JOKES

[classicsoftware]

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting
for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather miniskirt with matching
tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn
to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and
with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her
skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her
leg. Again she tried to take the step onto the bus only to discover she
still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the
step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because
of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again
unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable
to make the step. About this time, the big Texan that was behind her in the
line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step
of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero
screeching at him: "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you
are!" At this, the Texan drawled: "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with
you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were

[PrntRhd]

we were what? curious mind wonder.

[Sylvander]

WARNING!
THESE JOKES MAY CAUSE YOU TO HAVE IMPURE THOUGHTS. :D

My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*ck1ng red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

My husband came home with a tube of KY j3lly and said, "This will make
you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour.

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you've succeeded.

He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'.
She said 'That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave you?'.
She said 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat b*st*rd.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

[PrntRhd]

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one
night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor
asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit
suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my
chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these
breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just
paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not
shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going
to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear
before I pulled the trigger."

[Nicolasol]

A girl called Hura, a VIP, but never let herself seen by lots of people. A cowboy called Butuloo flew in to look for this dream cowgirl. But he misunderstood this cowgirl with the other cowgirl called Rahu. He thought that Rahu was Hura- his dream lover. So how the end will be ? Do you think that Hura should call and tell Butuloo about that, she knows exactly who is who already ? It is shameful of her to do such a stupid thing. Rahu and Hura are both good too, who will that cowboy choose then ? How can he find out who his dream lover is ?

--Showtime and Trailers can be posted more if needed..

[PrntRhd]

Warning: cannibalism!



At the crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone.

As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of there bones, he noticed the rescue team.

"Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades.

The survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

[stefanus]

Nicolasol! I am sorry ,I know I am slow but I do not get the punch line. :o

[Sylvander]

Today’s kids, tomorrow’s teachers! Oh dear.

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examinations in
Swindon, England. These are genuine responses (from 16 year olds).

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water
tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an
election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.


Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,
A, E,O U, and I.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like
umbrellas.

English

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sheikh wears on his head

[Sylvander]

A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid.

"Certainly Sir" says Gervaise the waiter. "Would you like to choose your
squid from this tank?"

"I'll have that little green one with the moustache" says the customer.

"Oh no!" replies Gervaise. "He's my favourite! He's so small, cute and
friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger meatier ones?"

"No," says the customer. "It's got to be that one."

So Gervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping
block, raises his knife and... the little squid looks up and smiles at him,
twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin.

"It's no good," says Gervaise. "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who
does the washing up. He's a big tough brute, he'll be able to do the evil
deed."

So out comes Hans, while Gervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the
knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and ... once again the
little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and
twitching his little moustache.

So Hans too finds it impossible to kill him. So the moral of the story is...






"Hans that do dishes is as soft as Gervaise with mild green hairy lip squid."

[Donn]

Sorry, Syl, can you clarify that for me, what is the real phrase it mimics?

[Sylvander]

Right, I knew there would be people out there who hadn't seen the original advertisement, but I didn't want to spoil the punch-line.

The original advert has a sweet family scene in the kitchen.
It features mum [and or children] with soft, smooth skin of face and hands.
The "Fairy Liquid" [detergent] used for washing the dishes is so "kind to hands" that the skin of her hands is as smooth as...
Her baby's bottom?
Her face?

The jingle goes...

"Hands that do dishes can feel soft as your face...

With mild, green, "Fairy Liquid"..." :)

[stefanus]

Ho :D Ho :D Ho :D Obviously the add is not on US TV. :D :D :cool: I like it. ;)

[Donn]

Hey Syl: that is funny :) :D :p , quite creative too. Did you ever listen to the "My Word" radio program from the BBC? We used to get it here as replay every sunday. I have hours of it on tape. They had a lot of supposed word or phrase origins like that that were absolutely groaningly hilarious. I love puns and alliteration.

:cool:

[Sylvander]

"Did you ever listen to the "My Word" radio program from the BBC?"
Don't know that one.
One of my favourite TV programs is "Call my bluff".
On this there are 3 people in each of 2 teams.
In turn, each of the persons from one team gives an explanation of the meaning of a very obscure word which is either true or a very subtle lie.
Then a member of the other team has to decide which is true or false.
Whilst doing this the members must be humorous or interesting.
The persons chosen to make up the teams are top humorists, or very interesting conversationalists.

Because I'm interested [though not an expert] in the origins and meanings of words, I sometimes know which is true! :D

[PrntRhd]

They Voted {it makes a person wonder...}





While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
The agent asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the east (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

And then she voted.

===============

I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got
a call from an Individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said, "Pacific.."

And then he voted.

============

So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn
she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving"

And then she voted.

================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a
seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

And then she voted.

=================

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The
cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

And then they all voted.

================

I was hanging out with a real liberal friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friendsaid, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"
I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

And then she voted.

===============

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

And then she voted

[Donn]

Two cannibals walk into a weight lifter's singles convention, one is heard to remark to the other:

"Well, they certainly weren't kidding when they said it was a meating place."
_____________________________
Two cannibals dining on a chinese watch maker, they are overheard to say

"Three hours from now we'll be hungry all over again. . "

"You're pulling my chain?"

[Fruss Tray Ted]

C'mon guys, revive this thread!
I dunno if this one's been posted but it's an oldie but a goodie:

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a**hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'a**hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a**hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a**hole' calling would have to stop. so, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an! a**hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot.

The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window . . so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**hole ( I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a**hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a**hole."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called A**hole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an a**hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"A**hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole."

Then I called A**hole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, a**hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a**," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a**hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

When I got there, I saw two a**holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 13 news crew.

NOW, I feel better - This is "Anger Management" at its very best.

[Donn]

ROFL!!! ROFL!!!! ROFL!!!

I laughed until I cried, really, FTT, that really hit the spot.

OH, and FTT?

YOU'RE AN A**HOLE!!!! (click)

[classicsoftware]

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound
dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the
space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate
the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the
strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a
gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the
engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed
into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through
the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded
itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The
horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along
with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for
suggestions.

You're going to love this... NASA responded with a one-line memo --

"Defrost the chicken."
(True Story )

[classicsoftware]

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains.
>> > > > >
>> > > > > She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair
>> > > > > of pink curtains."
>> > > > >
>> > > > > The salesman assures her that they have a large
>> > > > > selection of pink curtains.
>> > > > >
>> > > > > He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems
>> > > > > to be having a hard time choosing.
>> > > > >
>> > > > > Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The
>> > > > > salesman then asks what
>> > > > > size curtains she needs. The blond promptly replies,
>> > > > > "Fifteen inches."
>> > > > >
>> > > > > "Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds
>> > > > > very small, what room are they for?"
>> > > > >
>> > > > > The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room,
>> > > > > they are for her computer monitor.
>> > > > >
>> > > > > The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss, computers
>> > > > > do not need curtains!"
>> > > > >
>> > > > > The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo .. I've got
>> > > > Windoooooows!"
>> > > >
>>

[classicsoftware]

Great Signs:


TOILET OUT OF ORDER..... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

[FastLearner]

Two guys were sitting on a park bench.
One guy asked the other, "If you could sleep with any woman right now, would you sleep with A) Your Wife or..."

"B, answered the other man."

[pentachris]

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, "'Bout what?"

-----

Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?"

"Jes' some chickens."

"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"

"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give ya boff of 'em!"

"OK..........ummmmm..........five?"

-----

An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here...muh house is on fahr!"

"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"

-----

Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more?

Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.

-----

Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

-----

Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

-----

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?

Documentaries

-----

Where was the toothbrush invented?

Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

-----

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?

The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

-----

A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

-----

What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?

No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

-----

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?

When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."

[PrntRhd]

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

[FastLearner]

An old guy went to the doctor's office and told the doctor, "Doc, you've gotta help me."

The doctor asked, "sure, what's the problem?"

The guy said, "well, doc, my problem is that every night at exactly 2:00 AM I have to urinate, and then to make it even worse, I have to defacate at 5:30 AM."

The doctor looked at the man with a smile and said, "Well, that doesn't sound like much of a problem. In fact, most older people have to use the toilet more frequently than they did when they were younger."

The old man said, "yes, doc, but my problem is that I don't wake up until 7:00!!!"

[PrntRhd]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

[PrntRhd]

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the a****** who pushed me in the pool!"

[Steve]

This married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

[pentachris]

I love it, Steve! http://www.curevents.com/vb/images/smilies/laughlots.gif

[rahulkothari]

Some one liners...

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past you again?
Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
Sign on a famous beauty parlor window: Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your Grandmother!!
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say..........
Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.
Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
"Hard work never killed anybody". But why take the risk !
God made relatives, thank God we can choose our friends.

[jimmy5k]

if you notice this notice you'll notice this notice is not worth noticing.

