JOKES

[PrntRhd]

Careful there Mr Soft

[mr soft]

Yes that was close , I imagine you guys get to read the edited stuff even if I´m real quick at editing.




Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go
back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnnie, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his
breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks
his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No".

Johnnie asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to
school."

johnnie comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up
yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnnie says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch And go
back to school."

After school, Johnnie comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary
up yet?"

His mom says, "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I
think.....I gave him my airplane glue."

[PrntRhd]

A monks story

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before.

The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.

He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound

The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that
beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."

The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for.

By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone

The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk

[sassie05]

Oh! GROAN:D LOL

[George Hallam]

lol thats good but anoying argh

[PrntRhd]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[sassie05]

Have I done this yet?

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
Now that's funny!

[George Hallam]

lol haha good but thats true hehe:D

[Whyzman]

1 to issue a SPAM warning to the first time poster/thread starter to kindly remove the signature link to his/her light bulb changing company.

1 to remove the "hit and run" SPAMer's link from said signature with a ban warning if it is replaced.

1 to PM the thread starter/first time poster asking for clarification of his/her intentions and possible financial interest in the light bulb changing company.

1 to ban the determined SPAMMER for returning the link to said signature.

1 forum owner to respond to the SPAMMER/complaintant's email addressing the forum's rudeness and advertising policies and asking for reinstatement.

[George Hallam]

1 spammer using a different e-mail address to come back and do the same again and the cycle will restart

[Whyzman]

1 to recognize the multiple "mods notified" posts pertain to the same dimwit individual and merge the threads.

1 to create an "enlightened" thread in the Bit-Bucket forum and transfer all the glowing SPAM threads there.

1 to switch out/munge all email addys dropped into the text portion of the merged threads.

1 to sock-it to the dim bulb SPAMMER who now registers anew using an alias.

1 to once again meticulously munge all email addys and URLs copy/pasted by the "alias" SPAMMER into multiple forums, merge all threads, and transfer them to the Bit Bucket forum.

2-8 to discuss emailing the forum owner to ask that the IP be permanently blocked.

1 to then email the owner and ask that the SPAMMER's IP be blocked to prevent further harrassment.

1 to ask if the forum is in the dark regarding today's rapidly changing technology??

1 to shed further light on watts the difference between voltage and amps bumping the discarded Bit-Bucket thread into the spotlight once again...

1 to comment how we live in changing times... :rolleyes:

1 to combine and organize "pre-coffee" eclectic thoughts! :D Thanks PrntRhd! ;)

[PrntRhd]

1 to combine and organize "pre-coffee" eclectic thoughts!
My pleasure, looks better that way I think.
:D

[Whyzman]

Looks much better! Plus, it demonstrates a conciseness of thought, the way my logical brain normally works...yeah right! :D:D

[Fruss Tray Ted]

3 to suggest that another type of bulb should have been used to save energy.

Seven more to mention the chance of mercury being released into the atmosphere, or worse, on your skin.

4 more quick responders to enlighten the ones suggesting energy efficient bulbs that they are only causing global warming in the long run due to the greater manufacturing costs of the 'E' ficient ones.

A half dozen to argue that the efficient bulbs more than make up the greater cause and effect on the environment but also suggest a better built bulb of their own liking.

A threesome more to inform all of us that all bulbs are bad and we should just collect firefly's in jars or just go-to-bed when it is dark outside...

Several more wondering if the light will ever shine on them?

And one more in the corner still flicking the switch....

[sassie05]

Countless new members, who are extreme whack-o environmentalists, express that changing to new energy efficient bulbs will offset their carbon footprints.:rolleyes:

[PrntRhd]

The Hypnotist

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. ' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

His funeral services will be held on Monday.

[George Hallam]

lol haha thats good

[PrntRhd]

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."

[PrntRhd]

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.


2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.


3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.


8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.


9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'

.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER...?
Why A 20oz "Coca-Cola" Product cost $1.09 (+tax) inside Wal-Mart, when you can get one out of the Vending Machine outside for $1.00 even?


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?


Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?


Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


------------------
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:


On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).


On a bag of Fritos:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?


On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (as opposed to "special" soap???)


On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!


On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)


On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)


On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)


On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because???....)


On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)


On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)


On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[PrntRhd]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're Bull****tin' me!

The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."

[Ajmukon]

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Answer: Then the plane would be to heavy to fly- Black boxes are HEAVY

on a side note, i too have a question about the swedish chiansaw and the japanese food processor warnings...

great sites:
www.baddesigns.com (site unavialiable at time of post)

Note: you have to read everything!:
http://www.engrish.com/image/engrish/Gun3.jpg
(source www.engrish.com ) i appologize for any use/ copyright infringement and if asked, image will be removed- either by me or by the mods

[Ajmukon]

Lucent Technologies Model 6210 Telephone :

The following is found on page 4 of the instruction book:

To place or answer a call, lift the handset.
To place a call, dial the desired number.
To end the call, hang up the handset.

Another gem, also on Page 4:
To put a call on Hold: Press "Hold".

[123456]

I guess this drawing I drew fits in this topic.

http://i12.tinypic.com/674i1dy.jpg

[PrntRhd]

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my
dogs, Chester and Diesel - and was in line to check
out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........
Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but
that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse
with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I had ended up in the hospital?

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

[George Hallam]

if thats a true story that well good hahah :D :)

[PrntRhd]

Southern Grandmother on the Witness Stand

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.

Edit: My apologies, Poppy had posted this #633

[Sylvander]

The Italian who went to Detroit
(Read with an Italian accent]

One day I'ma gonna go to da bigga Hotel.
Inna da morning I go down to da brekfast.
I tella da waitress I wanna two piisses toast, she bringa me only one piiss.
I tell her "I WANNA TWO PIISS".
She say "go to da toilet".
I say "You no unnestan", "I wanna two piiss onna my plate".
She say "You bettA no piiss onna da plate, you sonna ma beetch".

Later, I go outa to eat atta da bigga Re-store-ante.
De waitress she bringa me da spoon and da knife, butta no fock.
I tell her "I wanna FOCK".
She tella me "Everyone a-wanna fock".
I tell her "You no unnestan, I WANNA FOCK ON DA TABLE".
She say "You betta no fock onna da table, you sonna ma beetch".

So, I go back-a to my-a room-a inna da Hotel an there iis no shiits onna my bed.
So I calla da manager an tell him "I WANNA DA SHIIT".
He tella me "Go to da toilet".
I say "You no unnastan, I WANNA SHIIT ONNA DA BED".
He say "You better no shiit onna da bed, you sonna ma beetch".

I go to the checkout and da man at da desk say "peace to you".
I say "Piiss onna you too, you sonna ma beetch, I'm-a gonna back to Eetalee".

[123456]

Ahaha I love the Italian one.

[michael2023]

Ahahahahahaha i love that joke ive heard it a million times and its still funny...

Confucious say-man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with stinky finger. :eek:

[mr soft]

A couple of blonde jokes :D




BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking,
and
one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...
Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida?????"

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic
it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me
to
show it to you!"

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I
get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts
back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said
that
her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee
and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched
made
her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
the
wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled,
"PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

[George Hallam]

On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST
CEREAL?


lol i saw that and had to post it :D
remove if if you think it unsuitable

[George Hallam]

there not jokes but there funny pics lol

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/2564/Help+Im+Sinking/

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/65/Killer+Kitten/

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/1666/Pussy+Cat+Hammock/

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/1097/Rock+Kitten/

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/794/This+cat+is+so+cute/

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/2974/Typical+Guy/

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/2001/Jedi+Squirrels/

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/3261/Who+Done+It/

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/3072/Beware+Of+The+Crocs/

lol im sure you will look through and find better ones:D

and this make me chuckle lol

Dad: Son, what is the difference a penis and a loaf of bread?
Son: I don't know.
Dad: Then remind me to never send you to the store for a loaf of bread.

