JOKES

[Sylvander]

Take my wife.

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburettor.
I asked where the car was.
She told me "In the lake."

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!"

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was "Always".

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

The last fight was my fault.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust"!

[pave_spectre]

"My wife on a carribean cruise"
"Jamaica"
"No she went of her own free will"

[Sylvander]

My wife keeps saying to me,

"FREE WILL!" "FREE WILL!"

But I'm not going to let him out of the basement until he agrees to behave himself!

[FrankSG]

A guy and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The guy said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two guys waiting out in my car waiting for us to go play gulf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the darn tooth and be done with it--I don't have time to wait for the aesthetic to work! The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness--this sure is a very brave man asking me to pull his tooth with out using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."

[gracious]

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So
what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

************************************************** *******************



A few months ago, when I was picking up the children at school, another mother I knew well rushed up to me.

Emily was fuming with indignation. "Do you know what you and I are?" she demanded. Before I could answer - and I didn't really have one handy - she blurted out the reason for her question.

It seemed she had just returned from renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office. Asked by the woman recorder to state her "occupation," Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the recorder, "Do you have a job, or are you just a ......?"

"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother."

"We don't list 'mother' as an occupation...'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high-sounding title, like "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."

"And what is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply popped out, "I'm...a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in mid-air, and looked up as though she had not heard right.

I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pompous pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what do you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field (normally I would have said indoors and out). I am working for my Masters (the whole darned family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it). "I am also involved in videography (camcorder at the birthday parties and soccer matches), and certain aspects of chemistry (Two ways to look at this: Fixing a decent meal, and making sure that my kids and their siblings, friends, and dates all get along, without getting along TOO well.) But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are in satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove into our driveway buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab Assistants---ages 13, 7, and 3. And upstairs, I could hear our new experimental model (six months) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt triumphant. I had scored a beat on bureaucracy. And I had gone down on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another......" Home...what a glorious career. Especially when there's a title on the door. I only wish I had my camcorder there to tape all that.

[pave_spectre]

Heck that must make me, Head of Torpidity Studies, Fiscal Incompatabilities and Object Non-Placement.

[FrankSG]

Gracious--I would give you an A+ for the way that you answered that women! It seems that these days, a mother's job is looked at as not being important. Personally, I think that raising children is one of the most important jobs in the world. I've seen too many cases where the father leaves it all to the mother to raise the children. And that's not good--that's very bad. So, for you mothers who do most of the work raising your children, I take my hat off to you!

[Sylvander]

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

Why do men have slits in their underwear?
So they can get oxygen to their brains.

What did god say after he made Adam?
"I can do better than that." then he made Eve.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

Why do men work harder than women?
Women get it done right the first time.

How many men does it take to make popcorn?
Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho and shake the stove.

[gracious]

And now....various views and opinions on why the chicken crossed the road:

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
JACK NICHOLSON: 'cause it f___in' wanted to. That's the f___in' reason.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes, and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road!
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chickenupon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

[pave_spectre]

Windows 2000 Chicken
Will cross the road in June.
No, August.
September for sure.

OS/2 Chicken
It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

Win 95 Chicken
You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like... chicken.

Microsoft Chicken (TM)
It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.

OOP Chicken
It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

Assembler Chicken
First it builds the road ...

C Chicken
It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken
The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.

VB Chicken
USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)

COM Chicken
IChicken::CrossRoad

Delphi Chicken
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.

Java Chicken
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side.
(Of course, those are chicklets)

Web Chicken
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Gopher Chicken
Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Newton Chicken
Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket!

ASP Chicken
The Chicken remains by the road side and creates temporary copies of its self when it needs to cross

WIN32 Chicken
class __declspec(dllexport) CrossRoad : public CHICKEN

Cray Chicken
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.

Quantum Logic Chicken
The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your course.

Lotus Chicken
Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do !

Mac Chicken
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.

Al Gore Chicken
Waiting for completion of NCI (Nation Chicken- crossing Infrastructure) and will cross as soon as it's finished, assuming he's re-elected and the Republicans don't gut the program.