On a sign just down the road in big letters
DO NOT TOUCH SIDES OF SIGN
SIDES OF SIGN ARE SHARP
and in little text down the bottom "oh, and the bridge is out too"

[jimmy5k]

and an offensive one to all you vegans

Theres room on gods earth for all the beasts that roam. Right next to the baked potato

[PrntRhd]

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:

Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.
You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
Both you AND your dog have therapists.
The Terminator is your governor.
If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

[PrntRhd]

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10
years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to imself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got
closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat
and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting
aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead
gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,
"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years,"
replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left
sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes
one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man,
"that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?"
asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket
there and removes a flask and hands it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated
the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of
her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and
asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet
Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

[PrntRhd]

ADULT CONTENT
Subject: Fw: Rectum Stretcher

>> > RECTUM STRETCHER
>> >
>> > While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the
>> > limit), a
>> > woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the
>> > other
>> > side lying in wait.
>> >
>> > The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
>> > patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
>> >
>> > To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
>> >
>> > "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
>> >
>> > "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
>> >
>> > The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
>> > rectum
>> > stretcher do?"
>> >
>> > "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way
>> > up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.
I
>> > work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I
slowly
>> > ! but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
>> >
>> > "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *******?" he asked.
>> >
>> > "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
>> >
>> > Traffic Ticket $95.00
>> > Court Costs. $45.00
>> > The Look on Cop's face .... PRICELESS.

[Composer]

A scientist wanted to find out if a porkupine and a snake would successfully mate and give viable offsprings. He put them in a cage and patiently waited. The two distinct species did "get along", to his surprise, but the result was barbed wire:-)

Ben.

[ladyhawk]

One day Lizard is walking in the jungle and he sees smoke drifting around the trees ahead of him. As he gets closer to the trees he stops, looks up and sees Monkey sitting in a tree smoking a joint. Lizard says to Monkey, “Hey Monkey, what’re you doing?” Monkey replies “Smokin’ a joint, come up and have some, it’s really good stuff.”
So Lizard climbs up and sits next to Monkey and they smoke a few joints. They’re laughing and carrying on and after a while Lizard’s mouth gets very dry and he is very thirsty and he tells Monkey he’s going to the river for a drink.
Lizard climbs down and heads for the river and when he gets there he is so stoned that he leans over way too far and falls in. Now being very stoned, Lizard forgets he can swim and immediately freaks out believing he is going to drown and begins to frantically splash the water with his tail (to what good he’s not sure). On the opposite bank, Crocodile hears the commotion in the water and thinking the noise could mean a snack, looks up and sees the freaked out Lizard splashing hopelessly around. So, Crocodile swims over, helps Lizard to the riverbank and then asks Lizard, “What is the matter with you?”
Lizard explains to Crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with Monkey smoking pot and got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
Crocodile says he must check this out and wanders into the jungle in search of Monkey. He finds the tree and there is Monkey, sitting on a branch, just finishing up a joint. He yells up to Monkey, “Hey Monkey!..wh..” but before he can finish his sentence, Monkey looks down, almost falling from the branch and says, "Daaaammmmnnnn........How much water did you drink?!"

[bassman]

ROLMFAO!!!!! :D:D:D

[Sylvander]

An email message:

NEW VIRUS
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there
is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most
advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it; so be
warned.
The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1950!

Symptoms of the Senile Virus:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.
Remember?
I don't remember if I sent this one out. . . ..
I don't think I did . . . uh, . or did you send it to me?

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded . . .
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the
good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference.

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. . .
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. . .
6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
7. If all is not lost, where is it?
8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. . .
10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. . .
15. It's hard to make a come-back when you haven't been anywhere.
16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in
the bathroom.
17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to
play chess?
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. .
20. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go
somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
23. I'm unable to remember if I have mailed this to you or not.
24. Funny, I don't remember being . . . uh, what's it called? Oh, yeah, .
. . absent minded.

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe 10,
oh, heck, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who
they are. Then something is supposed to happen. . . I think. Maybe you get
your memory back or something! I think. . .

[Sylvander]

This from "Pop Pop" had me laughing:

"There are exactly 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't."

[curlylad]

Stanley Unwin
Hickencha osscring roadily !

Jim Royle
Chicken my arse !

[Sylvander]

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender.

For example:

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but
you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a
while to warm them up again.
It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tyre -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

[Fruss Tray Ted]

Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell who accidentally ended up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet."Hello?" she cried, with no answer but her own echo. "Is there anyone here?" she cried out a little louder, but still, just an echo.

Now the female brain cell was starting to feel alone and scared so she yelled at the top of her lungs and screamed, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away,,,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
"We're down here!"

.

[Fruss Tray Ted]

The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father -- a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later, a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell.

Mrs. Smith: "Good morning."

Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to....."

Mrs. Smith: (Interrupting) "No need to explain, I've been expecting you."

Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins."

Mrs. Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"

Mrs. Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."

Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it then?"

Mrs. Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"

Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out."

Mrs. Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."

Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"

Mrs. Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"

Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."

Mrs. Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"

Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."

Mrs. Smith: "Oh, my!!"

Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

Mrs. Smith: "She was?"

Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

Mrs. Smith: "Four and five deep?"

Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"

Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."

Mrs. Smith: "I just can't believe it."

Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

Mrs. Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"

Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Mrs. Smith?... Mrs. Smith? ...My goodness, she's fainted!"

...

[jimmy5k]

well, one of my exes is getting married, and that inspired me to quote this little gem

the three rings of marriage.
1) engagement ring
2) wedding ring
3) suffering (suffer/ring)

[classicsoftware]

ATTENTION: ADULT MATERIAL

Subject: Staff Meeting



The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous
staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone
gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the
burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had
to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured
the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About seven
minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten
List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went
very well for everyone.

The top ten were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker! upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs

[classicsoftware]

> journalist was assigned to the Jerusalem bureau of his
>> newspaper. He gets an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall.
>> After several weeks he realizes that whenever he looks at the
>> wall he sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.
>>
>> The journalist wondered whether there was a publishable story
>> here. He goes down to the wall, introduces himself and says:
>> "You come every day to the wall. What are you praying for?"
>>
>> The old man replies: "What am I praying for? In the morning I
>> pray for world peace, then I pray for the brotherhood of man.
>> I go home, have a glass of tea, and I come back to the wall to
>> pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."
>>
>> The journalist is taken by the old man's sincerity and persistence.
>> "You mean you have been coming to the wall to pray every day for
>> these things?"
>>
>> The old man nods.
>>
>> "How long have you been coming to the wall to pray for these
>> things?"
>>
>> The old man becomes reflective and then replies: "How long?
>> Maybe twenty, twenty-five years."
>>
>> The amazed journalist finally asks: "How does it feel to come
>> and pray every day for over 20 years for these things?"
>>
>> "How does it feel?" the old man replies. "It feels like I'm
>> talking to a wall."
>>

[classicsoftware]

When you see this cloud formation on your way out the door in the morning, turn around, go back home, and climb back in bed."


YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE A GOOD DAY!!!

[classicsoftware]

SNAPPY COME BACKS

How many times have you come up with a great, clever response at night while replaying your day? Well, here are some that didn't wait until reflecting on the day. Some are reruns but worth rereading. Bonnie

Snappy Answer #1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."



Snappy Answer #2 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."



Snappy Answer #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



Snappy Answer #4 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."



Snappy Answer #5 A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly through! the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity,please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** you!" Without flinching she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."



And the VERY BEST snappy answer ...



Snappy Answer #6, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever! A smart-ass guy in the back of the room named Steve Patnode raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

[PrntRhd]

Be careful of what you wish for...


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[rahulkothari]

Positive Thinking Poem


Little birdy in the sky,

You look up and it sh*ts in your eye.

You don't mind and you don't cry,

You just thank God that cows don't fly !

[PrntRhd]

Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank,
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping
service in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their
money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance,
etc. They
travel to Progresso, Mexico and begin to set up on the square at the end of
the bridge.
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had
finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to
give a demonstration. So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord,
but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and
scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls
again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and
bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up.
This time she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of
broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her
this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...It
was the crowd. What the hell is a pinata?!"

[Sylvander]

For those of us who don't know, what is a Pinata? :confused:

[Budfred]

Pinata is a toy used at Mexican parties... I is a large animal shape which is decorated festively and filled with treats... It is usually hung from a tree and children take turns being blindfolded and trying to hit it with a stick until it is sufficiently damaged to break open and spew the treats on the ground and then all the children rush in and grab treats... Of course, adults sometimes use them too...

[PrntRhd]

Pinata History (http://www.mexconnect.com/mex_/travel/wdevlin/wdpinatahistory.html)
My apologies, any joke that must be explained is probably a dud, which is why comedy is hard.

[PrntRhd]

ADULT CONTENT

"He Shouldn't Have Said That . . . "

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first
exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign
attached that said: This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs
and said: "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign
attached that said: "This bull mated 120 times
last year. "

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said:
"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a
lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign
attached that said, in capital letters: "This bull
mated 365 times last year."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her
husband's ribs, said: "That's once a day. You could
REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said: "Go over and
ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded
from critical to stable, and he should eventually make
a full recovery...

[bassman]

ROFLMFAO
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

[Fruss Tray Ted]

Actually I'd be more worried about this guys wife
Ooh, that's gotta leave a mark! :eek:

http://www.tunepix.com/movies/WifemeetsGirlfriend.wmv

[stefanus]

LMFAO2 AND ROTFLOL

[Rishab]

ilike all these jokes men for de mean time. keep it up.

[Rishab]

basman do enjoy this stuff

[Rishab]

If I Had A Hammer

A man is in court for murder and the judge says, ''You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.''