[Igore B]

....and this make me chuckle lol

Dad: Son, what is the difference a penis and a loaf of bread?
Son: I don't know.
Dad: Then remind me to never send you to the store for a loaf of bread.


Huhu, that sounds really funny, a loaf of bread, huhu

Sorry I weed out the porn links :)

[deddard]

Got this one from the radio.


How do you confuse a woman?











Buy her a pair of chocolate shoes.:D

[bindingtreat]

lol. love that last one mate.

[sassie05]

Remember Abbott and Costello?


If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

??????????? COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
.
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
About buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
Proposals, track expenses and run my business.? What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
Sitting at my computer and I want to type a prop osal.? What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
Straight answers.? What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything
I Can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn' t it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
???????? (A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

[tommy]

LOL. A fitting tribute to two of the greatest comics.:D

[mr soft]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian
coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible
night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke,”I guess I'd better have the bad news
first?"

The Sarge says,”I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.
Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft
in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was
dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a
bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and
asks,
"What’s the good news.......??

The Sarge says, ”Well when we got your wife up there were quite a
few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
we've brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four
or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind
and all that... So what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young
Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over
there and pull her up again.....!"

[sassie05]

Bad, very bad!:D :D :)

[George Hallam]

hahaha very guudd :D:D:D:D

[PrntRhd]

SO WHO IS DOING THE WORK?

The population of the USA is 300 million.



160 million are retired.



That leaves 140 million to do the work.



There are 85 million in school.



Which leaves 55 million to do the work.



Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.



Leaving 15 million to do the work.



2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.



Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.



Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.



And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.



At any given time there are 188, 000 people in hospitals.



Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.



Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.



That leaves just two people to do the work.



You and me.


And there you are,



sitting on your ass,



at your computer, reading jokes.



Nice. Real nice !!

:D :D

[123456]

Here are two PC related jokes I made. The 2nd one is sexual, so just a warning.

http://i2.tinypic.com/6gu40g8.png

http://i4.tinypic.com/67e946e.png

[George Hallam]

some people would have seem this site before but i had to post it
http://maddox.xmission.com/

Warning contains strong language and strong views on things that some people may not agree with

[MadMax08]

Tom Leykis
I cannot bee-LEEVE that women are SO shocked to hear that the reason the chicken crossed the road is because the rooster was trying to get into her pants!


I know this one is from WAY back, but I still find it hilarious. I listen to Leykis daily, and thats how he would say it!

[PrntRhd]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you are a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate good fortune." Then she hands the bottle of wine to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police... "

[PrntRhd]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

[Ajmukon]

Bad.. horrible.. mean.. nasty....
;) :D:cool: :rolleyes:

how about this one:

http://www.jeffiscool.com/pictures/Redneck/Redneck_Radar.JPG
... that don't work...:confused:

another one:
http://www.jeffiscool.com/pictures/Signs/GuessTheyveHadProblemsInPast.JPG
:confused: :eek:


add for something that completely made me laugh...
http://www.jeffiscool.com/cranefalling.html

[Ajmukon]

oh yeah,
this is just funny ( but i not sure if someone else posted it already)
http://www.jeffiscool.com/pictures/flowchart.jpg

and my favorite:
http://www.jeffiscool.com/pictures/StupidDad.jpg

[PrntRhd]

MONTGOMERY, Ala. —

A burglar in Montgomery chose the wrong family to mess with, literally. Adrian and Tiffany McKinnon returned home on Tuesday after a week away to find that thieves had emptied almost everything the family of five owned, Tiffany McKinnon said through tears.

"Tears just rolled down my face as I walked in and saw everything gone and piles of trash all over my home," she said.

Adrian McKinnon sent his wife to see her sister while he inspected the piles left behind. As he walked back into the sunroom, a man walked through the back door straight into him, Tiffany McKinnon told the Montgomery Advertiser in a story Thursday.

"My husband Adrian caught the thief red-handed in our home," she said. "And what is even crazier, the man even had my husband's hat sitting right on his head."

Adrian McKinnon held the suspect, 33-year-old Tajuan Bullock, at gunpoint and told him to sit on the floor until he decided what to do.

"We made this man clean up all the mess he made, piles of stuff, he had thrown out of my drawers and cabinets onto the floor," Tiffany McKinnon said.

When police arrived, Bullock complained about being forced to clean the home at gunpoint.

"This man had the nerve to raise sand about us making him clean up the mess he made in my house," she said. "The police officer laughed at him when he complained and said anybody else would have shot him dead."

Capt. Huey Thornton, a police spokesman, said police arrested Bullock at 2 p.m. Tuesday on burglary and theft charges. He was being held in the Montgomery County Detention Facility on a $30,000 bond.

"The victims were lucky in this case to be able to catch the suspect in the act and hold him until police arrived," Thornton said.

[sassie05]

He'll probably file a law suit!

[pentachris]

We Alabamians know how to handle burglars! :D

Man Forced To Mow Lawn At Gunpoint Gets 20-Year Prison Sentence
POSTED: 7:12 p.m. EST February 7, 2004
UPDATED: 1:44 a.m. EST February 11, 2004


OXFORD, Ala. -- A convicted burglar sentenced in Calhoun County to 20 years in prison this week as a repeat offender had an unusual run-in with his victim.

The victim, Richard Bussey, says he drove up to his father's rural residence last summer and found a man loading furniture and other items into a pickup truck.

Bussey held a gun on the would-be thief and ordered him to return the furniture. Bussey didn't have a telephone, so he made 45-year-old Roy Andrew Gendron mow the lawn with a push mower until he could think of a plan to alert authorities.

Bussey ultimately took Gendron's driver's license and turned it in to police.

Assistant District Attorney Brian McVeigh says Gendron had been arrested 19 times and was on parole when Bussey caught him.

At sentencing Tuesday, Circuit Judge Samuel Monk says the case stands out for its comical twist, calling it "one of the better ones."

And McVeigh says if he ever gets in that situation, "I'll try to get some yard work out of the guy."

WayBack Machine Link (http://web.archive.org/web/20040226005442/http://www.local6.com/news/2830379/detail.html)

[PrntRhd]

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back."

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter,

and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back$1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at Mc D's.



IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of

the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

>From Kingman , KS .




IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
>From Kansas City




IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.




IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS




IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon, for an old and dear coworker, as she was leaving the company due to "downsizing."

Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."

Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.



IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.



IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi

[Sylvander]

Classic, kids you gotta love em!!! :)

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.

After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"


MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."


STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."


BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.

Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"


SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."


DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"


MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his

dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"


CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"


JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... This particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me And asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

[sassie05]

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK!

1. Open a new folder on your computer.

2. Name it "Hillary Clinton" (or your choice)

3. Send it to the trash.

4. Empty the trash.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary
Clinton ?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel Better?

8. Tomorrow we'll do Ted Kennedy. (or your choice)

[PrntRhd]

A man in a hot air balloon gets lost. He lowers his altitude and shouts at a man on the ground, "Hello, sir! Can you tell me where I am?"

"Certainly," the man replied, "you are in a hot air balloon, approximately 50 feet off the ground."

"Thank you," said the man in the balloon, "and may I venture to guess you are an engineer?"

"Why, yes I am," said the astonished man on the ground, "How did you know that?"

"Because you gave me an answer that is empirically derived, completely correct, and utterly useless to me!"

"Ah, then you must be a manager," guessed the man on the ground.

"Yes, I am," replied the balloonist, "How did you know that?"

"Because you have no idea where you are or where you're going, you got into that predicament yourself, but somehow you think it's my fault!"

[gracious]

Recently I purchased and installed Horse 1.0.
I soon noticed that this program appears to have numerous glitches. For instance, every time my computer boots up, I have to run Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. Many times I've been in the middle of writing an important document, and a window will flash telling me to run Clean Stall 2.0. This program also contained applications I did not wish to install, such as Manure 8.5, however they auto-installed with Horse 1.0.

