The Best of..... Dilbert ;)

[tjaymadison]

From 911 -- credit Wakko

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:

1.. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

2.. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

3.. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager,United Parcel Service)

4.. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(No source given)

5.. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6.. "My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected."
(CIO of Dell Computers)

7.. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8.. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, Florists)

9.. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10.. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above."
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11.. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12.. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.

A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
(Taco Bell Corporation)

This is the winning quote:

13.. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond,WA.)

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"I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."
-- Charles Babbage, mathematician, computer pioneer, analytical engine designer (1791-1871)
-- (Question: 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?')

"Just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't understand."
-- Homer Simpson

[This message has been edited by tjaymadison (edited 06-19-2001).]

[jinn]

LMAO! That's good! I also like your Homer sig.

[yawningdog]

Former Philadelphia orchestra conductor Eugene Ormandy can give this list a contest. Some quotes.

"Who is sitting in that empty chair?"

"I guess you thought I was conducting, but I wasn't."

"Why do you always insist on playing when I'm trying to conduct?"

"It's not as difficult as I thought it was, but it is harder than it is."

"At every concert I've sensed a certain insecurity about the tempo. It's clearly marked 80... uh, 69."

"Did you play? It sounded very good."

"If you don't have it in your part, leave it out, because there is enough missing already."

"We can't hear the balance yet because the soloist is still on the airplane."

"With us tonight is William Warfield, who is with us tonight. He is a wonderful man and so is his wife."

"Bizet was a very young man when he composed this symphony, so play it soft."

"I never say what I mean, but I always manage to say somethng similar."

"Serkin was so sick, he almost died for three days."

"Let me explain what I do here. I don't want to confuse you any more than absolutely necessary."

"I don't mean to make you nervous, but unfortunately I have to."

"Relax. Don't be nervous. My God, it's the Philadlphia Orchestra."

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He thrusts his fists against the posts but still insists he sees the ghosts.