Then a voice at the back of the court says, ''You bastard.''

The judge continues, ''You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.''

Again the voice at the back of the court says, ''You bastard.''

The judge says, ''Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! What is the problem?''

The man at the back of the court says, ''Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and everytime I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!

[Rishab]

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

[bassman]

LMAO, your'e right Rishab. I love a good funny

[jimmy5k]

Not for kids. if they know what its about, you're failing at keeping them innocent.

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

what about the secret eleventh that all girls know
"and it only took you three tries to get it in"

[jimmy5k]

slightly off color... but funny

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poo on it's head."

[stefanus]

Subject: FW: haahaaa
An 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their
wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms,
because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert
himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the
expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door
opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door,and it's Morris.
Again he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door,
and is as fresh as a 25-year-old,ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him,
"I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.
You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:
"You mean I was here already?"
The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old,Alzheimer's has it's advantages!

[Steve]

Last night I had a dream about mufflers. I woke up exhausted...

[bassman]

ROFLMFAO:D:D:D:D:D Oh my god that's funny!
I can't wait for senility to set in.

[tommy]

Heck, I'm only 76 -- I think... :confused:

[bassman]

Hot Dog Sex

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it.
"Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer camp.
A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a
habit. Each afternoon she would take a hot dog
from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit on it and have a ball. She nearly drove
me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got
under her trailer and when she slid the hot dog in the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She
sat down on it and everything was going just
great until there was a knock at the door." "And then?" said the doctor. "Aw hell," the patient explained, "That's when
she tried to kick it under the stove." :eek:

[Fruss Tray Ted]

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would really work out.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on.
Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"


The same couple decides that before they tie the knot they ought to go on a little test drive. They go back to the old guys apartment, have a couple glasses of wine and jump in the sack. A while later they are lying in bed, basking in the quiet afterglow of conjugal bliss. . . The old guy lights a cigarette and says, "If I had known your were a virgin, I would have been more gentle." The old gal. . ."If I had known you could still get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose."

[stefanus]

Two {People} are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....


Ees.....


Ees.....


Ees.....


Ees a Ham Bush"

[classicsoftware]

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students


"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
"Just a minute, I have to go piss."
"That would be rude and impolite!!!


What about you John, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
the table.


And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us
your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to
meet after supper."
The teacher fainted!

[Don't shoot]

Sous le vent

[jimmy5k]

google humor.

do a search for "french military victories"
comes back with no results found, did you mean "french military defeats"?

theres another one with WMD but i need to look into that again

[stefanus]

A lady wanted to leave the USA for France but she couldn't get a ticket. One day she meets a man who tells her not to despair.

"I'll let you sneak aboard my Captains ship and take you to France.

But on one condition, you have to screw me every time I bring you food okay?"

She accepted, and for about three months the guy brought her food and she screwed him. This went on till one day she was discovered by the Captain. The Captain asked her what she was doing and she said a man was taking her to France if she screwed him every time he brought her food.

The captain replied, he sure is screwing you - this is the New York ferry!"

[PrntRhd]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!." Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..

Don't mess with the elderly...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull and brilliance only come with age and experience!

[Fruss Tray Ted]

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

[jimmy5k]

"a little adult content"

A young lady was sitting in a boat in a lake with fishing gear and a boat. the lake was known to be a no fishing zone as they are trying to increase the dwindling fish population.

A policeman in a small boat pulls alongside the restful woman and proceeds to give her a fine for fishing in a no fishing zone. she protests saying she isnt fishing.

the policeman says "ahh, but you have the equipment."
the lady now rather disturbed replies coldly and calmly "if you charge me with fishing i'll have you up on attempted rape and indecent assault!"
the cop snarls "how will you prove that?"
"... you have the equipment"

the moral of this story? dont mess with a woman holding a book.

[stefanus]

Old but still good, me thinks :cool:

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses;but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?

[anijam85]

I just love that eveyone says terrorist matermind... It doesn't take a mastermind to put a bomb in their bag and step on a bus.

[PrntRhd]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the
beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica.

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town -"What a
peaceful & loving couple"

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long
and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America" - explained the man.

"We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the
bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse
stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and
quietly said - "That's once". We proceeded a little further and the horse
stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife
quietly said - "That's twice". We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse
stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her
purse and shot the horse dead. I shouted at her - "What's wrong with you,
woman!? Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy?"

She looked at me, and quietly said - "That's once". And from that
moment on we have lived happily ever after"

:D

[PrntRhd]

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor
call the local township administrative office to request the
removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason:
"too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want
them to cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman, KS.
__________________________________________________ ____

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal
lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
And he was a Kansas City chef!
______________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your
baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it
was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled
knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in
Birmingham, Ala.
__________________________________________________ _____

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross
the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged
coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer
was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the
light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are
blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in
Wichita, KS
__________________________________________________ _

IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was
leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager
commented cheerfully, this is fun. We should do this more
often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each
other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a
bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip Back
into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why
her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas
County Sheriff's office no less.
__________________________________________________ __

IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to
pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in
it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic
working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I
watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the
door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I
announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he
replied, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

[PrntRhd]

could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

[bassman]

Rancher Rick has three bulls on his ranch. The number 1 bull has fifty cows in his harem. The number two bull has 25, and the number three bull has 10. One day the gossip is going around the ranch that there is a new bull coming to the ranch. The bulls get together to talk about this.
Number one bull say’s “I have fifty cows and he’s not getting a one of them!”
Number two bull say’s “I have 25 cows and he ain’t getting none of mine!”
Number three bull say’s “Well heck, I only got 10 cows, he surely can’t have any of mine!”
Sure enough, the next day Rancher Rick pulls in with a big truck and trailer. As Rick approaches the back of the trailer, all sorts of hell starts to break loose in the trailer. Stomping and kicking, snorting and bucking. Snot and dust are flying out of the top of the trailer and the whole truck and trailer are shaking around violently. Finally it calms down enough for Rick to open the gate. Out walks the BIGGEST, MEANEST, NASTIEST looking bull you have ever seen. Over six foot tall at the shoulders and weighing more than 3000 pounds. A real monster.
The three bulls look at him for a few minutes and finally the number one bull say’s “Well, I suppose I could let him have 10 of my cows”. The number two bull say’s “I guess I could let him have 5 of my cows”. About this time the number three bull starts jumping and bucking around, kinking up dirt and snorting like a mad animal. The other two bulls look at him and say ”What the hell do you think you are doing?” The number three bull say’s “I just want to let him know I’m a bull”!

[stefanus]

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it’s an absolute steal at only $20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh.

A little later the womans two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un f**king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband Dave comes home.

"In f**king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"

[david eaton]

The Alaska Department ot Fish and Game, recently issued this bulletin:
Warning: "In light of the rising frequency of huinan/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep 'alert 6f bears while in the field, We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them,
We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear, It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure: Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper."

[Sylvander]

Office Dares
Thing to keep you occupied at the office while you avoid work !


ONE-POINT DARES

1. Run one lap around the office at top speed

2. Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player'
must be in the toilet at the time).

3. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,
Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your head.

6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper
huskily, Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"

7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,
"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

9. While riding in a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.


THREE-POINTS DARES

1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with
double-barrelled fingers.

2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all
that, I don't want to have to repeat it".

3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

4. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle
(there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.


FIVE POINT DARES

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to
conclude with the singing of the national anthem - (extra points if you
actually launch into it yourself).

2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with
growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a
number two".

5. After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As
in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.

7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and
mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my
witness, I'll never go hungry again."

9. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".

10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna
trade?"

11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:
Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".

12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk
about it".

13. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a
lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

14. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very
important conference call.

15. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

16. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your
pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

17. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash
each biscuit with your fist.

18. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the
door.

19. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee,
move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

And if that wasn't enough for you - here are some examples of insane
acts you can use anywhere...

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.

4. Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the subject field for all your e-mails, write " FOR SEXUAL
FAVOURS".

7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle
sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time
this week!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling,
Run for your lives, they're loose!

[stefanus]

Two slightly inebriated old guys were walking down the street when one saw a discarded mirror on the pavement.

He bent to pick it up, looked into it for a minute, then said to his pal -

"Chas", I know this blerrie guy, but I can't remember his blerrie name!"

Chas took the mirror and studied it, seriously. Then a smile came to his face.

"Harry..." he said "... you are a stupid blerrie hairyback! That's ME, your old pal, Chas!

[stefanus]

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde". The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms." :cool:

[stefanus]

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred
out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought.

They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her.

Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude.
If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, golf left-handed."

One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"

She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

[stefanus]

Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my genitalia inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my genitalia unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured in unanimous approval. Steve stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and he removed his genitals,unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. Steve stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly spoke up...

"I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle."

[Sylvander]

This is not a joke; it's true, but it made me laugh. :)

My wife wanted to do some typing of reports and save them to a floppy, so she goes up to the PC room.
Ten minutes later she comes down huffing & puffing.
"The d**n PC isn't working, what's wrong with that thing!"
"The PC reports the floppy drive is not accessible!"
"Hmm says I, let me take a look at it", and she follows me up.
So I put a floppy in the drive and click on it in Windows Explorer and all's well.
"!$£%^&** how come it works for you?"
"Did you put the floppy in the drive correctly?" says I.
"Yes, I just put it in there and pushed it right home."