Applications such as Vacation 2.7 and Free Time 10.1 can no longer run, crashing whenever selected. Possibly the worst is that Horse 1.0 has attached itself to programs like Finance Manager and MS Money, with folders added such as "Monthly Shoeing" and "Winter Blanket". Periodically, I'll get a reminder telling me to send a check to the manufacturer of Horse 1.0 for the aforementioned items.

I have tried to uninstall Horse 1.0 numerous times, but when I try to run the uninstall program, I get warning messages telling me that a deadly virus known as "Withdrawal" will infect my system. Please Help!!!!!

THE REPLY:

Dear User,

Your complaint is not unusual. A common misconception among users is that Horse 1.0 is a mere "utilities and entertainment program." It is not - it is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its' creator to run everything!

A warning will soon be imprinted on the box. Since you have already installed Horse 1.0, here are a few tips on how to make it run better. If you are annoyed by the applications Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1, you may run C: \HIRE HELP, however this will cause another folder to be added to financial applications, labeled "Staff". Failure to send payment to "Staff" will result in Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1 being run again on startup.

A note of caution: NOT booting up your computer for several days isn't the solution to avoiding Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. You will find that, when you boot up your computer again, a nasty virus called "Colic 4.2" will have attached itself to important documents and the only way to rid your computer of Colic 4.2 is by purchasing and installing "Vet 10.1", which we admit is extremely expensive, but crucial. Otherwise, Colic 4.2 will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Finally, it is important that you run C:\Carrots and C:\Scratch Ears on a fairly regular basis to keep the application running smoothly. If you have any more questions, please call our toll free number.

Sincerely,

Tech Support







Here also is a Quarter Horse for sale:


http://llnw.content.jibjab.com/content/937b70b135890717c0825a1b380a7d315f67c723:D :D

[George Hallam]

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!
>
> Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
> Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
> Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
> Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Samsung Electronics
> Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
> Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
> Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
> Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> RAC Motoring Services
> Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
> Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
> 'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Directory Enquiries
> Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
> Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
> Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
> Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
> Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
> 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
> Customer: 'OK'.
> Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
> Customer: 'No'.
> Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
> Customer: 'No'.
> Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
> Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
> Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------
> There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
> Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
>
> Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
> Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
> Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
> Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
> Operator: 'Went away?'
> Caller: 'They disappeared.'
> Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
> Caller: 'Nothing.'
> Operator: 'Nothing??'
> Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
> Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
> Caller: 'How do I tell?'
> Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
> Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
> Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
> Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
> Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
> Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
> Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
> Caller: 'I don't know.'
> Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
> Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
> Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
> Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
> Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
> Caller: 'No.'
> Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
> Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
> Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
> Caller: 'I can't reach.'
> Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
> Caller: 'No.'
> Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
> Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
> Operator: 'Dark??'
> Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
> ' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
> Caller: 'I can't.'
> Operator: 'No? Why not??'
> Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
> Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
> Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
> Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
> Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.

Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
> Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
> Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
> Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
> Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

[Whyzman]

Samsung Electronics
> Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
> Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
> Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
> Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
>Caller: Okay, I'm now pointing to the telephone and nothing is happening.

[Ajmukon]

see the link in my sig.

the Word perfect one is better, but it this one is LIVE!

[Sylvander]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even
have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

[Sylvander]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
[Hardly seems worth it. :( ]

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
[Now that's more like it! :) ]

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
[O.M.G !:eek: ]

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
[In my next life, I want to be a pig. :) ]

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. [Creepy.]
[I'm still not over the pig.]

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
[Don't try this at home, maybe at work.]

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
[Honey, I'm home. What the...?!]

The flea can jump 350 time s its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
[30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?]

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
[What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond? :confused: ]

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
[I still want to be a pig in my next life ...quality over quantity]

Butterflies taste with their feet.
[Something I always wanted to know...NOT!]

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. [If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?]

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
[Okay, so that would be a good thing.]

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
[I wonder who was paid to figure that out?]

An ostrich' s eye is bigger than its brain.
[I wonder if there are some people like that?]

Starfish have no brains
(Or people like that?)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.
In other words, send it to everyone !
(Love that PIG)

[FTT]

Rerun season already? I posted this in post #380 (http://www.pcguide.com/vb/showpost.php?p=182547&postcount=380) quite some time ago.
(But I wonder how the pig is doing these days..) ;)

[Sylvander]

That was way back in 2004!

You're like my wife... :eek:

She remembers things from decades ago. :) :( :confused:

[George Hallam]

hahaha i really like that one :D

good find ;)

a pig cross lion cross dolphin would be one happy guy :p

[George Hallam]

FTT i have just notcied why do you have two PC guide names FTT and Fruss Tray Ted

[Sylvander]

How often is this one true?

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.
By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.
I’ve been blind since birth, so, I can’t see where I’m going.
In fact, since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am."

It’s quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.
Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you’ll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you’re covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you’ve helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked...
"Well, you’re smooth and slippery and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.....

I’d say you must be a team leader, supervisor or probably someone in senior management." :D

[Sylvander]

Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Shuie, are sitting in the Farmers bar, drinking beer. Tam turns to Shuie and says, 'Ye ken fit? I'm tired o'gan through life withoot an education. I'morn, I think I'll go doon
to the community college and sign up for some classes.'

Shuie thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the Lecturer, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Tam says. 'Fit's at?'

The Lecturer says, 'I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?'

'Aye'

'Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a Garden.'

'That's true, I dee huv a Garden.'

'I'm not done,' the Lecturer says. 'Because you have a Garden, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Aye, I dee huv a hoose.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'I huv a femily.'

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.'

'Yer nae wrang!! I dee huv a wife!!'

'And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazin'!! You were able to find a' that oot, jist 'cos I huv a strimmer.'

Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturers's hand and leaves to meet Shuie at the pub. He tells Shuie about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History and Logic.

'Logic?' Shuie says, 'Fit's at?'

Tam says, 'I'll show ye. Do you huv a strimmer?'

'No.'

'Well then, yer a poof.'

[Sylvander]

LIFE IN THE 1500's

Here are some facts about the1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water.

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor.

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
[I discovered when doing my family tree, at least one family that I can remember where the father and a son living in the same house both died of "Dropsy" (chronic lead poisoning). This was in the late 1800's!]

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer.

[Variable]

These "facts" sounded silly to me. I think it is a chain email.

http://historymedren.about.com/od/dailylifesociety/a/bod_intro.htm

[PrntRhd]

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or
balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep
you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your
wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are
you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume
and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the
balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking,
there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

[Sylvander]

Got this just now from one of the Australian male descendants of my wife's ancestors [he's her 2nd cousin], with whom I'm in regular contact :) :
The ancestor who went to Australia in 1911 was my wife's father's father's older brother born 1868. :)

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started, and we all have unfinished projects etc.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies , tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in Ned ov inr pece.

Luv, me.

[Sylvander]

My wife...
Who well knows of my deep interest in Genealogy...
Just now sent this to me in an email.
Isn't that terribly sweet of her?

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my own following genealogical efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.
REMEMBER: LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE.

[Whyzman]

Sylvander,

I am also aware of 3 adopted children, Same, Olde, and Daily. Same and Olde Schitt were identical twins. To help tell them apart the first born was named Olde.

Daily Schitt achieved his Phd and was a Consitutional scholar. Although brilliant, Daily was always remembered by those close to him as a regular kinda guy.

Every family has their skeletons in the closet. It appears that Thiss Schitt was intentionally dumped from the list. A son of Fulla, Thiss was a well known prevaricator. The question on everybody's mind was always "Can you believe Thiss Schitt?"

[Sylvander]

Having read your posting, I immediately phoned my wife to let her know of this omission from her copy of the Schitt family tree. :(

She requested that I immediately forward this vital information to her in an email, and she will update her information accordingly. :)

Did I detect stifled laughter in the background I wonder? :confused:

[Whyzman]

Did I detect stifled laughter in the background I wonder? :confused:I know it's bad form to laugh at one's own jokes, but I was chuckling after I reread my findings... :p

[drafonerity]

don;t know if this can joke someone up a little but

some people leave a camera right on my toilet ceiling to listen to what I talk on the phone with any incoming or outcomcing calls. ALL OVER :D
I am sure that is a statistics !?!?!

