. If You
overtake
the second person and take his place, you are second.


Try not to screw up the second question.



Second question: if you overtake the last person then you are....?




If you answered second to last, you are wrong. How can you Overtake
the
last person?




You are not very good at this are you?




Third question: Very tricky math, it MUST be done in your head. No
pencils or calculators. Try it.


Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add
another1000. Now add 20. Add another 1000. Now add 10 . What is The
answer??




Scroll down.



Did you get 5000? The correct answer is 4100. Dont believe it? Check
with
your calculator. Today is not yourday.



Maybe you will get the last question....



Mary's father has 5 daughters:
1. Nana.
2. Nene.
3. Nini.
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter.?



Answer Nunu? Of course not. The name is Mary. Read the question again.




Send it on to frustate other "smart" people you know.



"Work like you don't need the money,

Love like you've never been hurt,and

Dance as if no one is watching."


------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Fruss Tray Ted]

<input type="invisible" value="I'll pretend to see it">

[Donn]

Why does it take a brunette to tell a blonde that she is dumb?

Can you imagine two blondes trying to comprehend each other as dumb?

[Whyzman]

Two cannibals were dining on a record producer. One of them takes a bite a remarks to the other, "I know we've gone around and around regarding this before, but I still say these types today are really seedy characters... :rolleyes:

[Donn]

What did the blonde say after her first sexual encounter?

So, like, are all you guys on the same team?

[Donn]

15 reasons why you might be a redneck:


1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

3. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

4. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.

5. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

6. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

10. Your grandmother has Ammo on her Christmas list.

11. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

12. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

13. You have used a rag for a gas cap.

14. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

15. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

[Whyzman]

Two cannibals were dining on Karate Kid. One of them took a bit and exclaimed, "This sure has some real kick to it!"

[Donn]

This is supposedly a true letter:

>
>Why Southerners make good Marines
>
>Dear Pa & Ma,
>
>Am well, Hope you are to. Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer the Marine
>Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up
>quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first
>because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I
>like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is
>smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch,
>mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
>
>The men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is
>strong on trimmings. Like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
>etc...,
>but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie,
>and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between
>two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours
>holds
>you till noon, when you get fed again.
>
>It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.. We go on "route"
>marches with the Platoon Sergeant who says they're long walks to harden
>us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route
>march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get
>sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country
>is
>nice, but awful flat.
>
>The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like
>the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around & frown. They
>don't bother you none.
>
>This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals
>for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a
>chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett
>boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.
>You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
>
>Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get
>onto this setup & come stampeding in.
>
>Your loving daughter,
>Gail
>

[PrntRhd]

One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

[PrntRhd]

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?

"No, this is 223-1375."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

[PrntRhd]

ADULT THEME

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. The woman enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse, Alone!'

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears looks him square in the eyes and says, 'Listen carefully, for the last time, I said ........BRING POSSE!'

[Donn]

>I can only please one person per day. Today is not
>your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
>
>I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing
>sound they make as they go flying by.
>
>Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get
>along without it.
>
>Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some
days
>the statue.
>
>Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they
>aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be
>needing them again.
>
>I don't have an attitude problem, you have a
perception problem.
>
>Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in
the
>sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the
>ceiling?
>
>My reality check bounced.
>
>On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on
the
>escape key.
>
>I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
>
>You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding
>through peanut butter.
>
>Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you
>are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
>
>Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
>
>Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to
>their level then beat you with experience.
>
>A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a
>kick in the butt.
>

[PrntRhd]

Microsoft Tester Dies Tragically At Hands Of 'Pal'

REDMOND, Wa - The Microsoft Redmond Campus was rocked by tragedy today as Paul Fitzgerald, Test Engineer on the Windows NT Team, was brutally murdered in an apparently psychotic tirade by one of the "personalities" of Microsoft's latest operating system shell program, Bob. In the small hours of this morning, Java, the "friendly" coffee-drinking dinosaur, burst from the screen of Fitzgerald's computer, cutting a swath of destruction throughout the hapless worker's office and into the accompanying hallway.

The beast was quickly subdued by Microsoft Campus Security upon failing to produce a valid Microsoft keycard, avoiding what could otherwise have been a tragedy of much greater proportions. He is currently undergoing psychiatric evaluation at the Washington Institute for Perfectly Valid Lifeforms Who in the Heat of the Moment Do Some Absolutely Naughty Things. Says Lars Opstad, chief spiritual healer and concert pianist, "It's touch and go right now. I don't think Java yet realizes the immensity of what he's done."