"No wonder the floppy couldn't be accessed; your putting it in the WRONG FLOPPY DISK DRIVE." says I.

You see, we have 2 PC's side by side, but only a single monitor.
The older PC is a desktop unit [not switched on] with the monitor on top, and just beyond that is the newer mini-tower [switched on and booted].
So she is putting a floppy into a dead PC and trying to access it on the live PC.
This because she who must be obeyed has slipped into auto-mode and put the floppy in the "usual" FDD.

[halovivek]

x told to y:- i saved the honeymoon expense..
y:- how?
x:- we went to kitchen
y:- i saved more than you?
x:- how?
y:- i send my wife with my friend to honeymoon.. do u see how much i saved the money.

[Whyzman]

but it made me laughI trust this of course was a tacit laugh...;)

[Sylvander]

We laughed together. :D

She laughs a lot herself and spreads it around. :)

[classicsoftware]

Reuters and CNN have both reported that the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide.
The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The recent increase was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing their military.

[Cavalier90]

Have you heard about the magic tractor driving down the road?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It turned into a field.

[pentachris]

What do you call 50,000 geeks playing Monopoly?

Microsoft

[Whyzman]

Speaking of tractors and farming...Did you know that you can turn any vegetable or fruit into squash?

Run over any one of them with a tractor...:rolleyes:

[pentachris]

Did you hear that workers in the United Facial Tissue Manufacturer's Union are going on strike?

Now everyone will have to picket.

[Whyzman]

It might be deemed a sign of true boredome to see someone with their finger stuck up their nose...but it's snot. It is truly an exciting adventure as every trip is fraught with anticipation...

[jimmy5k]

At New York's Kennedy International Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

Attorney general John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value.

They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "X" and "Y ", and although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "there are 3 sides to every triangle"

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".

[Whyzman]

would have given us more fingers and toesHmmm...didn't stop us from going digital anyway. Consider prestidigitation...now you see it, suddenly there's no sine of it! Isosceles was a shrewd businessman who knew all the angles. Rumor has it he would never co-sine for a loan.

[Whyzman]

Is it true that they strung up Isosceles for smoking dope? I seem to remember hearing that the newspaper headline read something like High-Pot-Noose! :rolleyes:

[classicsoftware]

The lesson
Rifka, a young mother, was teaching her 6-year-old daughter Ruth how to unbuckle her seat belt.
Ruth asked, "Do I click the red square, mummy?"
Rifka said, "Yes, darling."
Ruth then asked, "Single click or double click?"

[hockey man]

Love that one clasic!!

[mumber]

The lesson
Rifka, a young mother, was teaching her 6-year-old daughter Ruth how to unbuckle her seat belt.
Ruth asked, "Do I click the red square, mummy?"
Rifka said, "Yes, darling."
Ruth then asked, "Single click or double click?"
I think she double-clicked. :D

[PrntRhd]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most
of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks
corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High
fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term
harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat
it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most
grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake".

[PrntRhd]

A New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area which primarily produce Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as a anti-diruetic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as Pinot More.

[Don't shoot]

red meat 's better for health, blood,

[nabeel]

1. If all the nations in the world are in debt (am not joking. even US
has got debts), where did all the money go? (Weird)

2. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (To be
given a thought)

3. What is the speed of darkness? (Absurd)

4. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (Very good
thinking)

5. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (Who knows)

6. Can you cry under water? (Let me try)

7. Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just
sit around all day? (I think they meant something else)

8. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows)

9. Do fish ever get thirsty? (Let me ask and tell)

10. Can you get cornered in a round room? (By ones eyes)

11. What does OK actually mean? (OK, all correct I think)

12. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (Tonight I
will stay and watch)

13. What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (Seed)

14. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? (No comments)

15. What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments)

16. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they
remember that they forgot? (Can somebody help)

17. Can you blow a balloon up under water? (Yes u can)

18. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (Strange isn't it)

19. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your
radio would you be able to hear it? (Got to think scientifically)

20. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens? (I don't have a change to try)

21. Why is it called a TV set when there's only one? (Very nice)

22. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down
to the core of the earth? (This is nice)

[mumber]

Comments removed because of possible offensive content and the fact that mumber either could not or would not explain the intent...

[mumber]

Ok, ok, I admit I love you, the thread.

Anyone else has a joke ? I really like to listen. Or I again throw a stone to start with "Tommy:s breakfast"

[PrntRhd]

There's this blonde out for a walk! . She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I
get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the
river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

[Sylvander]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry”.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

[classicsoftware]

Some people are like Slinkys. They are really worthless pieces of junk.

>But they can still bring a smile to your face if you push them down a flight of stairs. :D

[PrntRhd]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
>asked
>for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused
>state
>her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made
>love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for
>her
>to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
>
>Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband
>in
>a drunken state. He explained that his employer was going through a
>process
>of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at
>the
>age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near
>what
>he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
>
>Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook that showed thirty years of
>deposits
>and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates
>of
>deposits issued by the bank that were worth over $2 million, and informed
>him
>that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained
>that
>for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had
>multiplied
>and these were the results of her
>savings and investments.
>
>Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
>husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his
>voice and
>blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given
>you all my business!"
>
>THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM!

[Sylvander]

ACTUAL WRITINGS ON CHARTS IN HOSPITAL

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present.

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

[Sylvander]

A -Z OF ESSEX ENGLISH

ASSA COMMONS - Our Parliament Building. [House of Commons]

ART ATTACK - Extremely perturbed, as in "Don't tell Sharon, She'll have an art attack." [Heart Attack]

ARST - Past tense of ask. "Jordan, I must've arst ya free fazzund times to clear up yer room." [asked you three thousand times]

BANNSA - A person employed to deny access or eject troublemakers at a club."Dave's got izself a job as a bannsa." [Bouncer]

BANTY - A chocolate and coconut snack bar. [Bounty]

BAVE - To wash oneself. [Bathe]

BOAF - The two. "Oi Dave, ooja fancy most, Sharon or Tracy?" "Boaf" is the reply. [Both]

BRANSATCH - Motor racing circuit in Kent. [Brands Hatch]

CANCEL - Administrative body of a town. "Darren, wive ad annuvva letter from the cancel." [Council]

CANTAFIT - Fake, as in money. [Counterfeit]

CHOONA - An edible fish purchased in a tin and usually prepared with mayonnaise. [Tuna]

CORT A PANDA - A big hamburger (smaller than an arf panda) [Quarter Pounder]

DAN TO URF - Sensible, practical. [Down to Earth]

DANNING STREET - Where the Prime Minister lives. [Downing Street]

DANSTEZ - On the ground floor , where the biggest telly is. [Down Stairs]

DREKKUN - Do you consider? as in "Which dog drekkun'll win the next race?" [Do you reckon?]

EFTY - Considerable. "Ere, Trace, this credit card bill's a bit efty." [Hefty]

EJOG - A small, spiky animal (hedgehog). [Hedgehog]

ERZ - Belonging to her. [Her's]

EVVY - A big geezer who protects a smaller and more intelligent geezer, usually for money. "My name's Frank and this is my evvy, Knuckles." [Heavy]

EYEBROW - Cultured, intellectual. [High-Brow]

FANTIN - A jet of water for drinking or ornament. [Fountain]

FARVA - A posh way of saying Dad. [Father]

FATCHA - Margaret, British Prime Minister 1979 - 1990. [Thatcher]

FINGY - A person or object whose name doesn't come to mind. "I ad it off wiv fingy last night." [Thingy]

FONG - Skimpy undergarment. [Thong]

FOR CRYIN AT LAAD - Mild expletive showing annoyance or surprise. E.G."For cryin at lad, Britney, if I say Yes will you give it a rest?" [Crying out loud]

GAWON - Go on. "Gawon Darren, eat ya granny's cabbage, it'll do yer good."

GIVE IT LARGE - To be thorough or enthusiastic.

GRAND - A football stadium. "It all wennoff atside the pub near the grand." [Grandstand]

HAITCH - Letter of the alphabet between G and I.

IBEEFA - The Spanish holiday island. [Ibiza]

IFFY - Dubious. "Ere, Trace, I fink this bread pudding you made last munf's a bit iffy."

INT - Indirect suggestion. " I gave Darren a sort of int that it was time to wash iz feet." [Hint]

IPS - An unknown area of a woman's body to which chocolate travels."That Mars Bar will go straight to me ips." [Hips]

JA - Do you, did you. "Ja like me new airdo, Sharon."

JACKS - Five Pound note. "Lend us a jacks, wilya?" [Jackson five]

JAFTA - Is it really necessary? "Oi mate, jafta keep doing that?" [Do you have to?]

KAF - Eating house open during the day. [Cafeteria]

KAFFY - A girl's name. [Cathy]

LAD - Noisy. "Jordan, turn that music dan, it's too lad." [Loud]

LARJ - Enjoying oneself. [Large]

LEVVA - Material made from the skin of an animal. [Leather]

LOTREE - Costs £1 for a ticket. [Lottery]

MA BLARCH - An arch near Hyde Park. [Marble Arch]

MAFFS - The study of numbers. [Maths]

MANOR - Local area.