Sometimes when someone calls me out for a job, I always think its what people setup and blur it before me the other way via messages

[Sylvander]

Here's a little poem composed in the Scottish vernacular about Maureens' husband "big" Robert [unusually tall] who suffered a stroke and had to be rushed to hospital.
He's doing much better now. :)

There are no spelling mistakes in this; it's intended to be spelled this way. :)

Safely Ower the Fence!

Noo Maureen wan day the ither week
Felt Big Rab was kinda seick
She phoned 999 – her tale to tell
“He’s lying’ like a hoerse that’s fell!”

So when the vets came rushin’ roon’
“Wi’ wan look they a’ did swoon!
“Haw, Missus – hope ye know this isnae fair
Are we supposed tae get him doon the stair?”

“Well, Missus, Ah hope this is juist a bluff
For there’s no’ a hoerse box big enough
Tae get this bugger oot o’ here
Tae get him treated somewhere near!”

At length they got him doon the stair
Like hell’s fire went to get him care
Frae some skilled vet as it transpires
In a special stall in Hairmyres!

Like heidless chickens did they run
Till every test it was dune
Maureen – each wan sincerely thankit
And covered Rab wi’ a nice clean blanket!!

At length the chief vet showed his face
Tae speak tae Rab face-tae-face
“Noo are there ony questions needin’ askit?”
“Aye” says Rab “Whau won the 3 o’clock at Ascot?”

[PrntRhd]

A duck walks into a bar and asks, “Got any crackers?”

The bartender says, “No.”

The duck walks out, but he walks in the next day and asks, “Got any crackers?”

The bartender says, “No.”

The duck walks out, but he walks in the following day and asks, “Got any crackers?”

The bartender says, “I told you yesterday and the day before that no! And if you ask that one more time I’ll nail your beak shut!”

The duck walks out again, but he returns the next day and asks, “Got any nails?”

The bartender says, “No.”

The duck says “Good. Got any crackers?”

[Whyzman]

Sylvander, for some reason I just couldn't let Thiss Schitt pass by without scoping things out a bit further. A bit more probing and...

At first I thought it was just another, "Can you believe Thiss Schitt?" However, he directed me to some old city newspapers, where lo and behold I found Summor Schitt. And then, even Mor Schitt turned up, her monozygotic (identical) twin.

Now, if that's not bizzare enough, Mor and Summor (2 & 3 lbs respectively) were actually part of a triplet birth. Also pushed out with these two little Schitts, was a dizygotic twin, born weighing 12 lbs...this would be Alotta Schitt.

I haven't been able to determine how exactly they fit into the family tree yet, but for sure you can add them to your Schitt list.

[edit] Oh, right...I forgot Tutaka Schitt. My wife just reminded me. I'm under a lot of pressure right now to finnish a job already in the works, but I'll get back to you as soon as I'm able with the details...

[Whyzman]

I found some info on Goode Schitt, an agronomist, who lobbies for the medicinal use of marijuana.

Also, it appears there's some royalty in the family. I wasn't able to determine which country, but there's plenty of references to King Schitt.

Tuff Schitt left home early, living here and there with a friend named Biffy, but seems to have often put up with a Alotta Schitt, his mom.

There was a creek named after the family that flowed through their communal property. Many are familiar with the mishap of Deep and Dip Schitt who tipped over their canoe. They were lost for a whole weekend up Schitt Creek without a paddle, a story even today allegorized with similar fiascoes.

That's it for now...

[Sylvander]

First chuckle of the day. :)

This gets more funny as you add to it.

Best funnies are...
Good and his marijuana.
Tuff and his friend named Biffy.
Alotta his mum.
Deep & Dip.
The creek and the paddle.

The more intricate the more funny. :D

[Sylvander]

Nominated for the world's best short joke:

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

[123456]

Sylvander, I love that one!

[sassie05]

Oldie! Don't know if it's been posted here before?
But...
Old Harold

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold............

[mjc]

NOAH


In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed...

I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

[George Hallam]

watch from 3:35 the funniest thing i have seen in a while from [IMO] one of the funniest comedy show around

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8l9mT32P3Q

[mjc]

Whyz, don't forget the Schitt who would always go into town after some item, never remembering what, though. Even though the local shop keepers never knew his first name, the came to recognize him as 'the same Schitt, different day.'

There also seems to be a branch of the Schitt clan that settled in wilds of West Virginia, as I discovered in the local cemetery, a gravestone belonging to one Noe Schitt. No information was given, except a date of death, 1863. The epitaph read, "The sky is blue. It is dark at night. The rain is wet...Noe Schitt." I am assuming that it is a list of Noe's favorite sayings...

[123456]

Here's a good one.

http://josh.footboot.net/archives/cereal_port.jpg

[123456]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/fb147.jpg?w=500&h=375

[mjc]

So, without getting a shot of the laptop's screen, it is pretty worthless. The Intel Mac notebooks, were for a while, the best/fastest Vista laptops around...

[George Hallam]

....or just a simple job on photoshop

[Whyzman]

mjc, I just found reference to another...Pila Schitt who is closely related to Loda Schitt. Apparently, Pila was a trapper and author who wrote Mounds in the Field, the definitive work on ridding your lawn of gophers. I believe the books are yet available through the publisher, Squatt & Leavit.

My research unearthed two more, Badd and Nastie. Badd Schitt spent most of his life in prison. "Such a waste," people were known to say about him.

Nastie Schitt started a septic cleaning business. As with most under capitalized startup companies, Nastie started out in the hole and often complained how badly his business sucked. It appears that Nastie took on Kneedeep N. Schitt as a partner.

[PrntRhd]

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

---

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

[jerkto]

I agree George, Wliia is definitely one of the funniest shows.

So are some of the japanese game shows:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1sAHNtc07dU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ll2kajMH2u0

Male bathroom etiquette video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzO1mCAVyMw

[FrankSG]

A drunk got on a bus and sat next to a lady. The drunk looked at the lady and said, "Lady, you are the ugliest woman that I have ever seen!" She replied, "Well!--you are the drunkest man that I've ever seen!" He said,"Yes, but I'll be alright in the morning."

[Legolewinsky]

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

Halfway!

[Legolewinsky]

Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, lik e Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have noidea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an a nswer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or
motor sports


1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[Sylvander]

Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson
& Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins:

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.'

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times:
'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson'.

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

..........And remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old/young sour fart, and maybe you should go and work for Johnson & Johnson!!!!!

[Whyzman]

Here I though arrears just meant that you were behind in a house payment...I didn't realize it was a job description! :p

[awaj]

So, I play this online game, and read AJMukon a sentence from it and he insisted that I post it on here:

You stop to listen to a hobo playing a soulful old blues tune on a battered tin harmonica. He's pretty good, though the chorus, in which he tries to beat you up and take your wallet, leaves a little something to be desired.~50-Tooth Gunther, the Sneak Thief from the Kingdom of Loathing, an online RPG game that's worth taking a look at...

[reddragon]

electric fence
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well"

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.

He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about forty minutes.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing I've got to ask them what their secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[Ajmukon]

* Friend: "I heard about this thing called 'Linux'."
* Me: "Oh, I use Linux."
* Friend: "What is it?"
* Me: "An operating system."
* Friend: "Like Firefox?"

One user -- a regular caller of ours -- got herself into some serious computer trouble when she set about cleaning up her system. She had been exploring the hard drive in the file manager and discovered hundreds of files in the Windows directory with all different file extensions. Being of an orderly mind, and with several hours of free time, she had created a TXT folder, a COM folder, a DLL folder, and so forth, and moved all the files into these subdirectories.

note: not me. found here:
http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid/cs_os.shtml

[david eaton]

Fed up with errors that don't really mean anything? Then try this link (http://www.jibjab.com/view/41520)

[Sylvander]

The Religion of a Bra:

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color, and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'

Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple. ...

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!...

Almost forgot the German bra:
Holtzemfromfloppen.