`Eyewitnesses say that they could hear the stegosaur-like computer guide screaming "All I wanted was a GOOD espresso" in those terrible moments before dawn. Said Rover Retriever, another Bob personality, "This is just terrible. Java was always such a great guy. Sure, he was a little high strung, but I can't believe he would do something like this. I think we need to seriously re-examine the stress that the Bob Personality group is under so that another such incident doesn't occur."

A possible precipitant to the incident could be Java's recent attempt to quit smoking as a result of a clause in his contract. Lawyers are examining whether this constitutes a violation of discriminatory hiring statutes on Microsoft's part. Microsoft Legal could not be reached for comment, but an undisclosed source asserted "We couldn't have him puffing away like that. He's a dinosaur, not a dragon. It would confuse the market."

Coroner's reports say Fitzgerald died instantly of cardiac arrest, but are unclear on whether this was a result of the vicious attack or the fact that Bob installed successfully on NT.

[123456]

There was an old man walking to the White House. he asks the guard, "May I speak to President Clinton?"
"Sir, Mr.Clinton is no longer president!" replies the guard.
"What?"
"Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer President!"
"Say again?"
"Sir! MR. CLINTON IS NO LONGER PRESIDENT!"
"One more time, real LOUD!"
(By now, the guard is angry and yells). "SIR! MR. CLINTON IS NO LONGER PRESIDENT! DO YOU NEED NEW BATTERIES FOR YOUR HEARING AID?"
"Don't wear one, sonny. I just enjoy hearing it."
(Guard smiles)

[Donn]

ADULT THEME

The Three Terrible Chinese Tortures....
>
>
>There was a young man traveling through the countryside who lost his
>way. As
>night fell he became cold and hungry so he looked around for a farm
>house
>to ask for help.
>
>He came upon an isolated farm house and he knocked at the door. A
>stunningly
>beautiful young nubile Chinese girl came to the door and smiled and
>greeted
>him like a long lost brother. She invited him in and asked him what
>he was
>doing; he explained his situation.
>
>The Chinese girl immediately fixed him the best dinner he had ever
>eaten,
>and afterwards, as he was wondering if he should look forward to
>some amorous conversation, suddenly the back door opened and an
>older
>Chinese man came into the house.
>
>He immediately began to rebuke the young girl for inviting a
>stranger into
>the house while he was away, and sent her to her room.
>
>He came over to the stranger and said "I understand your
>predicament, but
>you should not think anymore about my daughter, and if you promise
>me that,
>and promise not to try to seduce her--I will help you."
>
>The young man agreed and the farmer showed him to his room, and said
>he
>would take him to town in the morning. However, as the farmer was
>leaving
>the room he issued this warning: "if you have any contact with my
>virgin
>virtuous daughter, then, The Three Terrible Chinese Tortures will
>come upon
>you.
>
>Well, the man thought about that, but later that night his longing
>for the
>girl overtook him, and he went to her room. To his surprise she
>silently
>welcomed him, and they quietly got to know each other as intimately
>as two
>people can; she was apparently very lonely, and she had not been at
>all
>virtuous or virginal.
>
>In the morning he woke up in his own room--which was a surprise--but
>even
>more so was the presence of a one-hundred pound rock on his chest
>that was
>crushing the life out of him. He looked at it and on the front of it
>was
>carved the words: 'The First Terrible Chinese Torture'. So, he got
>out of
>bed and carried the rock over to the open window to throw it out,
>but as he
>did he noticed fishing line hanging out of his pant
>leg, which puzzled him, but he had to get rid of the rock.
>
>When he got to the window he heaved it, but as he did he saw on the
>back of
>it the words: Second Terrible Chinese Torture--rock tied to right
>testicle'...so he thought he better jump out the window with the
>rock and
>make his getaway, but as he did he saw a sign below in the grass
>said: 'The
>Third Terrible Chinese Torture--left testicle tied
>to bedpost.'
>

:( :p :D

[Whyzman]

Hehe...I just noticed that the Google ads at the top of the page were tracking with a Lone Ranger theme! :D

Two Cannibals decided to take the plunge and add a little variety to their diet with some chicken. They both took a bite turned to each other and in unison said, "It tastes just like humans!" :p

[PrntRhd]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said

"Look friend, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[Donn]

Euro-English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, and as per Germany's requests, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' vil be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to oza kombinations of letas.