MINGER - An unattractive person (usually a woman who is Mingin').

NARRA - Lacking breadth, with little margin. "Mum wannid to come rand but changed er mind. That was a narra escape." [Narrow]

NARTAMEAN - Do you know what I mean? (sometimes used as janartamean). [Do you know what I mean?]

NEEVA - Not one nor the other.

N.E.S - National Elf Service. [National Health Service]

OAF - A solemn declaration of truth or committment. [Oath]

OLLADAY - Time taken away from home for rest and adventure. [Holiday]

ONNIST - Fair and just, without a lie. "I never did it, onnist." [Honest]

OPPIT - Go away , as in "Oi you, oppit." [Hop it]

PADDA PUFF - Soft, lacking aggression. "They're alright up front but they got a padda puff defence." [Powder Puff]

PACIFIC - Specific.

PAFFUL - Having much power or strength. [Powerful]

PAIPA - Sun, Mirror etc. [Paper]

PANS AN ANNSIS - Imperial weight system. [Pounds & Ounces]

PLAMMANS - A pub lunch usually made up of cheese and bread. [Ploughman's]

QUALIDEE - Good, as in "West 'Am's new striker's qualidee." [Quality]

RAND - A number of drinks purchased for a group. [Round]

RANDEER - Locally. "There ain't much call for it randeer." [Around here]

REBAND - Period of recovery after rejection by a lover. "I couldn't 'elp it. I was on the reband from Craig." [Rebound]

ROOFLESS - Without compassion. [Ruthless]

SAFF - A direction of the compass, opposite north. [South]

SAFFEND - An Essex seaside town. [Southend]

SAWTED - Done, arranged, resolved. [Sorted]

SEEVIN - Very angry. "I woz seevin when I urd wot 'e sed." [Seething]

TALENT - Attractive members of the opposite sex. "Dave's gan dan tan to eye up the talent." [Dave has gone down town to...]

TAN ASS - A modern terraced house. [Town House]

TOP EVVY - A woman of plentiful bosom. "Ere look at that, Darren, she's well top evvy." [Top-Heavy]

UG - An unattractive person. "Sharon's new geezer's a bit of an ug." [Ugly]

UMP - Upset, as in Got the Ump. [Hump]

VACHER - A document which can be exchanged for goods or services. "I got a vacher to get in cheap at Forp Park." [Voucher]

WANNED UP - Tense. "I'm all wanned up at the moment." [Wound]

WAWAZUT? - I beg your pardon. [What was it [I did to offend]?]

WENNOFF - A fight commenced as in "It all wennoff". [Went off = started up]

YAFTA - You must : "Even if yer guilty, yafta av mitigating circumstances." [You have to]

YOOF OSTALL - A place where holidaymakers can stay the night. [Youth Hostel]

ZAGGERATE - To suggest something is better or bigger than is true."Craig, I must've told ya a fazzund times already." "Don't zaggerate, mum." [Exaggerate]

[PrntRhd]

Ole and Sven from International Falls, Minnesota die and wake up in Hell. The devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed In parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.

The devil asks them "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

Ole replies, "Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two guys from Minnesota, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourself."

Sven replies, "Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice."

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 40 below zero, icicles are Hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to Wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and Screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumb founded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the Heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold an you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?"

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, "Vell , don't ya know, if Hell iss froze over dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl

[PrntRhd]

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.


The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk

when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I

told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me

jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and

world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for

a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly

wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

[classicsoftware]

The first PC version 1.0

[jimmy5k]

ahh, i still use a limited edition pentium to do most of my work...

a pen.

(i didnt say it would be a GOOD joke)

[Juan_Achilles]

Unfortunately there was a man who fell of an plane.
Fortunately there was a haystack below.
Unfortunately there was a picthfork on the haystack.
Fortunately he missed the pitchfork.
Unfortunately he missed the haystack

[Sylvander]

AHA! :D

Now, do you believe that happened by fate?

Or was it all directed by some higher power able to control events?

Or was it just a matter of chance?

Let's not get TOOOoo deep, this is supposed to be a fun thread. :)

[Whyzman]

Sometimes the punch line of a joke is pretty plane...other times they can be hidden from plane view...

The plane truth about this fella is that he watched a few too many episodes of "Fantasy Island." When he heard Tatoo shout, "De plane," he took it literally...planely a mistake...unfortunately! :rolleyes:

[stefanus]

I'd like to add a word of caution...

My 17 year old son frequents and reads the After Hours Forum...

The visual from the "Cowboy" joke is not one I'd like him to be dealing with...

There is this warning:

Please put warnings in the titles of off-color threads ( 1 2 )
ixl
Put there a long time ago as a warning to people !. Just a personall opinion, one must expect the risque jokes also.

[anton muzic]

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2,
which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are
apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution
was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make
matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, Freedom 1.0 and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. I tried a
shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus
in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the
same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each
other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this
product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0
tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with
FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be
very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were
automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and
can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.

These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess
what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express
which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0
attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often
crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw,
which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could
be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife
1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money
before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please :D

[Sylvander]

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and
this should help get you started...

During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what
the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."


"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."


Do you want a room with or without a view? :D

[Sylvander]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A large black man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people who broke my window?"
Uh.. yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said.
He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!
And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

[poppy]

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared
for the worst answer.

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains
to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.
Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet
voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw
you in jail for contempt."

[anton muzic]

Christmas Cake Recipe.

1 cup of
water , lemon
juice,
1 tsp Baking
Soda , 4 large
eggs,
1 cup
sugar , nuts
1 tsp
salt , bottle
of Brandy,
1 cup Brown
Sugar , 2 cups of
dried fruit

Sample the Brandy to check quality.
Take a large bowl,
check brandy again. To be sure of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Beat one cup of
butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of
sugar. Beat again. At this point it is best to make
sure the brandy is still okay. Try another
cup.....just in case. Break 2 leggs and add to bowl
and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick fruit off
floor. Mix on the turner. If the dried fruit gets
stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a
drewscriver. Sample the brandy to check for
tonsisticity. Next, sift the two cups of salt. Or
something. Check the brandy. Now shift the lemon
juice. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or
somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn
the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally throw the
bowl through the window, finish the brandy.......
:D

[Sylvander]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the whiskey went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit smashed, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckoo'd 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up [she's not a heavy sleeper], I cuckoo'd another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally banjaxed), in order to escape the wrath of "she who must be obeyed".

The next morning she asked me what time I got in, and I told her "Midnight".
She didn't seem to have noticed anything odd. "Whew, got away with that one" I thought.
Then she said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked her why, she said:

"Well, last night our clock cuckoo'd three times, then said, [in a deep manly voice] "Oh feck, fick, fack", cuckoo'd 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, chuckled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted very loadly."

[stefanus]

I like it! lmao reading it :D

[stefanus]

Sometimes the punch line of a joke is pretty plane...other times they can be hidden from plane view...

The plane truth about this fella is that he watched a few too many episodes of "Fantasy Island." When he heard Tatoo shout, "De plane," he took it literally...planely a mistake...unfortunately! :rolleyes:

:D :D Need I say more!

[bassman]

Wrong Words

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

First Testimony: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

Second Testimony: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

Third Testimony: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

Fourth Testimony: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don' t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

Fifth Testimony: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you sure you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "See mom, it's just farts!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

Last Testimony: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for two days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[stefanus]

What is the difference between girls/woman
aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?


At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.



At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.



At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.



At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.



At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.


At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.



At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!



At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you???

[stefanus]

>
>A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the
>evening. They turned on
>a night light, turned the answering machine on the
>phone line, covered
>their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
>They phoned the local cab
>company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the
>couple opened the
>front door to leave their house. The cat they had put
>into the yard
>scoots back into the house.
>
>They don't want the cat shut in the house because she
>always tries to
>eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the
>husband goes inside to
>get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot
>pursuit.
>Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver
>to know the house
>will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi
>driver that her husband
>will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say
>good-bye to my
>mother."
>
>A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
>"Sorry I took so
>long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was
>hiding under the bed. Had
>to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
>She tried to take
>off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap
>her in a blanket to keep
>her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her
>fat ass downstairs and
>threw her out into the back yard!"
>
>The cab driver hit a parked car........
>

[stefanus]

Who said men don't have a sensitive side?


A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.


They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way around the room. Then, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.


The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.


She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.


After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"


The guy says..


"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[stefanus]

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.


The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, " What is it? "

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

[stefanus]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a small shop on High Street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi Bastard. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a piece of stinking dog crap. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age

[i an not a nerd]

* @Lan plays with his privates.
<Rintaun> ...
<@Lan> I got these new toy soldiers
<@Lan> They are really neat

[PrntRhd]

FEMALE POEM -

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen all the day long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, and not wait weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MALE POEM -


I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a darn.

[bassman]

OMFG!!! LMAO!! :D :D

Geez I'm a pig ;)

[stefanus]

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
_______________________________________
FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock
on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________
ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"
_______________________________________
OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time ..but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
____________________________ __________
DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"


TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[PrntRhd]

BARBEQUE SEASON
After four long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to
Summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on
the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking, as it's the only type of
cooking a real man will do, probably because there is some of danger
involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put
into motion:
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks
her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the
situation.
Important again:
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces
and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, seeing her
annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[hockey man]

Hehehehe. . .very true. . .my mom could attest to that. . .