[david eaton]

A married woman and her friend were out playing golf one day when their game carried over a little late. In a panic the woman told her friend "Oh, no I have to cook my husband dinner and have it on the table when he gets home or he'll have a raging fit." So they ended their game and the woman rushed home and scrambled to find something to eat.

She wasn't able to locate anything that she could fix in time for her husbands arrival so she found a can of catfood and mixed it up with some egg whites and put it on a plate with some asparagus and garnish to make it look attractive and set it out for her husband.

Her husband came in and sat down and began to devour the meal saying "This is absolutely wonderful! " "This is the best meal you have ever made for me"

So after this the woman would just make the same catfood dish whenever she would play golf with her friend and she told her friend about it who said "You can't keep feeding him catfood, you'll kill him" Sure enough two weeks later the husband died.

When the two met up again the friend told the married woman "See, I told you he would die from eating that catfood" to which her friend replied "Oh no, he didn't die from eating the catfood, he fell off the windowsill while he was licking his butt"

[Sylvander]

Tough Love vs. Spanking

Most of the UK's populace think it improper to spank children, so when they were younger I tried other methods to control my kids when they had one of 'those moments.'

One that I found effective was for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's th e time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids would usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

I've included a photo below in the post that follows this of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique. :D
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[Sylvander]

Here's the photo!

ONLY JOKING!
.

[66miranda]

Interesting...

[awaj]

you've never done it? ;) (I am only joking, I could get in a lot of trouble if I was serious because I do work with kids...)

[david eaton]

So you have a left hand drive car do you Sylvander?

[Sylvander]

Are you assuming I have always lived in the UK? ;)
Or lived in the UK at that time?

I wondered if anyone would notice and nit-pick!

Shssss.
If I whisper this to you...
Don't tell anyone.
[It's only a joke, so you need to suspend disbelief]

[Sylvander]

Paddy Murphy was sent on his way to Heaven.

Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Paddy at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry Paddy' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's all right said Paddy. 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just 3 Questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked Paddy.

'The first' said St Peter, ' Is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?

The second is: How many seconds are there in a year?

The third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?

Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So Paddy went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon Paddy and asked if he had considered the questions, to which Paddy replied, 'I have.'

'Well then, 'said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

Paddy said, 'today and tomorrow.'

St. Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then Paddy, could I have your answer to the second of the three

questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

Paddy replied, 'Just 12!'

'Only 12?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure Paddy?'

'Easy' said Paddy, 'there's the second of January, the second of February right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at Paddy and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later St Peter returned to Paddy. 'I'll allow the answer to stand Paddy, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now Paddy, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

Paddy replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer, Paddy?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy' said Paddy.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.
Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to Paddy, asked 'Paddy, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said Paddy...
'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his Billy boiled.'

And Paddy entered Heaven...

[Ajmukon]

How about this one:
as reported in the courant
Police say a thief apparently grew bored with his work early Friday and fell asleep beneath a car as he tried to remove the catalytic converter.

An employee at A&M Towing on Tolland Street noticed feet sticking out from beneath a car in the business' fenced-in parking lot and called police. Officer Jason Cohen arrived to find Gary J. Gaudet, 50, of 94 Columbus St., beneath the car sawing wood, but no longer sawing the catalytic converter off the car.

Cohen woke Gaudet, who quickly admitted he had climbed over a fence and was cutting the converter off when he fell asleep, police said. Gaudet was charged with possession of burglary tools, trespassing and attempted sixth-degree larceny. He was held on $10,000 bail and was to be arraigned this morning in Superior Court in Manchester.

http://www.courant.com/news/local/hc-copdigbrf1025.art2oct25,0,4771634.story

[Sylvander]

Test for Dementia

Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question.
You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.
OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!!

First Question:
You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?

Answer:
If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.
Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic!
Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?

Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right...
....Maybe

Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters:
1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... :)

[mjc]

For some reason, Sylvander, as I read those questions, I heard the voice of Anne Robinson saying them...including the sarcastic remarks.

[Sylvander]

Woohooowooohooo! :)

Whatever turns you on is OK by me. ;)

And do you picture her in black leather with whips and chains? :D

[mjc]

Woohooowooohooo! :)

Whatever turns you on is OK by me. ;)

And do you picture her in black leather with whips and chains? :D

Now, that would be scary...

[Sylvander]

THINGS THOSE OF THE FEMININE GENDER SAY WHEN STRESSED AT WORK?
[And sometimes at home too?]

1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Un**** you!!!"

2. "You say I'm a b!tch like it's a bad thing?!"

3. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"

4. "Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"

6. "Do I look like a f@cking people person!"

7. "This isn't an office/home. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"

9. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose."

10. "Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control."

12. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."

13. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

15. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't gone to sleep yet."

16. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."

17. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."

18. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."

19. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

20. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality."

21. "Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done."

23. "You look like sh!t. Is that the style now?"

24. "Earth is full. Go home."

25. "Aw, did I step on your poor, little bitty ego?"

26. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."

27. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

28. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."

29. "If a$$holes could fly, this place would be a freakin airport."

30. "You realize speaking to me before I've had my morning coffee is a VERY bad idea!"

[PrntRhd]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the
cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a
peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected
that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in
the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den
watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under
all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I
became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd
both still be alive.

[Sylvander]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving
my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more
than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I
got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbour's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbour's
daughter is 22.

We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down
and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six
months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his
job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly
depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him
the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to
counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

________________________________


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and
hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none
of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump
itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps :)

Walter

[Sylvander]

Scottish wiles:

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough'.

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas
- and they're paying their own way.' :D

[PrntRhd]

LOL Sylvander, a good one.
:D

[PrntRhd]

9 months later


Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

[PrntRhd]

Warning adult content:


"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,” Said the madam.

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40”s or early 50”s. "May I help

you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,” Said the madam.

“No. I must see Valerie,” was the man’s reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive, and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked.

The man replied, “South Carolina.”

“Really?” she said. “I have family in South Carolina.”

“I know,” the man said “Your father died, and I am your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[PrntRhd]

A middle-aged woman

Seemed sheepish as she

Visited her gynecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor,

'you've been seeing me for years!

There's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange...'

'Let me be the judge of that,'

The doctor replied.

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again,

Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters!
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!, she implored,

'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynecologist put a comforting
Hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'

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'You're simply going through the change!
:p

[Legolewinsky]

one day in april two horses are born, a black one and a white one. the rancher has his 5 year old daughter name them, so she names them Blackie and Whitie. as the horses grow, they both turn out to be great race horses, and grow to be friends because of it, then rivals. they would race each other around the barn and the pastures, but neither one ever had a clear victory, and when they did, the other would train harder to get himself a clear victory the next time. so when they come of age the rancher sells them to two different people, and they say their good byes. so they are separately training, not expecting to ever see the other again, when their first race comes along their both there. they have a happy reunion and realize that their owners have entered them both into the same league, and will be racing for the rest of the year. they also realize that their owners were bitter rivals, and were both worried about the other ones horse beating theirs. with a chuckle about that, Whitie and Blackie went to their starting positions. as the race starts, Whitie's owner yells encouraging things like "do your best, your only as good as you know you are!" but Blackie's owner yells profanities and vicious threats about what will happen if he doesn't win. so they start off, and their both doing great with all the other horses behind them. they win in a tie for first, against all odds the finish was to close for their cameras to make a clear decision about the winner. so they congratulate each other and happily go back home. this only encourages them to train harder to beat the other the next time. as you may know, jockeys are typically superstitious people, and follow crazes and trends of things to help their horse do better. it just so happens that this year the trend was to read of the other horses and their times, as a way to help the horse know about the competition. every time they would read the other ones name, they would smile to themselves and think about how they would beat the other the next time. well anyway, they keep racing, either draw or switching close victories when they finally get into the Kentucky Derby. they both train incredibly hard, working and pushing themselves so they can win. by the time the date rolls around, they had all the contestants memorized, and knew exactly what to do to beat them. as they were having their usual pre-race chat, they notice a horse nobody has seen before. a Grey horse, who was a mysterious last minute entry, which is why he wasn't on any of the jockeys programs that they were telling their horses. they go up to him and ask him what his name is, but he doesn't say anything. they ask the other horses about him and they all say he didn't respond to them either. so they start the race, the horse still hasn't ever said anything, and the owners do their usual thing of yelling nice things to Whitie and insults to Blackie. they are both neck and neck as usual and a prominent lead above any others when the Grey horse comes out of nowhere and beats them both by a hair. they are both shocked and try to congratulate him after the race, but he still says nothing. but now, he scoffs an snickers at them when they try to talk to him. so Blackie and Whitie are walking along together after the race. and they are talking about how they never would have expected a newcomer to get this far, and they start to get depressed about how much time and effort they put into beating each other when he was going to win. they are getting more and more depressed when Blackie says "wait a sec, we were racing for each other, what does it matter who won, we are still friends and we worked hard" "yeah" Whitie replied "but I'm parched, care to go get a drink?" "well, i suppose" said Blackie reluctantly. now happy and optimistic about the coming year, they both walk into a bar, and the bartender says "why the long face?"