COBOL Chicken
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE GO TO 0001- CHICKEN-CROSSING

.net Chicken
The Chicken runs around the highway system and can cross any road it likes

[bassman]

CRAY CHICKEN, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA

cause I'm sick that way I guess

[gracious]

More theories of why the chicken crossed the road:



Woody Allen:
I mean, it was, it was ... a legal chicken ... It wasn't like it was a blood relative or anything. (And don't believe anything that Mia says about me.)

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Roseanne:
Urrrrrp. What chicken?

Jack Benny:
I'm thinking. ... I'm thinking

James Cagney:
It crossed twice. The dirty double-crosser.

Albert Camus:
It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

John Cleese:
This Chicken is no more. It has ceased to function. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. It's a stiff. If it wasn't nailed to the road it'd be pushing up daisies. It's snuffed it. It's metabolic processes are now history. It's bleeding demised. It's rung down the curtain, shuffled off the mortal coil and joined the bleeding Choir Invisible. This is an Ex-Chicken. Ergo, it did not cross the road.

James Dean:
To prove he wasn't chicken.

Emily Dickenson:
Because it could not stop for death.

Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective):
I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.

Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Sherlock Holmes:
Do not concern yourself with the chicken that did cross the road; the answer lies with the chicken that did not cross the road.

Terry Jones:
This isn't a chicken license! It's a dog license with the word "Dog" crossed out and "Chicken" written in in crayon.

Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads. This brought such occurrences into being.

Immanuel Kant:
The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

Chico Marx:
It couldn't. It was a rubber chicken.

Groucho Marx:
Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.

Harpo Marx:
Honk! Honk! Honk!

Jackie Mason:
Whaddaya want, it should just stand there?

Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

George Orwell:
Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.

Pyrrho the Skeptic:
What road?

Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes the chicken crossed the road,
but why he crossed, I've not been told!

[pave_spectre]

This seems to have turned into a chicken joke thread but anyway heres some more.


Ayn Rand
A chicken's first duty is to itself. And only by living for itself is it able to achieve the things which are the glory of chickenkind. Such is the nature of achievement.

Tom Leykis
I cannot bee-LEEVE that women are SO shocked to hear that the reason the chicken crossed the road is because the rooster was trying to get into her pants!

Bill Gates
We own the road. We own the chicken. It's none of your damn business.

Dr Johnson:
Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have, you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the Need to resist such a public Display of your own lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.

Thomas de Torquemada
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Marcel Marceau

Louis Farrakkan
It wasn't one chicken, you lying white devils! It was TEN MILLION chickens!

[Abbadon]

I can't help but wonder what the cicken would have to say about all of this.

[pave_spectre]

Who cares what the chicken thinks? So long as we have wild and amusing theories about the chicken it should just mind its own business.
After all since the chicken is in the public eye that means we can say anything we want about it.

[Abbadon]

Can we? Can we realy? I believe that chickens are creatures with rights. A right to privacy, and a right to dignity. I don't see anyone making Pave_Spectre jokes here. I mean, supppose I did this:

Why did the Pave_Spectre cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken to ask it why it crossed the road!
(Which probably means the chicken crossed the road to get some peace and quiet for once)

Is this funny to you? I think not. Chickens are good and gentle creatures and should be treated with respect. I personally know many chickens who are actually AFRAID to cross the road these days. Frozen in terror they stand at the side of the road, filled with doubts:
"Why do I want to cross this road? What will people think of me if I do? Is it wrong to cross a road? Am I a pervert just for wanting to cross the road without knowing why?"

I hereby invite all chickens in the world to rise up against this kind of oppression. Chickens unite!





Anyway, that's just my 2 cents on this, you can go and make fun of them again now.

[pave_spectre]

OK back to poking fun at chickens...X-Files Chickens


Fox Mulder:
No government agency has jurisdiction over the chicken. The chicken is out there, Scully, and we will find it.

Dana Scully:
There is a logical, scientific explanation for the chicken crossing the road. We need more evidence.

Walter Skinner:
<teeth clenched> You've got 24 hours to find out why that @!!*@!@ chicken crossed the road!!!

CSM:
<blows puff of smoke>There was no chicken.