After ziz fifz yer ve vil have a rali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu anderstand ech oza. Ze drem of an united urop vil finali kum tru! :eek:

:rolleyes:

:p

[david eaton]

A further directive, from the same source, means that the UK will now join with all other EU countries, and change over to driving on the right.

The change will be made in stages, with Heavy goods vehicles changing on the 1st Sept 2004, buses on 1st Oct 2004, and cars and light vans on 1st November 2004!

[Donn]

...and the surviving bicyclists and motorcyclists in May 2005 after their discharge from hospital. . . :eek:

[PrntRhd]

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says to them, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees."

The cannibals promised they would not trouble anyone. Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our cleaners has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals claimed that they had no knowledge at all, of the missing cleaner.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals demands, "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals snaps, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, but you had to go and eat the cleaner!"

[PrntRhd]

Somewhat Adult theme:

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead.

The guy says "OK," and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.

Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it.

He returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise.

The guy says, "OK," and goes back to the drug store and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if having sex makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?"

[Donn]

A guy walks into a bar and starts to drinking. he has a canvass sack with him. After a few hours he is really drunk and the bar tender tells him it's time to close, one more drink and that's it.

So the drunk pulls this large chunk of asphalt out of the sack, and says:

Ok, one more for me, and" (motioning to the asphalt), "how 'bout one for the road?"

[Abbadon]

Father Murphy goes into a local bar in Dublin and approaches the first man he sees. "Do you want to go to Heaven?" he asks.

The man says, "Indeed I do, Father."

"Then for God's sake," commands the priest, "leave this pub right now."

He then goes to the next man, "Do you want to go to Heaven, my son?"

And the man answers, "Yes Father, indeed I want to do that very thing."

"Then ye must get out of this pub right now!" orders the priest.

Father Murphy continues this throughout the pub until he gets to the last man. "Do you want to go to Heaven, man?" exhorts the priest.

The man looks at his half-full beer, turns to look at Father Murphy, and says, "No, I don't, Father."

"You mean to tell me, young man, that when you die, you don't want to go to Heaven?" asks the priest incredulously.

"Oh, well, when I die, yes Father, I certainly do. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now!"

[Donn]

Conversation overheard between two cows in a barn:

"I'm getting artifically inseminated"

"C'mon, really?"

"Yeah, no bull..."

[PrntRhd]

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch! "

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

[Sylvander]

Dear Billy Joe Bob,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so
I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried
to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned.
We had him cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

Your Favorite Aunt

[akif]

When the Titanic was sinking Ben asked Tom "how far is land?"

Tom replied "2 km"

Ben jumped into the sea and asked which direction

Tom replied "down"

[Sylvander]

Pilots and Control Towers

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots
and control towers around the world.
================================================== ==
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
================================================== ==========
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"
================================================== ====
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
bloody bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bloody bored, not bloody stupid!"
================================================== ==========
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.

While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What
was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
================================================== ==========
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long
roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the
end of the runway, if you are able.

If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101,
make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
================================================== ==========
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority
landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit
peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two,
behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine
approach."
================================================== ==========
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around
and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly,
was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"
explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new
pilot."
================================================== ==========
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard
the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start
clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in
English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane,
in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."
================================================== ==========
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end
of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
================================================== =======
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled
out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and
said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back
with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like
yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
================================================== ==========
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to
the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you
not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, --
And I didn't land."
================================================== ==========
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air
flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to
nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to
turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C
and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever
to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you
to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour,
and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how
I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell
terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted
to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of
mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely
running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[stefanus]

A certain flight was in bound from Johhanesburg to London when the captain made an annoucement.Ladies and Gentlemen we are having a slight problem with our No1 Engine and I am going to shut it down. Don`t worry he quickly added three engines are quite safe with this aircraft, but we will arrive in London one hour late. Five minutes later the captain informed the passengers that they where experiencing problems withe No2 engine but said it we will now be two hours late but not to worry.Thirty minutes later he informed the passengers that the No3 engine had a problem and would mean arriving in London three hours late. Van Der Merwe pipes up and says. Lets hope the other engine doesn`t give up or we will be up here all bloody night ;) :D I think so

Stefanus

[stefanus]

Sylvander! may I copy your jokes. A few friends of mine will get a big chuckle out of them :)

stefanus

[Sylvander]

I no more own those jokes than I own the air we breath stefanus. :)