I got that one from a friend of mine. Best joke ever.

[nummayomnom]

hahahahha!! Legolewinsky, that joke made me really laugh!:D

[Sylvander]

Things that make women jealous of men, NUMBER ONE:

-----------------------------------------------------
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack..
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet..
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache..

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes..

No wonder men are happier. :(
----------------------------------

[jlreich]

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes..
Been there done that. Arrive at the mall at 9am, out before 10 when things start to get hairy. Home before the traffic gets bad. :p :D

[PrntRhd]

NOTE FROM A BLONDE

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a
call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that
the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid
for them yet. Helllooooo? Now just because I'm blonde
doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just
exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last
year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves. "Helllooooo?" (I told him). "It's been a year!" There
was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung up. He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about
forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a
blonde again...

[PrntRhd]

Arguing with women:

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up.
Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks -- this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you
take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five minutes" and end with "Fine."

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she
cools off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

[PhilXP]

For some reason I can't stop laughing. I think It has something the fact I stayed up til 7:30AM and slept until 10:30AM. Some people when they don't get much sleep get cranky. The exact opposite happens to me. I can;t stop laughing

[sassie05]

If you receive an email
from the
Department of Health
telling you not to eat
canned pork
because of
swine flu............
Ignore it.
It's just Spam.

[jlreich]

OK, that was really corny, but it did make me smile at least. :p

[Whyzman]

That is the epitome of canned laughter!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laugh_track

[PrntRhd]

The Blonde's Cruise Diary

DEAR DIARY: DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice.

[Sylvander]

One dark night in the small town of Garfield , NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory.

In a blink the building was engulfed in flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will donate $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out and delivers them to me.'

But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off.



Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian fire-fighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian fire-fighters, passed all the fire engines parked outside the plant ........

........ and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance that was as if they were fighting to save their own lives.



Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian fire-fighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film.

The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief,

'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa uppa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'

[PrntRhd]

For all you married men out there...

He Says - She Says

A MAN is a person who, if a woman says, “Never mind, I’ll do it myself,” lets her.

A WOMAN is a person who, if she says to a man, “Never mind, I’ll do it myself,” and he lets her, gets mad.

A MAN is a person who, if a woman says to him, “Never mind, I’ll do it myself,” and he lets her and she gets mad says, “Now what are you mad about?”

A WOMAN is a person who, if she says to a man, “Never mind I’ll do it myself,” and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, “Now what are you mad about?” says, “If you don’t know I’m not going to tell you.”

[PrntRhd]

WARNING*****
Just got scammed outta $25!

Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My favorite 18 holes".

Turns out it's about golf.

Pass this on so others don't get scammed too.

[123456]

Wahahahaha.

[Sylvander]

Excerpt from: The Diary of a Londoner living in the Scottish Highlands.


OUR FIRST WINTER

19th December
It started to snow today! The first of the season, and the very first we have seen for years.
The wife and I took our hot toddies out onto the porch and watched the fluffy soft snowflakes gently drift from the sky, leaving a twinkling diamond-like dusting on the trees and the law. It is so beautiful and peaceful here.

20th December
We awoke delighted to find a beautiful blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering the land as far as the eye can see.
What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush is now adorned with a lovely mystical cotton wool covering, sparkling as if sent from heaven itself.

24th December
I shovelled now for the first time ever today and loved it! I cleared both our driveway and the whole of the pavement outside our house and the house next door.
Later on, a snowplough came past and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver gave a big wave and smiled as he went past, I waved back and then shovelled the driveway clear again.
The children next door built a snowman, with coal for its eyes and a carrot for its nose, they then had a snowball fight. A couple of snowballs just missed me and hit the car, I threw a couple back and joined in the fun.


26th December
It snowed an additional 5inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes have snapped due to the weight of the snow.
I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did the same trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish grey.

2nd. January
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon turned into ice as the temperature dropped again.
Bought snow tyres for both cars.
Fell on my arse in the driveway and went to casualty, luckily nothing broken!

4th January
Still cold! Had another 8 inches of white ****e last night.
Sold the wife's car the other day and bought a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and caused considerable damage to the right wing. Both the vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush.
The bastard snowplough came by twice today! Wheres the bloody shovel?

6th January
More f------ snow! Not a tree or a bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power off most of the night.
Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and paraffin heater, which then tipped over and nearly torched the house!
Managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns to my hands, and lost all of my eyebrows and eyelashes.
Car hit a f------ deer on the way to casualty and was written off.


8th January
F------ bas***d white stuff keeps coming down! Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the postbox.
The little bas***ds next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back. I'll shove that carrot so far up that little arseoles arse, it'll take a surgeon hours to find it!
If I ever catch the arsehole that drives the snowplough, I'll rip open his chest and chew out his heart with my teeth!
I think the bastard hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling. He then accelerates down the street like Michael f------ Schumacher and buries the f------ drive again!


10th January
Sixteen more f------ inches of f------ snow, f------ ice, f------ sleet and God knows whatever other white ****e fell last night. Can't move my f------ toes, its so cold.
I'm due in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice pick
Haven't seen the sun for five weeks. Minus 20degrees, and more f------ snow forecast!!!

12th January
F--- this!! We're moving back to London.

[Sylvander]

A critic giving his criticism of Puppy Linux. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNqeZVL_ZHE&feature=player_embedded) :D

[Cuc Tu]

Here, I thought you were going to link to Paul's post...

[PrntRhd]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"

[LouieLouie]

Freddy the Fish and Sam the Clam were the best of friends. They grew up together in the same South Sea lagoon. Then, one day, a huge storm stuck the island and both Freddy and Sam perished.
Freddy found himself in a long line of other sea creatures which did not survive the calamity but did not see Sam. When Freddy arrived at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter issued him a golden halo, wings and flowing gown, a harp and an IBM identity card which Freddy was instructed to keep pinned to his robe.
Freddy asked Saint Peter if Sam had gone in before him as he couldn't be found in the line. Peter checked the log and, with a long face, informed Freddy that Sam had been assigned to 'The Other Place'.
With tears in his eyes, Freddy explained how he and Sam were inseparateable friends and could he see Sam one last time to say goodbye? Peter instructed Freddy to follow the path to 'The Other Place' where he would find Sam. "Say your last goodbyes, but be back before the stroke of midnight... and be sure to return with all that I issued to you".
Freddy went down the path to 'The Other Place' and discovered Freddy tending bar at a discoteque. Sam was busy serving flaming drinks to a huge crowd. Freddy worked his way up to the bar and he and Sam spent quite a time swapping tales of all the days in the lagoon.
Looking up, Freddy saw the clock was only moments from midnight so he wished Sam well and ran up the long path towards the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter was there, waiting and tapping his foot. "You nearly didn't make it, Freddy. Do you have all the things I issued you?".
Freddy checked and, yes, there was his golden halo, wings and his flowing gown. Pinned to the gown was his IBM identity card but, he said to Peter with a long face.. "I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco"

[sassie05]

Coming to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet: AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting. MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:\>. Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus." Instead, it's an "electronic microorganism." Government Spokesman Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

[PrntRhd]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!!!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[sassie05]

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian goalkeeper personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to South Africa .