[PrntRhd]

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd
been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house
and asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"





She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it
is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy's Mom
wants to talk to you right now."

[madad2005]

Extremely important advice and recommendations to be passed on to
wives, girlfriends, fiances, mothers, sisters, daughters, etc. (to all women
in general) These rules are to be communicated prior to the World Cup in
June/July this year (Rules ca apply to all sporting competitions, however).

>
> List Of Rules.
>
> 1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of
> the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the
> World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations.

> If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or
> you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any
> attention.
>
> 2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without
any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you
> will lose it (your eye).
>
> 3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't
> mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without
> distracting me. If you
> decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on
> right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to take you
> to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.
>
> 4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a

> refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if
> you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone,
> or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor....it wont
> happen.
>
> 5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the
fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and
> please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over
> to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV
> between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed
> during the day.
>
> 6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my
> teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, its only a game", or "don't
> worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only
> make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never
> ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of
> encouragement" will only lead to a break up or divorce.
>
> 7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk
> to me during half-time but only when the commercials are on, and only
> if the half-time score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am
> saying "one"game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy
excuse to "spend time together".
>
> 8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have

> seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many
> times.
>
> 9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child
> related
> parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:a) I will
> not go,
> b) I will not go, and c) I will not go.
>
>
> 10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to
> watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as
> important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but

> you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to
> something we can all watch??", the reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of

> this list".
>
>
> 12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the
> World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because
> after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League,

> Premier League, etc etc.Thank you for your cooperation.

[stefanus]

LM*O :D :cool:

[stefanus]

Looking Older?



Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own
age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old!" Well,
you are gonna love this one.

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first
appointment with a new dentist when I noticed his
diploma hanging on the wall. It bore his full name and I
suddenly remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy
with the same name. He had been in my high school class
some 40-odd years before and I wondered if he could be
the same guy I had a secret crush on way back then??
When I got into the treatment room I quickly discarded
any such thought. This balding gray-haired man with the
deeply lined face was much too old to have been my
secret crush... or was he??? After he examined my teeth
I asked if he had attended Morgan Park High School. Yes,
I did. I'm a Mustang!" He said, gleaming with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked. "1959. Why do you
ask?" He answered. "Well, you were in my class!" I
exclaimed. Then that ugly, old wrinkled son of a bitch
asked, "What did you teach?" :mad: :cool:

[Whyzman]

Double big Ouch! :(

[PrntRhd]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No", she replies. . . . . " "You just happened to catch my eye."

[Fred_Flintstone]

Reverse Psychology

A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.

One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.

“It’s getting late, big boy,” she says after a few minutes. “Why don’t we go upstairs to bed.”

“We might as well,” slurs the husband. “I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.” :D :D

[classicsoftware]

Getting Into Heaven

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello!" "How are you? We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!"

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."

The woman correctly spelled love, and Saint Peter
welcomed her into heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my
head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

[PrntRhd]

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on
the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak
performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the
reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior
management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering,
while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large
amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too many people were
steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management
structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering
superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also
implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the
boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the ; "Rowing Team
Quality First Program" ; with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower.
There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment,
extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American
management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a
new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new
equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the
next year's racing team was outsourced to India.

[mjc]

Umm...that was a joke?

I thought it was an intro to one of those analysis type stories from some business magazine...

[PrntRhd]

It was meant to be a joke, like "Dilbert" strips poke holes in the work world corporate reality.
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/archive/index.html

[azzey]

I thought it was quite funny... it made me chuckle, at least.

[Fred_Flintstone]

That sounded very much like the company I work for!!! :eek:

[mjc]

It is just too 'real' to be a joke...

[Fred_Flintstone]

Toilet Joke

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot!

You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[Whyzman]

It is just too 'real' to be a joke...Was there a joke involved?

[sen]

why did the chicken crossed the road? because curiosity killed the cat and the dog was barking on the wrong tree,and the early bird gets the worm. ;

[Budfred]

why did the chicken crossed the road? because curiosity killed the cat and the dog was barking on the wrong tree,and the early bird gets the worm. ;
Okay, that was totally lacking in even ironic humor... Unless it is intended as a Zen Koan?? :confused:

[azzey]

A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone with a problem.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard.

None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?", he asks.

"It's of a big rooster", she replies.

"All right," he says, "I'll come over and have a look."

When he arrives, she thanks him for coming over and leads him over to the kitchen table where she has it laid out. He takes one look at what she's been struggling with and says, "Oh, for pete's sake, put the cornflakes back in the box!"

[Fred_Flintstone]

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong
taking pride of place in the lounge.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Talking Clock", the man replied.

"How does it work?", asked the guest.

"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

"For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f***ing morning!" :D :D

[PrntRhd]

Warning

I usually don't post warnings like this one but felt this was important since summer is here. Remember to be safe!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.

[Jiggy]

What class do I take to become a qualified deer ticks inspector and is it hands on :)

[Whyzman]

Oh deer, I really get ticked-off when people scam you like that! http://www.pcguide.com/ubb/mad.gif Fortnately for me, there was only one by my ear lobe... http://www.pcguide.com/ubb/wink.gif

[Fred_Flintstone]

For those that are conversant with football (The SOCCER type).

The OFFSIDE rule explained for girls. Put simply...........

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till.

Behind the Shop Assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them
with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no
money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and
sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other
shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper
and,*whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper,
catch the purse and buy the shoes.

However until the purse has *actually been thrown* you are not allowed to
move in front of the other shopper -

(otherwise you would be 'Offside')...:)

Loved that one!!.... :D :D

[mjc]

Jiggy, I'm not sure, but I think that the course is offered by the Hugh Hefner Institute for Advanced Anatomical Studies.

[PrntRhd]

Also For those of you who watch what you eat,

here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to

know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.



1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart

attacks than Americans.



2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart

attacks than Americans.



3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer

heart attacks than Americans.



4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and

suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.



5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of

sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.



CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[SufferWell1396]

haha noice, very noice

[SufferWell1396]

alright, i will only do it one one manufacturer because it would be too long

AMI BIOS BEEP CODES AND THE CRUDE TRUTH

1 short beep... mk everything is good compaired to the vast majority of things that can go wrong, id say your pretty lucky.

2 short beeps... well, this one lies in your memory, a possibly long and very annoying process to fix.

3 short beeps... basically the same thing as 2

4 short beeps... still basically the same thing as 2 but could also be a bad timer

5 short beeps... your motherboards crying, you put something in wrong or something isnt working, reseat bios and memory, if that doesnt work... bring out the wallet..

6 short beeps... well, lets just say that chip that makes your keyboard, is kinda, oh how do i put this... not working... either you need to keep it soldered in (idunno how you couldnt catch that) or buy another, if that doenst work.... bring out the wallet...

7 short beeps... so, you need money, no way out of this one without some money, your CPU is screwed, lets just get that off first and foremost, either 1. you can just buy another, and keep your most likely obsolete system, or just buy another, more up to date one.

8 short beeps... 1 means, your Video Card isnt working right, either its seated wrong or you need to buy another, or 2, your just stupid and dont have a monitor hooked up.

9 short beeps... your bios=fried, bring in the wallet.

10 short beeps... it lies far in the catacombs of the CMOS, you need to either replace every chip associated with CMOS or buy another mobo...

11 short beeps... the Cache on the motherboard is malfunctioning.. reseat or replace...

1 Long, 3 Short Beeps... chances are you just put in some memory, its seated wrong, reseat it

1 Long, 8 Short Beeps... reseat the vid card

[Sylvander]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Goingtothepub 7.5 , and Softball 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....
_____________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support

[PrntRhd]

Christmas Cake Recipe

Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
1 bottle Jose Quervo Tequila
2 cups of dried fruit

1. Sample the Quervo to check quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the Quervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
3. Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best tomake sure the Quervo is still OK, try another cup ... just in case
4. Turn off the mixerer thingy.
5. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit
6. Pick the frigging fruit off floor...Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
7. Sample the Quervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups ofsalt, or something. Who giveshz a ****. Check the Jose Quervo
8. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
9. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
10. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Jose Quervo and kick the cat.


CHERRY MISTMAS! OR IS IT CHEERY DISTMAS OH WELL HERE'S TO YOU!

[mjc]

One tequila.
Two tequila.
Three tequila.
Floor.

[Fred_Flintstone]

A Man's first Son


A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in
and informs the dad that his son was born without a body.


The son is just a head!


But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with
love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of
him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender
shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of
alcohol.


Whooosh! a torso pops out!


The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.


The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.


The patrons chant "Take another drink"!



The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.


Whooosh! Two arms pop out! The bar goes wild.


The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"!


The bartender ignores the whole affair.


By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he
reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.


Whooosh! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.


The father falls to his knees, tearfully giving thanks!!


The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the
left....then to the right ... right through the front door, into
the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. :eek:


The bar falls silent.


The father moans in grief.


The bartender sighs and says...


(wait for it)

(it's coming) :p

>
>
>
>
"He should have quit while he was a head"!