Alex Krycek:
Because he can't decide WHAT side he's really on.

Byers:
It was trying to escape the most heinous and evil force of the twentieth century.

Langly:
It was on its way to the grassy knoll, dude.

Frohike:
<snapping a photo> I don't know, but she's hot.

Bill Mulder:
It heard the words, and they made sense to it.... merchandise...fryer parts....

Mrs. Mulder:
I have told you that I don't remember any chicken.

Mrs. Scully:
I had a dream about the chicken being taken away....

Melissa Scully:
The chicken needed to get in touch with its inner self, to find the light and the good. It was in a very dark place...

Bill Scully, Sr.:
One day the chicken and I will be together again...

Bill Scully, Jr.:
Dana, you spend too much time worrying about chickens... for HIM? You should be home with your family!

Agent Pendrell:
To get Dana a birthday present.

The Well-Manicured Man:
It will cross the road in one of two ways....

Deep Throat:
Mr. Mulder, they crossed the road a very long time ago. Trust no fowl.

X:
The chicken is choosing a dangerous time to cross alone. The road is still out there, but it's never been more dangerous.

[Jiggy]

Have a look at this lot of fun.

[bassman]

God I love that site.
OK, how many of you looked at THIS for several minutes just for the laugh?

Some of us (especially Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes,
and it has become obvious that what we need are "Southern" symbols.

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside.
Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his
life and
see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make
something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In
dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius.
Chitlins are
best
with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface
of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of
everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you
had some
inner
hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't
worry about it.

MOON PIE (Mar 21 - April 20)
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a
cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round
are the
key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely
interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the
year to
think
about aerobics. Or - maybe not.

POSSUM (APR 21 - May 21)
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency
to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes
you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This
strategy is
probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day,
however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running
you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always
hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the
mountains,
the
pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be
not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good
heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting
pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round
them. Collards make good social workers, sychologists, and baseball
managers.
As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon
Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although ones
whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy
people to
understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life.
Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle
together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so
maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go?
Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can

go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your
fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved
ones - may find that your
personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you
deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should
go right
ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a
charmed
life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull
over and
stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (October 24 - Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with
everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the
vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can
sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with
Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually
quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots,
fruit,
worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with
today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about
today.
You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns.
You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another
somewhat kinky, mating possibility

[gracious]

[kenz]

Dan Quayle
- It is "Why did the chiken crosse the rode"

Tony Blair
- The chicken is capable of crossing the road within 45 minutes.

Iraqi Information Minister Muhammad Sa'id al-Sahhaf

- The chicken is nowhere near the road

Hans Blix

- We could find no evidence of chickens or roads

GW Bush

- Why did the road cross the chicken - no wait

Arnold Schwarzenegger

- Zer are not enough roads in California for chickens to cross, but I vill fix zat.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

- I vish to apologise to all zee chickens that I may have eaten

Bill Clinton

- I did not take the chicken across the road - honestly

Chicken

- Who is Gray Davis ?

[pave_spectre]

Geek:
Well I opened the chichen up but I couldnt locate the socket for the new proccesor upgrade.
And where do I put the new RAM stick?

Help Desk
You did what to the chicken????

[Sylvander]

1. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

2 A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
pants. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. Police said a strong
currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I
know you can't, I've cut your arms off."

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak
and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped
himself.

10. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."

11."Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome". "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a
look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
Because
he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

13.Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball Stuck
up my backside." "How's that? "Don't you start."

14.Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, "Can
you give me a lift?" I said "You look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it.'

16.Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat so and so!"

17.Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
other one off.

18."You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.'
So that was nice."

19. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

20.Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1,826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[pave_spectre]

Whats the definition of alternative thinking?

A Fish

[Eolyn]

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
>
>Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
>
>There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
>
>Life is sexually transmitted.
>
>An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
>
>If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead?"
>
>Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
>
>The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
>
>Get the last word in: Apologize.
>
>Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
>
>Some people are like Slinkies . . .. not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
>
>Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
>
>Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
>
>Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
>
>All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
>
>Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
>
>In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
>
>Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
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>How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?
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>AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
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>You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.