He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

[jlreich]

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
Sweet! Got a link? :p

[sassie05]

Naw, just reply by email

[LouieLouie]

Coming to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet: AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting. MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:\>. Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus." Instead, it's an "electronic microorganism." Government Spokesman Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

My system was infected by the IBM Virus.. all it does is tell you how great it's all gonna be.

[Whyzman]

I've got the BP virus...it just cannot stop gushing over itself

[123456]

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are in 3rd grade. Who has the biggest breasts?

The blond, cause she's 18.

[123456]

Sorry to double post, but I want to share a funny I made.

Cereal ATA: The wafer cereal that improves your memory! You'll be more alert and responsive!

[PrntRhd]

Modern Medicine

A woman went to the emergency room and was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"What in the world is wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children, several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?

[Sylvander]

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree.



Ees



Ees a ham bush....." :D ;)

[PrntRhd]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[smallvolume]

Woo~ good post! love this.

[123456]

What's a Linux user's favorite drink?

Root beer :D

[123456]

Two mathematicians are at a beach trying to figure out how the amount of suntan a person gets varies with the outside temperature. After various tests, they found that at 60 degrees F, they had a 7% suntan.
At 70 degrees F, it was a 15% suntan.
At 80 degrees, 23% suntan.
At 90 degrees, it went down to 0%.
For weeks, they were desperate to understand the results. Finally, the answer came to them.

"Of course!" one says to the other. "The tan of 90 degrees does not exist!"

[123456]

http://i.imgur.com/5dlxI.png

Comic I made.

[yawningdog]

Two couples were out playing Golf. One of the men tees off and slices the balll badly. The group left the fairway to find the ball and discovered it behind a barn. Frustrated, the man prepares to hit the ball back toward the tee to get back on the fairway.

Then the other man stops him. "Look. If you open the door to the barn, you can hit the ball right through the barn door and you have a clear shot at the pin." Encouraged, the man opens the barn door and hits the ball.

but his shot is bad and instead of going through the barn, it bounces off the side and hits his wife in the head and knocks her unconscious. Unable to revive her, they call an ambulance and rush her to the hospital. But the injury is too serious, and she dies.

About a year later, the man is playing the same course with some friends. On the same hole, he hits the same bad shot and the ball winds up next to the barn again. The man walks over to the ball and prepares to hit back toward the tee box.

Then one of his friends stops him. "Look. If you open the door to the barn, you can hit the ball right through the barn door and you have a clear shot at the pin."

"No way!" The man replies. "Last time I tried that, I shot a seven."

[PrntRhd]

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug!"

[123456]

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the centre line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no... not the Breathalyzer again!"

[123456]

So this man came into a bar and sat at the bar in front of the bartender. The bartender asked "what'll you have?"

The man instead asked if he could show the bartender something. The bartender said sure and the man then pulled out a little piano. The bartender said, "wow that's nifty." The man then pulled out a little piano bench to go with the piano. "That's cool," said the bartender. The man then pulled out a little man that was ten inches tall and sat him on the piano bench. The little man then started playing the piano.

"Wow," said the bartender. "Where'd you get him?"

The man that had entered the bar said," I found a lamp outside your bar and rubbed it and this genie popped out and gave me this."

The bartender asked the man to watch the bar for him while he stepped out to find the lamp. The bartender found the lamp, rubbed it and sure enough a genie popped out. The genie said he would grant him one wish so the the bartender asked for a million bucks. Suddenly there were a million ducks flying around everywhere. "That's lame, I asked for a million bucks not ducks." The bartender went inside and the man asked him if he found the lamp.

"Yes but when I asked for a million bucks there were a million ducks flying around instead. How'd you get what you want?"

The man at the bar asked, "Do you really think I asked for a ten inch pianist?"

[PrntRhd]

A car is pulled over by a traffic police officer.

Officer: Good afternoon, sir. You are a rare example of the driver who drives by the rules. For being a model driver, you have won a prize of $1000.

Driver: Thank you, officer. Finally, I have enough to buy my driver's license.

Wife (from the passenger seat): Don't listen to him, officer. He doesn't know what he's saying when he's drunk.

Father in law (from the back seat): I've told you we wouldn't get far in a stolen car.

[FTT]

Alzheimer's Test




How fast can you guess these words?







1. F_ _K

2. PU_S_

3. S_X

4. P_N_S

5. BOO_S

6. _ _NDOM









scroll down.......................

















































Answers:




1. FORK

2. PULSE

3. SIX

4. PANTS

5. BOOKS

6. RANDOM




You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?







Well, you don't have Alzheimers, but you are a pervert!

[123456]

Huh. I only got 5 wrong... I thought the last one was random not...

[123456]

http://i.imgur.com/EcWxg.png

[PrntRhd]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech and a Swiss man all walk into a bar, the bartender says...

Sorry, I cant let you in without a Thai.

[FTT]

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Johnny told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no darn bike!

[nolla]

you guys are hilarious···

[wombil]

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

[Cuc Tu]

So, how much coke was Charlie Sheen doing?

Enough to kill two and a half men...

[George Hallam]

So, how much coke was Charlie Sheen doing?

Enough to kill two and a half men...

I really like Charlie Sheen, think hes a legend.

Jokes funny though ;)

[FrankSG]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown
drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he
pointed out the location
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of
the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly
displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish....
On any land !!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you
understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw
the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big
Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed
likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety The officer
was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of
his lungs.....
Your badge, show him your BADGE........

[123456]

This one is a little gruesome, but funny.

A man was brought before the judge and charged with Necrophilia.
The judge said to the man, "In the 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:
first of all, it's none of your damn business...
second of all, she was my wife...
and third of all, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way in bed!"

[123456]

Children Are Quick
____________________________________

1. TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

2.TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

3. TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)
____________________________________________

4. TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

5. TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

6. TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

7. TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

________________________________
8 . TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....

______________________________________

9. TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

9. TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.



___________________________________

10.TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

My 8 year old cousin emailed me this one.

[123456]

They sneaked in lots of dirty jokes into kids shows when I was younger, especially shows of the late 80s-90s. Example:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RESMWmMt3gA#t=20s

EDIT: Found another. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14zNSfCrIFE

[PrntRhd]

A funeral service was being held for a woman who had just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pallbearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket.

They heard a faint moan.

They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive!

She lived for ten more years, and then died.

Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers were again carrying out the casket.

As they carried the casket towards the door, the husband cried out, “Watch that wall!”

[FTT]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for his client's clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. On and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. His wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged that night.

Finally realizing what a terrible day her husband must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over, naked, drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!?"

[123456]

Wahahaha, nice one FTT.

[PrntRhd]

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning until night (and sometimes later), she was always
complaining about something. The only time he got any relief
was when he was out plowing with his old mule.
He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch
in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down
on a stump and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began harassing him again.
Complain, nag, nag. It just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet,
caught her smack in the back of the head. It killed her
dead, on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed
something rather odd when a woman mourner would approach
the old farmer. He would listen for a minute, then nod his
head in agreement, but when a man mourner approached him, he
would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old
farmer about it.

So, after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer
and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the
women, but he always shook his head in disagreement with
all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and
say something about how nice my wife looked or how pretty
her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men"? the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[123456]

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b**** out the window."

[Cuc Tu]

The last two posts provide just the right balance...

[PrntRhd]

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, no! I'm in deep stuff now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says, "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

[123456]

One of my favorite Calvin & Hobbes comics.

http://multifamilyinvestor.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/calvin-hobbes-world-black-white-color.jpg

[123456]

Went to an Apple Store today since my mother is interested in a "small, light laptop." She wants a MacBook Air. Pushing her to get a netbook instead.