:D :D :D

[Whyzman]

Hmmm...well, you really see the importance self-esteem plays in one's life.

Sure, he could have stayed a head, but the major problem was that he would have always considered himself to be...

(wait for it)



(wait for it)



(here it comes)



a nobody! ;)

[WatchersOn209]

They phoned me several times and asked me to come because I had a postal package.
I have not gone down there for over 2 weeks
They still calling, just called, and just recored the message
I let them keep it all

[Fred_Flintstone]

One day, in line at the canteen, Bob says to Stanley behind him,
"My elbow hurts like everything. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart's, Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10...a lot cheaper than a day off to see the doctor."

So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap.water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole for good measure.

Bob hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and waits. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab...

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop fishing, your elbow will never get better.

And, as always, thank you for shopping at WalMart

:D :D :D :D

[Whyzman]

Okay... A guy walks into a bar and says....

wait for it...


wait for it...


wait for it...


"Ouch! I shoulda ducked!" :rolleyes:

[Jiggy]

Okay I walked into a light pole, due to looking at a woman in summer dress :)

[Whyzman]

And...Jiggy said upon walking into the light pole???

[Jiggy]

Sorry mate.....

[Whyzman]

LOL! :D:D:D I woulda paid good money to see that! :D

[Jiggy]

Just before the days of cctv in the town, its was that good i`d be on youtube, myspace and the like.

[Whyzman]

I was going to ask about the cctv because we saw a special on a cable channel having to do with face recognition software that you folks are using across the pond...

Your run-in with the pole was just a tad early...shucks! You coulda been internationally famous! :D

[PrntRhd]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife

looks over at him and asks the question..



WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"



HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"



WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"



HUSBAND: "Of course I do."



WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"



HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."



WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)



HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)



WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"



HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."



WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"



HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

< BR>> WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"



HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."



WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"



HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."



WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"



HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."



WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"



HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."



WIFE: -- silence --



HUSBAND: "****"

:HUSBAND: "****"

[PrntRhd]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.



These are the instructions at the entrance:



1) You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!



2) There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.



3) The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you may not go back down except to exit.



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first

floor the sign on the door reads:



Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.



Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.



Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Good Looking.



"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.



"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:



Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor No. 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner has opened "The Wife Store" across the street.



Floor 1 has wives that love sex.



Floor 2 has wives that love sex and have money.



The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[azzey]

Haha good one :D

[jlreich]

Lol! That's pretty good. :D :D

[azzey]

I'm not sure if this one has been posted yet, but...
__________________
Genesis Take Two

1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from
those he created the Word.

2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed.
And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was
good.

3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened.
And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places.
And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.

4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place
to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
Thus God created computers and called them hardware.

5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small
and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill
all the Memory.

6. And God said -I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer
will make new programs and govern over the computers and
programs and Data.

7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center;
And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said
You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE
Windows.

8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone.
He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a
creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire
the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does;
And God called the creature: the User.

9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS
and it was Good.

10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God.
And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to
run any programs ?

11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every
program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows
or we will die.

12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something
you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will
become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you
like by a simple click of your mouse.

13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and
easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless
- since Windows could replace it.

14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to
the Programmers that it was good.

15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers.
And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the
Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I
can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need
drivers? Did you run Windows?
And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to !

16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated
by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you.
And you will always sell Windows.

17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows
will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will
have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the
Programmers help.

18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the
User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors
and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door
and secured it with a password.

20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT

[azzey]

“The program is not responding. If you choose to end the program immediately, you will loose any unsaved data.” My foe will not face me. He hides in the shadows like the shadows like the coward that he is, a virus on my life that is too afraid or ashamed to show his face. Angrily, I select my weapon of choice, this time not the dreaded Alt+F4 but a more traditional attack, the mouse. “End NOW!” I scream as I repeatedly select for the computer to terminate the program, my life being flushed away with it. The screen goes temporarily blank and I watch it, breathing heavily. Just as I have decided that it may be time for more drastic action, the screen returns, and a mocking message appears. “Send error report” it asks, as though it cares. Angrily, I instruct it to do so, intent on making my frustration know. As I sit, counting out the seconds while it “reports” the incident, I suddenly wonder, “Where do all of those error reports go? Does anyone even care about my misery?” But just as I have time to formulate the thought, a new message appears. “Thank you for taking the time to report this problem,” it says, making me madder still. “You mock my pain!” I shout at it. Intent on revenge, I pull up the MacAfee virus scan and tell it to locate the invader. I wait for the foreigner to show his face, but a whole fourteen minutes of my life tick by, and still nothing is revealed to me. In the last twenty seconds of the search I hold my breath, certain at any moment my worst fears will be confirmed. I wait for the dreaded words, “virus detected,” but the twenty seconds come and go and I am no closer to seeing the face of my foe than I am to seeing the face of God Herself. Appalled now, I shut the computer down, improperly, assuring it that it is going to bed without dinner. As I watch the screen finally go dark, I pray that it might not be so testy after a good nights sleep. The source of all my woes now looking so peaceful as it sleeps. “That is my life in there,” I whisper, so as not to awake it. Then I tiptoe off to find the laptop.
- Arianrhod503

[azzey]

"My software never has bugs. It just develops random features." :p

[PrntRhd]

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Leroy and his wife
Carol hear the announcer say,

"We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your
car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get
through."

Carol goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your
car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get
through."

Carol goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio
announcer says" We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must
park... "

Then the electric power goes out.

Carol is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says,
"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need
to park on so the plow can get through?"*

With the love & understanding in his voice, like all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, Leroy says,

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[Whyzman]

Ooohh my! :D

[PrntRhd]

Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Number Two Idiot of 2006

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

Number Three Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

Number Four Idiot of 2006

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Smartbutt. But you still get a sign

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

Number Five Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Seven of 2006

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of plexi-glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Yep, here's your sign.

[Sylvander]

Subject: New exercise routine for the over 40's




*Note: Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program.

SCROLL DOWN...
















































NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job! Have a Beer. :D

[Sylvander]

Whew! I'm just too enthusiastic.

I've done that 6 times already and I'm worn out.

Think I'll go take a lie down. :) :D

[azzey]

ROFL :D:D:D Good one!

[PrntRhd]

Friends are like butt cheeks.
Crap might separate them,
But they always come back together.

[Sylvander]

The Scottish Three Kick Rule

A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."


The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you're not coming over here."


The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.


The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this with the Scottish Three Kick Rule."


The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?"


The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."


The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.


The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.


His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.

The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.


The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, old man, now it's my turn."


The old farmer smiles and says,


"Nah, I give up, You can keep the duck".

[Sylvander]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of
beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?".

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and
cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer, eats the toastie and leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of beer
and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and excited by the extra
drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint
and the toastie.

The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint
of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman".

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie
and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been
laid on for the crowds attending and the barman is making more money in
one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, please barman" whilst smiling and acknowledging the tributes of
the masses.

The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, me old mate, old mucker but we are
right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd goes silent as the the barman clears
his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion
Toastie".

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says "Are you sure I will like it?"

The masses await in stunned silence.

The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let
down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it".

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion
Toastie".

The pub erupts with cheers as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the
toastie, waves to the crowd and leaves....never to return!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who had
only served 4 drinks that night, 3 of which were his) calls time.
As he is cleaning down the empty pub, he sees a small white form
floating above the bar "Who are you" he queries.

"I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house"
comes the reply.

The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in
every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Crowds
came to see you and this place was famous"

The rabbit says, "Yes I know".

The barman says "On your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese
Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"

The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it".

The barman said "You never returned - what happened?"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"OH NO!" said the barman,"what from".

After a short pause. The rabbit said...



Mixin Ma toasties!!!!!! :D

[david eaton]

Doh!! :D good one.

[mjc]

OK...there is something I know I'm missing in this one, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

[azzey]

Same on this end...

[Sylvander]

Myxomatosis:
A viral disease [usually fatal] of rabbits. :(

Sounds like...
Mixin Ma toasties! :D

[Fred_Flintstone]

Myxomatosis: introduced to cull the rabbit population in the 1950 - 1960's thereabouts???

Anyway... the old ones are the best!!..

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to
apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the
damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique
bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm
a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now
that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll Give
you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for
myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like
to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the
world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe
from fire,burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

" Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your
wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.

"I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs
where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The
genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your
husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

[SufferWell1396]

Operating System Defintion:
This is the buggy code that makes your computer work, or not as the case may be. There are three types of operating systems: Good ones, bad ones, and Windows ME.

[kfh]

Congratulations from www. sweetshop.com You have just won the weight of u'r pecker in sweets. To collect your Tic-Tac contact us at www. tinypecker.com

[PrntRhd]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

***************************************** A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

****** ******************************************** Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
********************************************** A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
******************************************** A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
************************************************** ************* Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
**************************************************

[George Hallam]

One night, as I was lying in bed, staring at the stars, I thought to myself "Where the hell is my roof!!"

Out of all the things i've lost i miss my brain the most

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

In America, anybody can be president.
That's one of the risks you take

I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb

I base most of my fashion taste on
what doesn't itch

Everything is funny as long as it is happening
to somebody else

Sleep is an excellent way of
listening to an opera

I would have made a good Pope

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his

A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things.