So copy them just as freely as you would breath. :D

[stefanus]

One cannot be to sure, but thanx ;) :D
Stefanus

[Whyzman]

Any of the extemely humerous cannibal jokes posted by me are my personal material. If you want to refer to them be my guest...however, If you make any money using them I'd like to get a cut of the action! :D

I'm sure Donn would probably agree with my proposed deal...as he has some pretty outstanding cannibal funnies also...;)

[Donn]

Yep, I wrote every single one of those cannibal jokes that I posted on this site; they are mine, please do not reprint them without my permission, which I am not granting by this post, although I sure wish I had written the one about the "large star wars character" -- that was a really great groaner. :p


:cool:

[PrntRhd]

In memorium to the late Rodney Dangerfield:

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

May You Rest in Peace

[Fruss Tray Ted]

I get no respect at all, I tell ya, none at all. Well to explain, I went to see my proctologist the other day. He stuck his finger in my mouth! I get no respect at all I tell ya...

RIP

[Donn]

I get no respect at all I tell ya... my mother in law tells me she about to take the best trip she ever had. I said oh yeah, where you going? She said: I'm taking you to your dentist appointment.

I tell ya-- get no respect, no respect at all.

Thanks, Rodney. . . .

[PrntRhd]

I get no respect at all, I tell ya,
my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

[stefanus]

When can you tell a woman is telling lies. Her lips move :cool:

Stefanus

[Fruss Tray Ted]

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day and he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he dun seen a snake wif a big frog in his mouf.

He know'd dat dem big bass fish like dem frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie. Dat snake, he be a cotton mouf water moccasin. So'e had to be real careful or he'd be git bit.

He snuk up behin' dat snake and grabbed him roun' de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squerm'd and wrap hisself roun' Boudreaux's arm try'n to git hisself free. But Boudreaux, him had a real good grip on his haid, yeh. (And of course, a plan..)

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got da frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib over-hauls and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snake's mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp.

Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin'.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin' tappin' on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dare wuz dat water moccasin wif two more frogs.

[stefanus]

This is for for "Grayson" ;)

Check these out. If they have been posted previously toughies. :D

Stefanus

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
still on my desk... sorry ....
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not
Bill Gates damn it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it
says

'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in
front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: No.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's
happening...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on
my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you
please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than
4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle
around it?

[pave_spectre]

Those ones reminded me I hadn't been to Computer stupidities (http://rinkworks.com/stupid/) in a while. :eek:

[stefanus]

Two guys where in the bush on a hunting trip. One day Joe was bitten by an unknown snake on his manhood and screamed out to Mike for help. Mike ran across to Joe and saw he was in terrible pain .Joe said I have been bitten by a snake,Mike asked what type, Joe replied I do not know. Mike called up an Emergency Hospital call sign and explained the situation. The duty Medic said, give him plenty of water and keep him cool and call back if the situation gets worse and a chopper is on its way to cassavac Joe out but do not inject any anti snake bite medication, and tell him he is going to be okay. Mike told Joe what the Medic said. A few minuets later Joe shouted to Mike and said My head and legs are freezing, help me. Mike reported to the hospital and they said to wrap Joe in blankets and report any swelling that might occur and tell him help is on the way and tell him he is going to be okay.Ten minutes later Joe was really in agony and shouted for Mike and said to him. Look where the snake has bitten me, it is swelling up rapidly and I cant take the pain. Mike reported this to the medic and the medic replied saying that he must immediately apply hot fomentations to the affected part of Joe`s body and try to suck the poison out, Mike said Okay. Joe shouted, Mike, what did the Medic say, and Mike replied. He is very sorry but you are going to die

Stefanus

[PrntRhd]

What's in a name?

The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not
just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works in the
Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not
permitted to answer the telephone while she is at work,
however. It simply caused too much confusion when she would
answer the phone and say:

"Picabo, ICU"

[classicsoftware]

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.

The druggist asks, "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

The lady says, "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the druggist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife. She then shows the photo to the druggist.

He looks at the photo and says, "Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"

[classicsoftware]

A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

[classicsoftware]

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, riding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower I think about women. When I watch TV I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

[classicsoftware]

Subject: TODAY'S LITTLE AXIOMS


1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

12. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.

15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

17. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?

19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
> > >
>

[classicsoftware]

>>Subject: Technical support

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the
helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the
WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have
a
little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."

"....... Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your
computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's
dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
the
window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too ****ing stupid to own a computer."