I did this to one of them and I talked to one of the guys there.
http://i.imgur.com/IbDzy.jpg

I told him "What's the point of buying a MBA if I can get a netbook for $700 less?"

"Well, you get the Mac User experience."

"That doesn't justify compromising compatibility and connectivity for ease of use... besides, if I wanted to buy a new copy of OS X it would be only $99 or maybe $199, still not justifying the price."

"You get Apple quality."

"I have a MacBook Pro and it's been great and reliable, but spending 3x the money for something that has the same purpose and nothing more doesn't make any sense to me."

He was speechless other than "Have a good night."

[Cuc Tu]

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess,

"Will you marry me?"

The Princess said NO!

The Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and hunted and raced cars and screwed skinny big tittied broads and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan and never heard complaining and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up .....

The end

[Cuc Tu]

Dear Tech Support,

Some years ago I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend. In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and House cleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate




Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears. Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember... over-use of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband. In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

[PrntRhd]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls"

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked...

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[Cuc Tu]

lolz......

[123456]

http://i.imgur.com/2ovw1.jpg

[Cuc Tu]

Is that a political joke?

[Cuc Tu]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".

"Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[123456]

Is that a political joke?

What politics?

[123456]

True story about me and a relative.

This morning in an airport, my 8 year old cousin was asking me why there are different levels of parking. I told her it's a game. Level 1 is for bad parkers, level 2 is for average ones and level 3 is reserved for the best parkers.

Then she asked "But what about the DO NOT ENTER sign?"
I told her, "That's game over."
Then she asks,"What about the Terminal exit?"

"Final boss."

[PrntRhd]

Here is one for Sylvander:

A Scotsman walks into bar in Canada and asks what kind of animal was hanging from the wall to which the barman replies "A moose".

The Scotsman replies "Jesus, what size are the cats over here"

[david eaton]

I went to the hardware store and bought a bath, fitted it and started to fill it to have a nice bath after a hard days work, didn't matter how much I turn on the water it wouldn't fill up, so I went back to the store and told the assistant what the problem was and his reply was, did you buy a plug? twat I said you never said it was electric.

[PrntRhd]

One day there was this farmer. He had 3 daughters and they each had a date on Saturday night.

The first date comes to the door. The farmer answers the door. The first date says "Hi I'm Joe. I'm here to take Flo to the show."

The farmer says "Sure. She will be right down." And Joe takes Flo to the show.

Soon the second date comes to the door. The date says "Hi I'm Lance. I'm here to take Nance to the dance."

The farmer says "Sure. She will be right down." And Lance takes Nance to the dance.

Finally the last date comes to the door. The date says "Hi, I'm Chuck."...

So the farmer shoots him...

[123456]

http://i.imgur.com/bexsx.png

True story.

[Cuc Tu]

So...that's why my state has passed legislation paving the way for 12-year old girls to get abortions and HPV vaccinations without the consent of their parents...

[123456]

So...that's why my state has passed legislation paving the way for 12-year old girls to get abortions and HPV vaccinations without the consent of their parents...

We're from America...

[Kaiser]

Heard about the boatload of Viagra that went down in Loch Ness and the monster came up ?

A man dashes into a bar and says to the Landlord - " I`ve got some bad news for you mate. My Pekingese has just killed your big Rottweiler ". The Landlord says " You`ve gotta be joking, my Rambo would eat a little mouse like that "
The guy said " Well, your Rambo tried, but he choked to death "

A guy parked his car in the Bronx the other day. A local kid came up and said, ‘A buck to mind your car for you mister?’
The guy said, ‘No! Bugger off, I don`t need you, there’s a Rottweiler in the back.’ The kid said: ‘Put out fires, can he?’

Two gay cowboys, one says " Yup" ? The other says " yep " !

Two old maids on a beach and a streaker ran past. One had a stroke, the other one couldn’t reach.

[michellebaker78]

Those are pretty funny

[Kaiser]

This is no joke, well at least for the Rooster.

http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab327/johnbull17/Cockfight.gif

TAKE THAT !!

[Sylvander]

WARNING!
-----------------------------------------------
If you don't like swear-words don't read this joke.
-----------------------------------------------
WARNING!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
This was sent me in an email from an Australian descendant of my wife's Scottish ancestors, with whom I'm in regular contact. :)
He's helping complete my education on all things Australian! :D
It's MUCH more funny with the swear-words included, not censored.
I'll try and see if replacements work.
Not so effective as the originals, but they'll do.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA


August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my new home.
I love it here.

September 13
Really heating up now.
It got to 31 today.
No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !!

September 30
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks.
No more mowing lawns for me!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
It's Paradise !

October 10
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's windy though.
Keeps the flies off a bit.
Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.

October 15
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday.
Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed three days off work.
What a dumb thing to do..
Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20
- Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.
By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.
The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shiite.
I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25
- This wind is a bastard.
It feels like a giant fecking blow dryer.
And it's hot as hell!
The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fecking Perth .....The wife & the kids are complaining.

October 30
- The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fecking air conditioner.
House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4
Finally got the fecking air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35.
Stupid repairman.
Fecking thief.

November 8
- If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?'
I'm going to fecking throttle him.
Fecking heat!
By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my fecking clothes are soaking wet and I smell like baked cat.
Fecking place is the end of the Earth.

November 9
- Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.
I thought my fecking arse was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my fecking arse.
Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.
Feck. feck. feck.

November 10
-- The Weather report might as well be a fecking recording..
Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny, Hot and fecking sunny.
It never fecking changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 fecking months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Feck!

November 15
- Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fecking place?
Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fecking pool.
The only things that thrive in this fecking hell-hole are the fecking flies.
You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!

November 20
- Welcome to HELL!
It got to 45 feckin' degrees today.
Now the air conditioner's gone in my car.
The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'
I wanted to shove the fecking car up his fecking arse.
Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick.
Fecking Karratha!
What kind of sick, demented fecking idiot would want to live here!

December 1
- WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!
You are fecking kidding me! :mad:

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[123456]

A grandfather was trying to explain to his grandson the importance of being self-sufficient:

"Even if you don't know how, know you can." Grampa said, "A long time ago, in the middle of winter, my furnace stopped working. I taught myself the workings of my furnace, diagnosed, and repaired it. It took me less than half a day and only cost me $15."

The grandson replied, "But why would you waste so much time when you could have just as easily called a professional to do it for you?"

"Well, you get a sense of accomplishment and a knowledge of something you can use for the rest of your life." Grampa continued, "Being handy can also help you 'get in' with the 'ladies'"

"How can being able to fix things help me get a girlfriend!?" asked the grandson.

"When I was older than you are now but much younger than I am now, I worked with a pretty woman. That woman was so pretty, I was too nervous to have a conversation with her beyond, 'how ya doing?', 'I'm fine, thanks.'"

"One day I asked her 'how she was do'n' and she told me she was 'trying to warm up', weather at the time wasn't very cold so I asked 'why are trying to warm up?"

"She explained her furnace had stopped working in the middle of the night and she hadn't been able to get warm since. I asked her to describe the problem and was able to determine she had a bad 'flame sensor'. I started to explain to her how to identify and remove the flame sensor when she interrupted, she wasn't any good with all of that 'stuff' and asked if I might be kind enough to come over and fix it for her."

"After work, I was in her driveway before she could let me in, she showed me the furnace, and I removed the flame sensor. I told her I'd have go to the hardware store to buy a new sensor, she told me not to get anything to eat, because she was going to make me dinner. I came back with a new sensor, fixed the furnace and had dinner with the girl that was too pretty to talk to."

"I dated her for quite awhile, eventually asked her to be my wife and she accepted. Unfortunately before we could be wed, she died...."

The grandson seemed disappointed, said "I'm sorry to hear that, i'm sure her death was tragic, but if you don't mind me asking, what happened?"

Grampa was quick, "Oh, her furnace exploded in the middle of the night, weird....."