[kfh]

He laid her on the table, so white & clean & bare,
His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here & there,
He touched her neck & then felt her breast,
& then drooling felt her thigh,
The slit was wet & all was set,
He gave a joyous cry,
The hole was wide,
He looked inside,
All was dark & murky,
He rubbed his hands,
& stretched his arms,
And then he stuffed the turkey.

[sassie05]

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please!

[HomeSA]

http://i12.tinypic.com/2mhfsqs.gif

[azzey]

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/60/220846751_2bd2d90e76_m.jpg
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/75/220846755_0cad565ed1_m.jpg
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/66/220846757_b3e1ea3de3_m.jpg
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/80/220846761_5f1938fce9_m.jpg
:D :D :D :D

[Sylvander]

What worries me is....

The last set of jokes actually made me LAUGH. :D

Should I be worried for my sanity? :confused:

[HomeSA]

Should I be worried for my sanity? :confused:

Nah, don't worry about your sanity. All this means is that you don't take life too seriously and are easy-going. :p

[bassman]

Guy walks into a bar with a dog to watch the football game.
Bartender says “Hey buddy, I don’t allow dogs in here”
Guy says “You don’t understand, this dog is the biggest Raiders fan I have ever seen”.
Bartender tells him, “OK, but you keep him in the back, out of the way”.
Everyone is watching the game when the Raiders kick a field goal. The dog JUMPS up on the bar and High Fives everyone with his paw.
Bartender says, “Hey, that’s awesome, what does he do when they get a touchdown”?
Guy says, “I don’t know, I’ve only had the dog 3 years”!

[Whyzman]

Hehe...bass...

I couldn't help but thinking Vikings and Superbowl celebrations... :rolleyes:

We've been there what?... only 4 record breaking times...

[bassman]

I am sofa king we Todd did

[Whyzman]

You are not T

[Fred_Flintstone]

LEARNING TO CUSS

A 6-year-old and 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year-old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'.

The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out."

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers,






"But you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios.":D :D :D

[Fred_Flintstone]

Oh That Little Johnny AGAIN!!!!

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee".

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite".

"What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table".

"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine,
>
>
>
>
Whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted! ..:p :p :D

[bassman]

MAYBE A BIT OFF COLOR!

Teacher says, “Alright class, today we are going to work on vocabulary”. “I want you to use the word Fascinate in a sentence”. Little Johnny is at the back of the class waving his hand franticly. The teacher knows Johnny so she doesn’t want to call on him.
Little Sarah raises her hand and teacher calls on her, “Yes Sarah, will you use Fascinate in a sentence”. “Well teacher, last month my parents took us to Disney Land and that was fascinating”. “Well Sarah, that is nice but I was looking for fascinate, not fascinating”.
Little Johnny is still waving his hand and squirming around, but the teacher still won’t call on him.
Little Julie raises her hand and the teacher calls on her. “Julie, will you use fascinate in a sentence”. “Last week my parents got me a puppy. When I play with him I am just fascinated”. “Well Julie, that is nice but I was looking for fascinate, not fascinated”.
By now little Johnny is jumping up and down, waving both hands. Teacher thinks “How bad can he mess this up?”
“Ok Johnny, can you use fascinate in a sentence?” “Well teacher” says little Johnny, “My sister got a new sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big, she can only fasten eight”.

[Whyzman]

Next word on the vocabulary list is tighten...

Johnny's got his hand up again... :rolleyes:

[azzey]

Hehehe... :D

[123456]

Two men were talking about their wives. "My wife's an angel."
The other man says, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

[HomeSA]

http://i14.tinypic.com/2nggabc.jpg

[Fred_Flintstone]

Excellent...:D
But you forgot the other babies bottle at the end!!..:confused: :confused:

[SufferWell1396]

I got this one after installing some updates from Microsoft in Win Me

http://i70.photobucket.com/albums/i107/SufferWell1396/asdf-1.jpg

[HomeSA]

Same here. Trying to check for updates for my kids' WINME machine and I got the same. Talk about stopping support, or is MS telling me to switch to a Mac :rolleyes:

http://i17.tinypic.com/34q2sg2.jpg

[PrntRhd]

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new
Mercedes into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf
pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya".
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimes the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything.

[Whyzman]

Do ya suspect that Tiger's beverage of choice might be a club soda?

[PrntRhd]

Jake was dying.His wife,Becky,was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand,tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush,my love,"she said."Rest,shhh,don't talk."
He was insistent,"Becky," he said in his tired voice."I...I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky."Everything's all right,go to sleep."
"No,no.I must die in peace,Becky. I...I slept with your sister,your best friend,her best friend,and your Mother.!" he mumbled.
"I know..." Becky whispered softly,"That's why I poisoned you." !

[Whyzman]

"After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: “British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots.

One week later, “The Klub”, a Lindstrom, Minnesota newspaper reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 meters in corn fields near Center City, Minnesota, Ole Johnson, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Norwegians were already using wireless.”

I related this account to a friendly Arapahoe Indian sitting on a blanket by his campfire who just smiled... ;)

[bassman]

Little Johnny says "Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?"
His mom says, "Why, a stork, little Johnny."
Little Johnny says, "Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies?"
His mom says, "A raven, dear."
Little Johnny then says, "Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?"
His mom says, "A swallow!"

[bassman]

They walk among us.

I walked into a Blimpie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free". She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

They walk among us and many work retail.

===================

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

They Walk among us!

====================

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

They Walk Among Us!!

====================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They Walk Among Us!

====================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

====================

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us!

====================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

They Walk Among Us!

====================

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Yep, They Walk Among Us!

===================

AND..... they reproduce!

[Ajmukon]

ACTUAL CALL TO MY HOUSE
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Around 8pm a few months ago, the phone rang, and being alone at the time, i got up to answer it.
WHAT I HEAR:
"HELLO??? 911?? EMERGENCY!!" (ME: :confused: )
My response:
"SIR, you haavvee tthhee wwrroonngg pphhoonne nuummberr" :confused:
phone call lasted 10 min, repeating the top two sentiences, i had to hang up
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

[classicsoftware]

This just in: Disney to hold press conference at 10:00 a.m.
tomorrow. Word on the street is that Disney will apologize for the
Seven Dwarfs singing "Hi Ho, Hi Ho" in the movie Snow White and the
Seven Dwarfs.

Disney plans to remove all items, currently for sale, associated
with this movie. This includes books, dolls, and movies.

Later in the week the Seven Dwarfs will appear on the Al Sharpton
radio show to apologize and undergo a 7 hour grilling.

Jesse Jackson has not been contacted for comment on this. His office
stated that he and his personal secretary were attending a meeting
in the Bahamas . However, people at PUSH hinted that a large protest
is being scheduled at Disney World.

Snow White could not be reached for comment.

[bassman]

:D :D LMFAO
I think it's about time for the Over sensitive, politically correct world to come to an end! ;)

[rockion]

....
Disney plans to remove all items, currently for sale, associated
with this movie. This includes books, dolls, and movies.
....
I read just the word "dolls", I find it funny. Dunt know why.:D :D :D :D

[PrntRhd]

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower
father was about to die, Dick decided he needed a
woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar
and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty
took his breath away.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said,
walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my
father will pass and I'll inherit over 20 million
dollars."

The woman went home with Dick, and four days later she
became his stepmother.

Men will never learn.

[mr soft]

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is
this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend
the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take
a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in i t. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the
best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.



Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have
had about food and diets.

[mr soft]

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling.

Take celibacy.

This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by
environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Bill and
Mary listened

to the instructor declare "It is essential that husbands
and wives

know the things that are important to each other. He
addressed the men.

"Can you each name and describe your wife's favorite
flower?"

Bill leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,

"Self -raising, isn't it?"

Thus began Bill's life of celibacy

[mr soft]

How to keep women sweet

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "Could be better."
This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness
.
(Or--if she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really really hard until she cries
This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.


3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over.
Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is say "You better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning.
This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and
every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things... they usually mean the most.
Then--when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and hide them.
Because jewelry is for wussies.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she’s looking. When
she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words "F$#k You" and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner, drive for miles so she
Thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning
Tire yard, when she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you’re really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear “Because I can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those
special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she’s cold.. and not by giving her your jacket..
then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "If you
don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be
bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the
bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the
party’s dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet..
kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn’t
girls?


15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give
her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you’re in her house steal one of the following: Shoes,
earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the
pair.
This way she’ll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she’s about to order interrupt
and say "No, she’s not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts..... And make sure it has your
smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell, a bad smell. You know what I’m talking about.

21. When it’s raining keep asking her if she’s crying. She'll say "No,
It’s just the rain." Ten minutes later turn to her and just scream “Stop crying you baby!" Girls like a tough man as I’ve already stated.

22. Titty twisters, and plenty of them.

23. If you're listening to music and she asks to hear it, tell her No
This way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. Two words. Dutch oven.

25. Remember her birthday but don't get her anything. Teach her
material objects aren’t important. The only thing that’s important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

26. If she’s mad at you for not calling her when you say you will
promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day.
This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you
Call, that you’re going to tell her a special surprise, now she’ll be really excited, Now don’t call.

27. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just
whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know
she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don’t like this one that much but I think it's funny.